Drive Me Crazy
by ComeOnJustifyMyLove
Summary: Sara gets hired as a Psychiatric Nurse, in a Mental Ward. She meets patient, Tegan Quin, whos past, makes her "Crazy" and "Dangerous."Sara watches what the nurses and doctors do to her, and it DRIVES HER CRAZY. In the process of helping her, she begins to slowly fall.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: Everyone, I would like to thank you all for waiting, I took the time while I was editing to first Chapter of Magnets, to send this Fic, to some friends, I also sent them Magnets when I was done editing it,and they told me to go with this Fic. Now personally I am way more passionate about this Fic, then I am with Magnets, so I have just decided to go with this one. Plus reviews from the other story said to go with this story In my opinion, is probably going to be around 30, to 40 chapters, maybe even 50. Im going to stretch out this story and make it very long, and filled with tons of action, lots of emotions, you will cry sometimes, maybe even get mad when theres a cliff hanger. I would like to remind you that this story is taking place in a Mental institution, there will be some triggers in this story, a lot actually,alot of disturbing things, like rape, drugs,abuse, and alot more. In this Fic, you will read some things about Tegan, what Sara sees the nurses doing to her, and there is a shocker, but its at the end. I have already revealed too much, so Im just going to present you with the first Chapter. Tegan will make her gran entrance, don't worry, so for now, just READ, REVIEW & ENJOY :D

*I always listen to music when I write, so Im going to let you know what song I listened to while writing, (Shifting- Now,Now) Review & tell me what you think of the first Chapter (:

Chapter 1: Bryan

Im on my way to this job interview I have at 2:30. I never exactly wanted to be a Psychiatric nurse, but I always helped out my brother, and grew to find it very interesting, it made me want to help people who were mentally ill. When I was a kid, I watched as my brother would go crazy, have fits for no reason, leave in the middle of the night, sometimes even hurt himself. When I was 12 my mum and dad had finally realized that my brother was sick. He was only 14 when he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. Apparently, he was still to young to be put into a hospital, so we took care of him at our house. I would wake up everynight and check on my brother, sometimes he would be missing, and I would find him downstairs in the basement, sitting in the corner, or he would be outside on the swings my parents built us. I would bring him back to my room and he would sleep next to me, I would hold him all night and cry. As I grew up he got worse, by the age of 18, my parents sent him to a Mental Ward, all the way in California, it was the best one. Since then, I've seen my brother twice a year, on his Birthday, and on Thanksgiving. When I graduated higschool, I realized that thats what I wanted to do, I wanted to help people like him, so I went to school, got my Degree and now here I am. My names Sara and im 24 years old. I moved here to Vancouver, British Columbia when I was 20, I've been working at a fashion store, pushing my way through school. Now that I finally graduated, they helped me set up that job interview I told you about.

I look around my tiny apartment, to see if Im missing anything. I search my purse and realize I have everything, I put my purse on my shoulder and turn around, looking at myself in the long body length mirror. I'm wearing some black straight legs, a pair of black flats, a white-shirt and my green Peacoat. I smile as I find that my outfit was very proffessional looking. I walk out of my room and head out to the front door, I grab my keys from the hook and open my front door, stepping out into my apartment building hallway and locking up my door.

"Hey Sara."

I turn around and see my next door neighbor Ben, he smiles at me and I smile back.

"You look beautiful today."

I turn around and he looks me up and down.

"Really beautiful."

I smile and drop my head, blushing. When I moved here, Ben was the typical guy who asked "Need help with those boxes?", then proceeded to flirt with me while we brang all the stuff into my apartment. Since that day, hes asked me out about, well actually he asks me out every once a week.

I finish locking up my door and stand next to him, we walk down the hall together in complete silence, when we get to the elevator, he presses the button and turns to me.

"So, when are you going to let me take you out Sara, just one night, I promise."

I laugh and look at him, he was a good looking guy, but just seemed off. He was around 5'9,clean cut, wore suits all the time, dark brown hair, he kinda looked like Ryan Gosling, which blew me away, as to why he wanted me.

"Ben, I already told you . . . I don't want to date right now."

He sighs, the elevator doors open and we both walk in. He presses the bottom floor button and we ride down in more silence. When the elevator doors open, he lets me walk out first, then opens the door for me , that leads to the sidewalk.

"Sara, one day your gonna say yes, then fall madly in love with me."

He says, as he walks in the opposites direction as me, down the sidewalk. I laugh and he smiles, turning around. I face front and start walking down the street. It was snowing today, not hard, but the little flakes were slowly creating a blanket of snow on the roads. As I walk down the street, I smile at the people walking by me, the smell of coffee making its way out of the local coffee shops and out into the air, today seemed like a good day. The good thing about the Mental Ward I was applying to, was that it was only 5 blocks from my house, but just at the border of the city. Walking is something I love, its calming, especially if I get the job, Im going to be pretty stressed or tense. Mentally Ill patients are always very dangerous, because they can't control their personalities, actions, behavior, words, they have no control over their bodies most of the time. With my brother, I remember once, when I was 14, and he was 16, he came into my room, and tried to kill me. I had just checked on him about 30 minutes ago, then came back to my room and fell back asleep, but when I felt hands wrap around my neck, and my breathing stopped, my eyes flashed open and I seen my brother. I tried to pry his hands from my neck and kick him, trying my best to scream, but it wouldn't work, his grip got tighter, and my eyes started to blurr, when my body was starting to shut down, he just let go. It took me a while to get my breathing normal again, my brother just watched me, then when I looked up at him, his eyes rolled to the back of his head and he collapsed on my bed. That night, I tucked him into my bed and I held him, I just stayed awake, crying all night. When my parents woke up that morning, they came into my room worried that he had left, but when they saw him with me, they were relieved. But that all went away when they saw his hand marks on my neck, the dark purple stains on my skin, they made me promise to lock my door every night, to not check up on him at night anymore, to just let them take care of it, but I couldn't, I kept my routine. He was my brother, I loved, and still love him, I had to take care of him.

I walk down the familiar street and look up from the sidewalk, the memory leaving my head. I smile when I see the huge brick building, the white paint fading and chipping off the blocks, it looked like an old Asylum. I look right Above the front doors and read the Name.

"Vancouver Mental Ward."

Memories of my brother in his ward come into my mind, him banging on the walls, his hands bloody from it, I close my eyes and shake the thoughts from my mind. This was to help people, not to watch them suffer.

I slowly put one foot in front of the other and walk up the stairs, when I get to the door, I open it and step inside the warm room. The door closes and I feel my body temperature start to rise already. I look in front of me and see a woman sitting at a desk, the I look around the room, posters of Diseases on the wall, pictures of, who Im assuming is Dr. Renolds, the Doctor here, and certificates with his name on them. I walk over to the girl at the desk and smile at her, she looks up to me and smiles nicely.

"Patients name?"

She asks me. I shake my head and look down to my hands, fiddling with them, Im nervous.

"Umm no, I actually have a job interview at 2:30?"

She nods and starts to type something in her computer. She makes an amused face at her computer screen, then turns to me.

"Sara Johnson?"

I nod my head and she smiles

"Oh okay, well follow me."

I watch her get up from her seat and she walks over to a door, opening it up and waiting for me. I smile and make my way over to her, letting her go first. As I follow her, I look at the long narrow hallway, one nurse passing me by. She was wearing scrubs, with little tweety birds on them.

"Your the only person who applied for this job you know?"

I look up at the woman and she has her head turned to the side to me, waiting for me to reply.

"I am?"

She nods and turns her head back around, turning the corner. I keep following her and smile, that means most likely I would get the job. She turns to me and stops in front of a door. I look at her and she knocks on it lightly, then twists the doorknob. She opens the door and peeps her head in. I stand there and wait, looking at the ground. She takes her head out of the room and opens the door for me, I smile and walk in, entering the white room.

_Every room is fucking white_

I look at the desk and see the Doctors chair turned to me, he was on the phone. I sit down on the chair in front of his desk and place my purse on my lap. After 2 minutes, he hangs up the phone, the room suddenly silent without his low mumbles. He turns around and I look at him. He was a chubby man, looked to be in his 60's, white hair already, glasses and a white coat on over his blue button up. He smiles at me and I smile back at him.

"Im Doctor Renolds, Im the head of the Psychiatric Ward."

"Sara Johnson."

He nods his head and pulls out a folder, opening it up on his desk and looking through papers.

"Well, I read your letter of Recomendation from Doctor Andrews, and might I say, he had a lot of nice things to say about you."

He looks up to me and smiles, I smile back and he keeps his eye on the paper.

"Yea, hes the one who helped me get this interview, he helped me alot too, I graduated early because of him."

He nods hid head, sets the paper down on the desk and smiles.

"He is a great Dr, I talked to him and he said you were ahead of everything, you are very passionate about helping other Mentally Ill people."

"Yea, I am, very."

"So tell me, why would you want to work here, in a Pyschiatric Ward, because there are times where people have no clue what they're getting themselves into, and wind up quiting."

I remember my brother, the conversation we had before he left, he wasn't on his pills, he wasn't having a fit, he was normal for 30 minutes, and we talked, his smile was weak and his body wasn't trembling for once.

"No I understand completely, I can handle it. My brother Bryan . . . has Schizophrenia. I have seen him at his worst, and it wasn't something I was afraid of . . . I just want to help people like him, even if its with other Mental Illnesses."

He nods, sighs,then looks down. He freezes for a couple of seconds, then looks up at me.

"Well Im sorry about that, is he stabel?"

"Yea, when he was 18, my parents sent him to a Mental Ward in California."

He nods and smiles weakly at me.

"Well Im glad he has help now, and Im glad you want to help."

I nod my head and mentally smile to myself, Bryan, I missed him.

"Ms. Johnson, you are aware that this job is dangerous, many midnight outbursts, lots of sedating, Patients will fight back."

"Yea, I had that alot of the times with my brother, but I wiggled my way through it, I would talk to him, calm him, then find a way to trick him into taking his medicine or eating."

He smiles and nods his head.

"Good, well, I like that your using your past experiences with this then, I think your perfect for this job."

I smile and feel my body relax, I was nervous that I wouldn't. I look to his desk as he writes something down on a paper.

"Now your going to need a pair of scrubs and some comfortable shoes, are you able to work night shifts too?"

"Well, I was hoping that you could schedule me for everyday, but if not, I can do any time."

He nods and keeps writing.

"Okay, Im gonna have you start tomorrow, If you can't buy your scrubs, then just let me know, we have extras here, and bring your lunch tomorrow too, your going to start at 8:30 in the morning and clock out at 5, is that okay with you?"

"Sure, I'll buy my scrubs on my way home today."

He smiles and looks at his computer. He types away and smiles at his computer screen, then turns to me.

"When we got your criminal backround check, I was shocked, I thought it checked off the box for 1st Degree murder, but then when I double checked, it checked no."

He laughs and keeps typing.

"Yea, I would be in prison, haha but I want to help people, not hurt them."

He smiles and I hear the printer start to run.

"Your name tag, and other things will be presented to you tomorrow, just remember your scrubs, your shoes,preferably white, and your lunch."

I nod my head, making a mental note to buy all that and he hands me a paper.

"Thats for you to bring tomorrow, give it to the front desk and she'll take you and get all your things."

I smile and stand up out of my chair, he stands up and walks around his desk, opening up the door for me.

"Well, I hope you like it here Sara, and welcome to our staff."

I smile and walk out of the room. I look down to my paper and look at the writing, I didn't know they had a seperate ward for children? I shrug it away and keep walking down the long narrow hall. I look at the Ward Im checked onto, the Womans Ward. I nod and keep scanning the print. When I get to the door, I open it and step out into the lobby. I put my paper in my purse and walk up to the front desk, looking at the woman.

"Did you get it?'

She asks me, I smile at her and nod.

"Yea, I start tomorrow."

She smiles and stand up, she walks around her desk and stands next to me. I start to walk and she walks, when we get to the door, she opens it for me and I smile at her.

"Thank you."

"No problem, My names Amanda, welcome to the staff."

I walk down the stairs and turn back around, I found a job. I smile bigger and reach into my back pocket, grabbing my cell phone. I look up and cross the street, first looking both ways then walking. When Im safetly on the sidewalk, I start to dial a familiar number. I place the phone to my ear, and keep walking.

"Hello?'

"Mum, I got it!"

"Got what dear?"

I laugh at how my mum forgets everything, you can tell her something, and ten minutes later, she'll forget it. I get into the live town again and the smell of coffee hits me again. I turn to my right and smile when I see a local coffee shop I love to come to. I walk inside and stand in line.

"The job mum, at the Mental Ward."

"Ohh hunny thats great! When do you start?"

The line moves up and I hold the phone with my shoulder, reaching into my purse and getting out my wallet, preparing myself to pay.

"Tomorrow, I have to buy my uniform today and everything, I go in at 8:30."

"Thats great hunny, were so proud of you . . . I know Bryan would be too."

I smile at the mention of my brothers name. The day he left, when we had that talk, he told me he was proud of me, that I took care of him, that I wanted to take care of people like him, that I he loved me and always would. Last time I saw him, I was about to Graduate from school, and he told me he was proud of me too, then had a breakdown. He hit all the nurses and kept screaming that he wanted to come home with me, he wanted to be with his sister. It made me cry to see that, but they made me leave, and that was the last time I saw him.

The line moves up and its my turn at the register. I smile at the guy and he smiles back.

"Mum hold on real quick, Sorry can I get a Coffee, black."

The boy nods and I hand him my money.

"Well hunny, me and your father were setting up some things outside, we just bought a couple new bird houses, were gonna hang them on the tree, so I'll call you tomorrow okay?"

The boy hands me my change and smiles at me big. He grabs a pen and my cup, ready to write my name.

"Your name miss?"

"Sara."

He smiles and writes it down. I turn around and look at the seats, I walk over to a stool and sit down on it, waiting for my coffee.

"Okay mum, be careful you and dad, I don't want you two falling off the ladders."

"Aren't I your mother, Im supposed to tell you things like that, but we will. Love you bye."

"Love you too, Bye."

I laugh and hand up my phone, tossing it into my purse. I look around and take in the sweet scent. It smelled like sweet cinnamon and vanilla, with the caramel and coffee, washing into it, it was so relaxing. I close my eyes and feel my body start to slowly ease.

"Sara?"

I open my eyes and look over to the cashier, he smiles at me, nodding that my drink was ready. I nod and stand up, walking over to the counter. I reach for the drink and he lifts his hand, so when I grab it, his hand overlaps mines. I smile awkwardly and pull the cup away.

"Thank you."

I turn on my heals and start to walk to the door. I look down at my coffee and smile, the steam rising from the little sip hole. I lift it up and stop when I see something else, besides my name, written on my cup.

_Your so Beautiful -Ryan_

My mouth drops and I can't help but chuckle. I turn back around, and look at him. He looks away from the girl he was serving and smiles at me, biting his bottom lip. I smile at him and shake my head, he winks at me and I turn around. That was chessey, but kind of cute I guess? I keep smiling as I walk out of the cafe and out onto the busy sidewalk. I take a sip of my coffee and feel the hot liquid run down my throat, warming up my body. I look across the street and see a store, then I remember my scrubs and shoes. I look to my left and remember a place where I bought my scrubs for school. I make my way down the slippery sidewalk and look up to the store. I turn into it and walk inside. I know this store already, I know where the scrubs are, they even have shoes here. I make my way past all the clothes racks, and stop at the back of the store. I make my way over to the rack that carries all the scrubs. I keep my coffee close to me and take little sips, looking through the scrubs.

They all had little characters on them, that was something I didn't like, I just wanted plain scrubs. I look to the other side of the rack and realise that the solid color ones are on that side. I walk over to it and smile, finding all the solids. I look at the sizes and go to my section, small. I look through the colors and decide to get 4 white, and 4 olive green.

I look them over and smile, they were all small,and all cute. I place them on my arm and turn around, walking to the shoe section. I look at the racks, they had converse, sketchers, old lady shoes and vans. I smile when I see the white slip on vans, vans were always a comfortable shoe on me. I look around and spot a girl that works here, walking into the fitting room.

"Excuse me?"

She turns to me and I smile at her.

"I was wondering if you have these in a size 7?"

She looks at the shoe and nods. She walks away and I sit down on the little bench. I take a sip of my coffee and wait. After 5 minutes, the girl returns with a box in her hands.

"Here you are, if you need anything else, I'll be in the fitting room."

I nod and take the box from her, setting my scrubs and coffee down. I pull off my shoe and open the box, reaching in and grabbing the white shoe. I slip it onto my foot and smile, so comfortable. I don't hesitate, I take the shoe off and toss it back into the box, putting my flat back on. I stand up and turn around, grabbing my scrubs, coffee and shoe box. Suddenly someone grabs the shoe box from me and I look up at them.

"Need help?"

I smile at Ben and he chuckles, grabbing the scrubs from my arm. I laugh and he starts to walk away with my things.

"What are you doing here?"

I ask him, he turns his head to the side and lifts up his hand, motioning to the bag from this store.

"I needed a new shirt, and when I was leaving I seen you struggling with everything."

I laugh and he sets all my things on the counter. I look at him and he smiles at me. A girl walks up to the register and smiles.

"Will this be all?"

I nod my headn and reach into my purse, pulling out my wallet.

"That'll be $99.65."

I pull out a hundred and hand it to her, putting my wallet away. I turn to Ben and he smiles big.

"You got the job?"

I nod my head and he nudges me.

"Good job, you should let me take you out to dinner Saturday, to celebrate."

He wiggles his eyesbrows and I laugh.

"Here you go."

I look at the girl and shes holding out my change, I reach for it and take it, tossing the loose chang into my purse. She hands me the 2 bags and I take them.

"Ben . . ."

I start to walk away and he grabs my bags for me.

"Come on Sara, just once I promise! You will never have to go out with me again . . . If you don't want to, please."

I open the store door and smile, he really wanted to go out with me, he always begged. I turn to him as we walk and smile at him.

"Maybe."

He smiles big and shakes his head.

"Maybe means yes."

I laugh and take a sip of my coffee. I shake my head and look at him, he was sweet and kind, maybe I should just stop being such a tease and say what he wants to hear?

"Haha Fine, yes."

I turn to him and see no one, I look back and see him standing in the middle of the sidewalk, his mouth open in a big smile, his arms and legs stiff. I laugh and he walks to me and smiles even bigger.

"I told you one day you would say yes, so this saturday?"

I laugh and bite my lip, looking up at him.

"Yea, this saturday."

He nods and I shake my head. We walk down the last block in silence, and when we get to our apartment building, he walks me up to my apartment. I reach into my purse and search around for my keys, looking around the pile of mail I have in my purse, moving around the vitamins I carry, swooshing away all the loose change, and find my keys at the bottom. I look at him and sigh.

"Sorry, I need to clean out my purse."

He giggles and I place my key in the door, unlocking it and opening it. I walk into my apartment and Ben follows. I close the door and take off my coat.

"Where do you want me to put all this?"

He looks at me and I look around.

"In my room?"

He nods and disappears down the hall. I smile and think about it, he must be happy I finally said yes, 4 years and I finally said yes. I chuckle and walk into my kitchen, my tiny small kitchen. I open the fridge and pull out 2 beers, knowing Ben will want one. I hear his footsteps down the hall and suddenly see him in the doorway of my kitchen.

"Beer?"

He nods and grabs the beer from my hand, cracking it open with his teeth. I drop my jaw and he takes a sip, looking at me.

"What?"

I laugh and look at my beer cap, the hard metal looking cap.

"Didn't that hurt you?"

He shakes his head and walks up to me, he moves in close to me, our bodies barley touching. He reaches his hand up to my beer bottle and overlaps my hand with his, I feel my body shutter and he leans down, taking the cap in his mouth and pulling it off. He smiles and holds out his tongue, the bottle cap laying perfectly on it. I smile and he smiles, taking the cap from his mouth and placing it on the counter.

"See."

He smiles bigger and I blush, placing my hands on his chest, pushing him back gently.

"Ben . . ."

He smiles and pulls me in closer, leaning down and placing his lips on mines. I feel my body shutter and his hands wrap around my body. My body melts when he pushes his tongue inside my mouth, I let out a tiny gasp and feel him smile into the kiss. I smile and pull away from him. His lips were not exactly the softest, but they were enjoyable. He unwraps one arm from my waist and brings it up to my face, gently pushing back my bangs. I smile and he smiles back.

"Im gonna go . . . I'll see you later?"

I nod my head and he leans back down, only this time placing a kiss on my cheek. He pulls away from me, and I stay in the same spot, watching him walk out of my kitchen. I look down and hear my front door close, I smile and shake my head.

"Wow."

That was the first sexual contact I have had in 2 years. After my Ex Boyfriend Drew broke up with me, I just layed off of the whole dating, or guy thing in general, but it felt good to kiss someone again, it felt good to feel lips on mines, oh boy did it feel good. I laugh and grab my beer from the counter, walking out of my kitchen and into my bedroom. I look at my bed and see my scrubs laying out on my bed, on top of eachother, my shoes next to them, the bags bundled up.

I laugh and grab the hangers, lifting up the scrubs and walking them over to my closet. I hang them up and walk back, grabbing my shoes and placing them in my shoe rack behind my closet door. I close my door and look at my nightstand, its was barley 6:30. I look around my room, I didn't have to clean, there was nothing for me to do, accept for relax. I walk to the edge of my bed and grab the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head, and dropping it to the floor. I unzip my pants and push them down my legs, kicking them off my ankles and onto the floor. I reach around my back and unclasp my bra, letting it fall to the pile of clothes. I smile and look at my bed, it was so inviting, I jump on it and snuggle into my sheets and blankets, smelling my perfume on them. I sigh and pull the blankets over my body. turning on my back and grabbing the remote from my sheets. I turn on my TV and feel my body melt into the bed, becoming to comfortable. I flip through the chanels and squeel when I see my favourite movie on, Pretty in Pink. I lay there and watch the movie, making me sleepier by the minute. By the time the movies over, its 8:30. I look around my room, only the light shining from the TV Making everything at least noticable. There was still nothing to do, I turn to my nighstand and reach to my clock, setting the alarm. My stomach growls and I laugh, I forgot to eat. I turn on my lamp and toss the covers off my body, letting the cold air in my apartment hit me. I start to shiver and walk to my door, I grab my robe and put in on, snuggling into the fluffyness. I walk out of my room and down the hall into the kitchen. I open my fridge and look at everything in it, I was to Lazy to cook, and there was left over Pizza. I take out the tinfoil and grab a plate, placing the two slices of Cheese Pizza on it and popping it into the microwave. I open my fridge again and grab a beer, I look at it and laugh. How could Ben bite it off without cracking his teeth? I shrug it off and grab my bottle opener, tossing away the cap and taking a sip. The stail liquid runs down my throat and I feel my body ease. The microwave timer goes off, I grab my plate and make my way over to the living room, sitting down on my couch. I again, turn on my TV and flip through the chanels again, I sigh and settle on the news. I reach to my plate and pick up a slice, the cheese stringing, connecting the two slices together still. I take a bite and feel my stomach growl in approval. I laugh and continue to eat my food and drink my beer. I finish my two slices and stay on the couch, trying to finish my drink, My eyes start to get droopy and my body becomes drowzy. I get up from my couch and turn off all the lights and lock my door, then walk back to my bedroom. I toss my robe to the side and climb back into my bed, wrapping my body up in my blankets and closing my eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

Authors Note: Guys & Girls, thanks for all the reviews on the first chapter, it really mena alot. I hope to get the same on this chapter to, even though, I might add, this chapter is a little boring. I also wanted to ask you readers a favor, I was wondering if I should do this story in a Sara POV only, or would you like it to be a 2 POV story? Review twlling me which one, so for the next Chapter I could put Tegans "Crazy" thoughts and a few flashbacks into it for you guys. Also I have a suprise for you, to those who follow Were All Messed Up & This Is Everything, I have decided to actually finish them, so tonight Im either gonna post a chapter for This Is Everything or Were All Messed Up, so keep your eyes peeled for that. Anyways, heres Chapter 2 please REVIEW & ENJOY .

*Tell me about the 2 POV thing, so I can get started on the 3rd Chapter (:

Chapter 2: The Girl Behind The Metal Door.

I try my best to ignore the sound of my alarm clock, the annoying ringing filling the room. I remember that I have work today and I start to smile. I open my eyes and look at the bright red digital numbers on the clock. 7:00. I reach my arm out and hit the snooze button eliminating the annoying ringing. I turn over on my back and stretch my bones, wincing at the cracking noises comming from underneath my skin. I look up at the ceiling and close my eyes, the image of my brothers face, smiling, normal, in front of me, then his eyes grow big, her mouth becomes clenched, and in an instant, his hands are around my neck again. I open my eyes and my breathing is already rugged, I bring my hands up to my neck and feel around, it wasn't true, but it felt like it did that night, and it scared me for that quick second. I shake the thoughts from my head and think about today, it was my first day on the job, my first day with patients, my first day with people who are considered people would even call me crazy for that, but what they don't know, or understand, is that Im doing all this for my brother, Im doing all this because it made him happy for me to take care of him, and I know he would be happy for me to help others too.

I toss off my blankets and stand up on the floor, the chilly morning air making my body shiver. I grab my robe from the floor and put it on, inviting the little amount of warmth it brings me. I walk out of my room and down the hall into the kitchen. I walk up to my stove and turn on the burners, letting them heat up my apartment. I turn around and open my fridge, looking inside.

"I need to go grocerey shopping."

I close the door and walk out of my kitchen and into my living room, I look out my balcony sliding glass door and my jaw drops. My balcony was covered in a blanket of snow, a thick layer. I walk over to the sliding doors and look outside, the whole city of Vancouver covered in a layer of snow. If I take a shower, Im gonna freeze to death, so no shower today. I shake my head and look up over my TV set, at my clock. It was 7:25 already, I look around and shrug, making my way back to my room. I get into my room and walk up to my closet, which scrubs should I wear today? I only had two colors, so there wasn't much of a selection. I pick up an olive green set, then a white set, I bite my lip and look between the two of them. I smile when I start to mix them in my head, the olive green pants, with the white scrub shirt. I nod and walk over to my bed, setting down both sets and taking the olive green pants, and the white scrub shirt, putting them together, perfect. I grab the extra clothes and fold them up, placing them on top of my dresser. I grab my shoes and a pair of thick fuzzy socks from my closet. I toss them on my bed and walk out of my room and down the hall. I get inside the bathroom and turn on the light, the brightness making my eyes shut for a quick second. I open them slowly and look at myself in the mirror. I look back down and turn on the water, making sure its warm enough. I grab the dove bar and put it under the water, moving it around under my palms and fingers, the suds forming, only to be washed away from the faucet. I lean down and drop the bar in the sink, bringing my hands up to my face. I wash my face and rinse it off, drying it with a towel. I stand back up straight and grab my toothbursh and toothpaste. I brush my teeth, making sure to scrub every tastebud and to brush every tooth. I rinse out my mouth and look up into the mirror again. My hair, what to do with my hair. I sigh and grab the rubber band from my wrist, I turn the water back on and run my hands under it. I bring my wet hands up to my hair and run my fingers threw my long chocolate locks. I grab my brush and put it in my mouth, holding it down with my teeth. I start to part my hair, bringing my bangs down, so they sweep across my face. I grab the brush and brush the rest of my hair back, putting it up into a sloppy bun. I run the brush threw my bangs and they flow straight down. I take one last look, then turn off the lights, walking down the hall and back into my room. I strip off my robe and place it on my bed. I walk over to my closet and open my drawers, grabbing a new pair of underwear and the matching bra. I put them on, then walk back over to my bed. I grab my pants first and step into them, pulling them up my thighs and stopping a little above my waist. I grab my shirt and look at it, its to cold to just wear this. I walk back over to my closet and look around my shirt drawer, finding a white thermal. I put that on first,then pull on my scrub shirt. I flatten it down, before walking over to my mirror and looking at myself.

I turn back around and sit on the edge of my bed, grabbing my socks and shoes. I put them on, and stand up, looking at myself one last time. I chuckle and walk back to my closet and look through my jackets, it was snowing outside, so I needed a good one. I grab a gray sweater, then grab my olive green peacoat. I put them on, then walk over to my nighstand, making sure my cell phone, my wallet, my Id, the paper work, everything that I need is in there. I put my purse on my shoulder and walk out of my room, and into the living room. Im about to head to the kitchen, when I remember theres no food, I turn off the burners and look around. I sigh and grab my keys from the little nail hanging near my door. I open my door and step out into the hallway,locking my door and closing it. I look down the hall, both left and right, usually Ben leaves at this time too, unless he leaves today at 2? I shrug it off and walk down the hall and press the elevator button. When the doors open and I step in and press the first floor button. I ride down in silence, when the doors open, I walk down the lobby out of the doors, and onto the sidewalk. I walk and look at the city, the buildings covered in snow, no cars on the road, only people walking down the streets, bundled up in there biggest coats. I keep walking and cross the street. I smile as I walk down the block of coffee shops, making my way down to the last one, the one I usually go to. I turn into the cafe and stand in the line. I pull out my wallet, and look over the menu, even though I already know what Im going to get. I wait patiently, when finally its my turn. I get to the cashier and the girl smiles at me.

"What can I get for you today?"

I smile at her and look up at the menu again.

"Can I get a coffee, black. Also can I have your turkey sandwich, no mustard please, and a bottled apple juice."

She nods her head and punches it all into the register. I look through my wallet and pull out a twenty, handing it to the girl. She hands me my change and grabs my cup and a pen.

"Sara."

She writes it down and I walk away. I stand near the counter and look around the cafe, all the people talking to there partners, friends, parents, co workers, some people talking about random things, some talking about life changing problems or moments. I always found something slightly interesting about that, how we can all be witnesses to people talking about things, but we never see them again, you can hear a wife talking to her friend about her divorce, and her children, but once I leave this cafe, Im gonna just happen to think about her one day in life and wonder, what ever happened to her? Maybe Im the only one, but I always think about that.

"Sara?"

I whip my head over to the counter and see the familiar guy. He looks around and I smile, walking over to him. He looks at me and smiles big.

"Heres you stuff Sara."

I smile and look at him, he was adorable, but he had to be like 19.I grab my things from him and look down.

"Thank you."

I look back up at him and he smiles, biting his bottom lip.

"No problem."

I turn around and look down at my things, I chuckle and walk to the door. I walk out of the cafe and onto the busy sidewalk again. I take a sip of my hot coffee and feel my phone vibrate inside my purse. I move to the side and let people pass me by, while I search for my phone. I finally grab it, already taking to long, so I skip checking the caller ID. I press the phone to my ear, and hear the familiar recording, making my face smile with the feeling of joy crashing down on me.

"Do you accept the chargers?"

"Yes."

"Hold Please."

I start walking down the street again and wait, the tiny music playing from the office phone. Suddenly, the music stops, and I hear a clicking noise. My smile gets bigger and I look down at the sidewalk.

"Bryan?"

I wait and finally hear his voice.

"Hi Sara."

I take another sip of my coffee and continue to smile.

"Hey B, how are you, are you feeling okay?"

I hear him sigh and I know somethings wrong, something bugging him.

"Sara . . . I miss you."

I feel my heart slowly break, he just missed me. I smile weakly, and feel the small tear forming in my eye, threatening to fall at any moment.

"I miss you too B, alot."

I look up and look through the crowd of people, the building im heading to in plain sight, only 1 block away.

"I want you to come for christmas Sasa, I want to see you and give you the gift I made for you in art."

One thing my brother was good at, was art. He has the worlds most creative mind, but then again, so do most schizophrenics, they had a dark side, then a side that was so beatiful, that it completely makes you forget about their condition. Thats how I would get my brother to calm down sometimes, I always carried around a little sketch pad, with me and a sharpie pen. When we would go somewhere, and he would start to get into his fits, I would pull out the little pad and hand it to him, it was the only way to calm him. When we told his doctors about it, they said tha was very rare, most Schizophrenics are uncontrolable, but my brother was sometimes.

"Well, did Mary say its okay? And what did you make me?"

I chuckle and hear his bright laugh too, making my heart slowly start to stich back up.

"You ask her, please Sara. I can't tell you, but your going to love it, I promise."

I cross the street after looking both ways and smile.

"I love everything you make me B, you ask her, and call me when she gives you and answer."

"Okay, I will. What are you doing Sasa?"

I walk onto the sidewalk of the Mental Ward. I pull the phone away from my ear and look at the time, I still had ten more minutes, I could talk out here. I place the phone back to my ear and smile.

"I got a job at the Mental Ward, here in Vancouver B."

"I hear him clap and suddenly I hear him yell out the the people at his Ward.

"My Sister got a job! Helping people like me!"

I laugh and hear everyone clapping, the nurses saying congradulations, and all the familiar people just cheering.

"Im proud of you Sasa. . . I love you so much."

I let the tears fall and I look down to my feet, kicking the snow away.

"I know you are, and I love you too B, so much."

I hear him russle with the phone and then I hear Mary, his nurse, speak.

"Time to get off the phone Bryan, your times up."

I look out to the street and back down to the ground when I hear my brother scream.

"Nooooooo! I want to talk to her!"

I bite my lip and just listen.

"Bryan! No, don't make us work hard, now its time to get off the phone."

I hear the phone fall to the floor, then I hear things moving around, he was having a fit again. I close my eyes and hear the screams and yells from my brother and Mary, then I hear Marys loud voice.

"SEDATE HIM!"

I close my eyes, picturing him on the floor, people pinning him down, and Mary handing someone the needle to calm him. The sounds of metal crashing to the floor, the sound of people hitting eachother, the sound of my brother struggling against the people holding him down, it was hurting me slowly.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SARAAAAA!"

I hear my brother scream my name, the needle peircing his skin, I know it. I feel my eyes water and my heart slowly began to fall down my chest and into my stomach, I scream.

"Don't hurt him Mary, PLEASE!"

The other line goes quiet and I look up at the sky, the dark gray gloomy sky. The sound of struggle was gone, the sound of Metal crashing down to the floor was gone, everysound was gone, except for the sound of the nurses footsteps, no doubt, picking him back up and taking him to his room.

The line ends and I shake my head, making the tears run down my face even faster. I could picture it all, I could picture my brothers face, his eyes drooped, his face looking high, it was horrible. I put my phone into my pocket and look around, It was hard. Its hard to know that your the only person that can help your brother, and yet hes a million miles away, where strangers, who don't understand him the way I do, are taking on my role. It hurt me, bad. I turn around and look at the building again, It was all for him. I move my feet and walk up the steps, wiping away the tears from my face. I open the door and walk inside the warm room, looking straight ahead at the desk.

I see Amanda, I clear my throat and she looks up from her computer.

"Sara, right on time."

I smile and walk over to her, leaning on the counter and taking out the paper Dr. Renolds told me to give her.

"Um he said to give this to you."

She looks at the paper in my hands and nods, grabbing it from me. She looks it over and smiles , looking back up.

"Okay, follow me."

I nod and she stands up from her seat and walks over to the door. She turns her head to me and opens the door, smiling.

"You already came in your scrubs."

She chuckles, I laugh nervously and shrug.

"Was I not supposed to?"

She shakes her head and I keep following her.

"You can, but we give you lockers, just in case you want to change here, but its fine."

I nod and we keep walking down the long narrow hall. I keep my eyes on the ground, my brother. He's what Im thinking about, all he wanted to do was talk to me, he calls me once a week, and always tells me he misses me, and that he loves me, but he hasn't had a fit like that in a while. I keep in touch with his nurse there, Marry. I like to call her and see if shes treating him good, and if hes alright, just to see how things are going, but lately shes been acting pretty mean, when I call her she rushes me off the phone, she doesn't talk that much, shes just different.

Amanda stops and I look up, she presses the elevator button and taps her foot. We stand there for a while, when the doors finally open, we both walk in and she presses the last button, number 5.

"Your working in the Womens Ward huh?"

I look up at her and nod.

"Good luck, all those woman are crazy."

I laugh and she eyes me, finally starting to get why Im laughing. She starts to giggle and I look down.

"Well I think I can handle it."

She nods and the doors open. I follow her out and down another long hall.

"If it were me, I would work in the mens ward, trust me when I say these woman are ten times more crazier, Especially Teg-"

"Hey Amanda, whos this?"

I woman emerges from down the hall and starts to walk towards us. Amanda smiles and turns to me.

"This is Sara Johnson, shes your new Nurse."

The woman looks to be in her 40's, she has on all black scrubs, with white sketcher shape ups. Her hairs long and dark brown. She looks at me and smiles big.

"Thats right, well when you finish showing her around, send her over to Cathy, she'll show her everything, I have to run, my daughters finally having her baby."

She smiles excitedly and Amanda hugs her.

"Congrats, pictures Miranda!"

The woman nods and turns to me.

"Sorry, I would love to be the one to show you the ropes, but you know."

I nod and then shake my head.

"Its fine, congrats grandma."

She rolls her eyes at the word and we all laugh.

"Okay, well I'll be back sometime this week, see you girls later."

She keeps walking and stops at the elevator, pressing the button and stepping in. I turn back around and look at Amanda. She giggles and turns back around, walking down the hall again. I follow her and we turn a corner. We walk down another long hall and finally stop at a door. She looks back at me and shakes her head.

"Are you sure your ready for this?"

She giggles, I look around, all the long hallways I walked to get here, my brother, everything.

"Yea, Im sure."

She nods and opens the door, we walk in. I close the door and face foward, there was a bar gate, with 2 security officers. Amanda walks up to them and shows them her little badge. They nod and look up at me.

"Shes the new nurse."

They eye me, but nod and open the gate. We walk through the gates and I hear the bars clang together, the keys jingling around, making me flinch. We keep walking and I look around the small room, there were two doors, she walks to the second one and opens it. I follow her into the room and see a bunch of lockers, nurses bags, and some extra scrubs. I close the door and she leads me over to a locker. I look up and see my name on a peice of tape, slapped on the blue reaches up, on top of the locker and grabs a key, putting it in the little pad lock and unlocking it. She opens it for me and I see some stuff already in there.

"Okay, sit down, I'll explain everything."

She laughs and I sit on the bench in front of my locker. She grabs all the things and pulls up the first one.

"Heres some extra scrubs, incase of any accident, like vomiting, or peeing, some patients tend to do that."

She makes a yuck face and I giggle, nodding my head. She hands the scrubs to me and picks up the next thing, a big book.

"Here the rules and regulations for our staff, I know its big, but I read it all, so Im just gonna sum it up for you. If your going to smoke ciggs, do it on the belcony, no vistors for nurses, must check in, and clock out right on time, always wear your name tag, always wear your scrubs, and _**NEVER,**_ I repeat, NEVER trust a patient."

She eyes me and I nod at her, she smiles and hands me the book. I set it down on my lap and look over the cover, the hard brown copy, clothing material. I look back up and she has one thing left, she hands it to me and I smile. My name tag.

"Its a temporary one, your gonna get yours in a week, thats why I wrote your name for you."

"Thanks."

She nods and looks at my locker.

"So you can put all your stuff in here, but if you have lunch then you take it inside the ward, theres a mini fridge behind the front desk. I nod and she smiles.

"So lets put your stuff away, and remember don't leave your lunch in here."

I nod and stand up, grabbing all my things, and placing the bags inside the locker. I push them all the way back and take off my coat and jacket, hanging them up on the little built in hooks. I straighten out my scrubs and I hear Amanda giggle. I look up at her and smile.

"What?"

She shakes her head, and smiles.

"I like that, the green and white, then the vans, its cute."

I laugh and look down, it was a pretty cute idea.

"All set?"

I nod and reach into the locker, grabbing my lunch.

"Yea."

She closes my locker and hands me the key.

"When you get your set of keys, place this one on it, its the only one that can fit the lock, so don't lose it."

I nod and she smiles, walking back out of the room. I follow her out and close the door behind me. She walks to the 1st door and grabs the knob, again, turning back to me. Only this time shes smiling big.

"Better put your nametag on _Nurse_ Johnson."

I chuckle and look down, I bring my nametag up and look at the back, eyeing it.

"We can have pin name tags anymore, safety regulations, so were stuck with magnets."

I nod and take off the back and place the name tag on the right side of my chest, hooking the little magnet back behind it. I smile at her and she nods.

"Okay, lets show you the Ward."

I feel my stomach become bubbly and my body is slightly shaking. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, but I am. My palms are sweaty and my head is throbbing.

She opens the door and walks in, I follow her, only looking at her back, afraid to look else were. The door closes on its own and I hear the sound of rambling, the sound of nurses talking, the sound of people banging on walls, the sound of commotion. I finally tear my eyes away from Amandas back and look around, we were in front of two metal detectors, with 4 security officers standing next to them. Amanda walks through, when nothing beeps, they motion for me to step through. I do, and nothing beeps. I look around and see another gate we have to pass to get inside the actual Ward. She walks over to it, and pulls out her set of keys, tons of keys. She unlocks the door and looks at me.

"Here we are."

We walk in, and close the gate, rounding the corner. My eyes grow wide when I look at the lounging area with some women, patients Im assuming, watching TV, Some playing card games, some just sitting around. I look at the walls and see doors , numerous amount of doors.

"Those doors the patients rooms right?"

I ask her in a low whisper. She nods and starts to walk. I follow her and look at the doors, they were metal doors, with little glass windows to peep inside. I look back forward and see a couple of nurses, walking around, some at the front desk. We walk up to the front desk and Amanda leans on the counter.

"Hey girls, we got a new one for you."

She motions her head to me and all the 7 nurses smile at me. I smile back and one girl looks at me in the eyes.

"Im Cathy, Miranda said you would be comming, let me show you around."

I nod and Amanda smiles at me.

"Goodluck."

She walks away and I watch her round the corner. I turn over to all the girls and they smile at me.

"Im Mindy, this is Holly, Judy, Barbie, Bobbi, Ana, Carla, and you know Cathy."

I nod and wave at them. The chuckle and Cathy walks up to me.

"Come on, wait, put your lunch inside the fridge, and write your name on it."

Holly hands me a sharpie and I smile, setting my food down on the counter and writing my name on the bag. Holly grabs my lunch and the sharpie, placing it in the fridge for me. She smiles and Cathy taps my arm.

"Follow me."

She starts to walk and I follow her into the lounging area.

"This is the TV room, or the lounge, either or, Patients are only allowed here during the day, they can't come here at night. Anytime from between 8 in the morning, to 5 in the evening."

I nod and 1 patient looks at me. She was a girl about 19, she smiles at me and I smile back at her. Cathy walks away and I stay behind her. She leads me to the short hall next to the front desk. She walks to a door and stops.

"This is the activity room, come on."

She opens the door and we walk in. I look around the dim lit room, guitars, keyboards, books, coloring supplies, it basically looks like a preschool center. The women here were crazy, not babies.

"On Tuesdays, we have activity hour, the patients come in the room, pick out something they wanna do, and use it for the whole hour, they can't take them out side this room. Its from 3 to 4, or 4 to 5, either one. "

I nod and turn back to her.

"So who says what time?"

She smiles and points to herself. I laugh and she motions for us to move on. She locks the door and we walk back out of the short hall and she points to a big door across the hall.

"Thats the bathroom for the nurses, you have a key to it. I have a set already made for you."

I nod and she keeps walking down another hall with doors on it. It looked like a hospital building, long halls with doors, but these doors were metal.

She points to another door and looks at me.

"Thats the bathing room, or shower room, a set of 5 patients each morning shower in there, then when there done, we get the next set of 5, then the next set of 5. A nurse must accompany each patient, so it will be 5 nurses, 5 patients."

"Okay."

She keeps walking and points to another room.

"Bathroom for patients, you have a key for that too, they can't just go in there, safety regulations, they have to ask, and you accompany them with that too. They will ask you and you take them, but not more than one at a time, it only a single bathroom."

"And if more than one needs to go at the same time?"

I ask her, she shrugs and smiles.

"They ask another nurse."

She chuckles and so do I.

"All thats left is the cafeteria. "

I nod and she keeps walking down the hall. We stop at the only two wooden doors. She unlocks them with her set of keys and pushes the doors open. The cafeteria was huge, the floor was tile, the walls white, a lot of tables, round, were in the middle.

"We have carts delivered up here for morning, lunch and dinner, thats why theres no kitchen here, they just eat here."

"Haha I was gonna say, wheres the kitchen too."

We both chuckle and she closes the doors again, locking them back up.

"Thats it, we have medicine girls, we have all that,so I don't need to show you medicine."

We walk back down the hall and stop at the lounging area. All the patients were gone, I look up at the clock hanging above the front desk, my eyes grow wide. It was already 12:00, time literally flew by?

"Well, its time for lunch, wanna supervise with us, or stay out here?"

We walk over to the counter and I lean on it with Cathy.

"Whats better?"

They all laugh and shake their heads.

"Out here."

I laugh and nod.

"Okay, I'll stay out here, but everyones gonna be in there right? The cefeteria?"

They all nod and I smile

"Yea, I'll stay out here.

I nod and they all standup. I hear the sound of wheels rolling, I turn around and see the 2 carts , carrying the trays of food rolling down the hall with 2 guys. They get to the front desk and the guys smile at me.

"New girl?"

One guy says, they all nod and he extends his hand.

"Im Ralph, this is Ted."

I shake his hand and wave to the other guy behind the cart.

"Im Sara."

They both smile and turn to Cathy.

"Open the doors for us, we have to get the food down to the mens Ward too."

She nods and all the nurses stand up, Cathy looks at me and smiles.

"Just sit here, you can eat your lunch to if you want, we'll be done in an hour."

"Okay."

I make my way behind the desk and watch the guys leave, and the girls walk over to the doors, unlocking them and letting out the patients. After 10 minutes, they all start to walk down to the caffeteria, all in one group. I look at the crowd and they all pass me by. I look around, the room was queit and empty, then I hear footsteps again. I look over to the hall and see Judy and Cathy. They smile at me and I smile back at them.

"Forgot something?"

They chuckle and nod.

"More like someone."

They walk away and I laugh. I look down to the mini fridge and open it. I see my bag and grab it, placing it on the desk, and taking out its contents. I set everything up, when I hear again, more footsteps. I take a bite of my sandwich and turn to the source, when I see Judy and Cathy, escorting a girl, with her hands tied behind her back. I look at them and something about the girl catches my eye. She was covered in tattoos, her hair was up to her shoulder, she was dressed in all white, just like everyone else, and she was bare foot. I look her up and down, then look at Judy. She smiles and they keep walking down the hall to the cafeteria. I hear the big wooden doors close, I was all by myself. I sit back in my chair and take a bite out of my sandwich. I dig into my bag and pull out my apple juice, opening it up and taking a swig. After 10 minutes, I hear the wooden doors open and the sound of some one struggling, bounces off the walls.

"Fuck you, let me go!"

"Shut up, you always have to fuck shit up you know that, never just one day where you can eat lunch peacefully."

They emerge into plain sight and I finally get to see the girls face. She looks at me and Cathy laughs.

"She fucking started it Cathy you seen her!"

The girl shouts and keeps her eyes on me. Cathy shakes her head and pushes the girls face forward.

"Sorry Sara, shes just trouble."

I keep my eyes on the girl and suddenly, she rips her arms away from Cathys grip and starts to run down the halls. I see Cathy start to run, so I stand up and run after them, just in case she needed my help. Cathy runs up to her and wraps her arms around her stomach and arms, holding her close. The girl struggles and Cathy pushes her up against the wall, her face hitting the hard surface. The girl winces, and turns her head,I see drops of blood run down her face and fall onto her clothes.

"Sara!"

I look at Cathy and run to her.

"Grab my keys, the one thats seperate from the others, and open her door."

I nod and grab her keys from her pocket. I see the single key and quickly unlock her door. I open it and walk inside, suddenly, Cathy pushes the girl into the room and she falls flat on her face, her head, again, hitting the hard tile floor. She groans and Cathy grabs my arm, pulling me out of the room.

She closes the door, as she pulls out her key to lock it, I grab the key and shake my head.

"Shes bleeding Cathy."

She shrugs and looks into the glass.

"I don't care, she deserves it."

I look at Cathy and she looks at me.

"I'll clean her up later, right now I have to go supervise, I can't be out here."

I look around and grab the key from her hand.

"I'll do it, I can handle her."

She shakes her head and I put her keys in my pocket.

"I'll be fine, just go back."

She looks back into the room, and then to me.

"Sara shes dangerous, she can really hurt you."

Even though, I saw how she acted, I felt like she needed to be helped. So I smile and nod at Cathy.

"Go, just tell me where the first aid kit is."

She sighs and shakes her head. We both walk back to the nurses desk, and she grabs the First Aid kit from under the desk.

"Please be careful, don't let her close the door to, and if she fights back, take this."

She hands me the kit, then reaches behind her, grabbing a shot in a bag, and hands it to me.

"Sedate her, then call us, you know how to sedate right?"

Flashbacks of me, sedating my own brother run through my mind.

"Yea, in the leg or arm."

She nods and sighs.

"Be careful."

She walks away and I hear her footsteps, then the big wooden doors close. I turn around and put one foot in front of the other, slowly making my way down to the room. When I get to her room, I look through the little thick glass window. She was laying in her bed, her forearm over her eyes. I put everything in one hand and grab the keys, getting out the single one and unlocking the door. I push the door open and slowly make my way in the room. I look at her on the bed and see her blood, starting to dry up on her cheek. I set everything on the edge of her bed and stand next to her.

"Excuse me?"

She removes her arm from her eyes, the tears slowly running down, mixing with the blood.

"What the fuck do you want?"

She asks me, a smutty sound in her voice. I look at her and smile weakly.

"To clean up your cuts."

She scoffs and covers her eyes again with her arm.

"Since when do you guys give a fuck about my health."

She says, I take a step back and sit down on the floor. There were times when my brother got like this, and I had to find ways to calm him down, talk to him, make him feel comfortable with me again.

"Well, Im new, so Im not sure about the other nurses, but I see that your bleeding, and probably in pain, so If you don't mind, I would like to help you?"

I crawl over to the edge of the bed and grab the stuff and set them down on the floor, next to me. I open them up, and see everything I need, I was just waiting for her to look at me. I sit down and wait for a minute. I keep my eyes on her, and she finally lifts her arm, turns her head to the side, and peeks at me. I smile at her and she drops her head back down.

"Your still here?"

She asks, annoyed.

"Yea, and Im not leaving until you let me fix your cuts."

I say, a little perky, trying to lift up the mood. She groans and sits up, turning around and facing me.

"Hurry up."

She snaps and crosses her arms, hugging her chest. I stand up, and grab all the stuff, and sit on the edge of her bed. She stays forward and I sigh, I grab her head and turn it to me. She grabs my wrist hard and looks at me. It didn't hurt, but it was making me uncomfortable. I keep my eyes on hers, burning them into her. She blinks and lets go of my wrist. She looks down and I reach back, grabbing a alcohol towelet. I open it up and look at her face. She had beautiful soft skin, her eyebrows were thing, but not to thin, she has a little scar on her forhead, and a little scar, from what looks like a piercing right under her lip. I look at her eyes, still glued to the ground.

"How did you get that scar?"

I ask her, she looks up to me and eyes me.

"On your forhead."

She blinks and eyes me still.

When I realise shes not going to answer me, I sigh and look at her.

"This might sting."

I set the little towelet on her eyebrow and she doesn't flinch a bit. I pat it down and she keeps her gaze on the ground. I clean up all the dry blood and set down the little towelets on my pants.

"I've endured worse pain."

She whispers. I look at her and she has a small tear forming in her eye.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

She whispers, I look at her and set my hands down on my lap.

"Because, I know what its like for you guys, its not exactly fun, so why make it worse."

I smile at her and she finally looks at me.

"You guys? Im not crazy."

She replies, I sigh and look at her.

"Maybe you are, mybe your not, but your here."

She looks at me and searches my face, her lip slightly twitching.

"I have no choice but to be here."

I drop my head and look at her, poor thing, she was sad, you could tell that something else was bugging her. Suddnely, I hear a loud growl, I look down to her stomach and she lays back down.

"Can you wait here, I have something for you."

She looks at me and I smile. She didn't say anything, so I took it as a yes. I stand up and grab all the things.

"I'll be back."

I make sure I have everything and walk out of her room, closing the door. I walk back over to the desk and set all the stuff down, I keep the needle, just in case and put it in my shirt pocket. I pick up my sandwich, only half of it still there, and my apple juice. I walk back over to her door and unlock it. When I open her door, she has her back turned to me, facing the wall.

"Um, here."

I say awkwardly. She turns around in her bed and looks up at me. Her eyes grow wide when she sees the food in my hands.

"What did you do to it?"

I look at the sandwich and then back to her. She thought I was trying to give her medicine, to sedate her.

"No, It was my lunch. Did you eat lunch in the cafeteria?"

I ask her, her stomach growls again and she eyes the food, not once answering me.

"Take it."

I reach them out to her and she looks at me.

"You take a bite first."

I shrug and take a bite of the sandwich. I chew it and swallow it down.

"See."

I smile and she slowly sits up. I walk over to her and sit down on the edge of her bed.

"Go on, take it."

I tell her again. She extends her hand and I hand her the food and drink. As soon as I give it to her, she takes a huge bite, her eyes roll into th back of her head and she moans.

I laugh and she opens her eyes, looking straight at me.

"What did you do to it!?"

She asks, panicking, thinking Im laughing because I tricked her. I shake my head and stop laughing.

"You made a funny face when you took a bite . . . when was the last time you ate?"

I ask her, now my face was serious, someone who hasn't eaten in a while, makes a face like that when food finally goes into there body.

"She takes another bite and chews on it slowly.

"A while . . . everytime I enter the Cafeteria, I always get thrown out after 10 minutes."

I feel my heart drop an inch, I smile at her and she looks at me.

"Whats your name?"

She asks, taking another big bite, the sandwich almost halfway done.

"Sara, My names Sara."

She smiles, for the first time since this whole thing and looks at me.

"That a pretty name, Im Tegan."

I smile and look at her, she was nice, once people actually listened to her, and sat down with her.

"Will you be here tomorrow Sara?"

She asks, finishing the last bite of her food. I look at her and shrug.

"I haven't gotten my schedule yet, Hopefully I am though."

She opens the apple juice and drinks it all. She looks down and suddenly her eyes grow scrunched. She looks at me and reaches down, grabbing my shirt. I look down and see the needle in her hand. She grabs it and throws it out of the door and into the hallway.

"Get the fuck out!"

Her voice makes me flinch. She nudges my shoulders and I almost fall off the bed.

"Get THE FUCK OUT!"

She screams, I run out of her room and close her door, making sure to lock it. The look in her eyes, she looked like I betrayed her, like I hurt her bad. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn around, Cathy looks at me and I look at her.

"What happened?"

I look back at the door and remember her face. If I tell Cathy something went wrong, would she hurt her, or even care? I look down and shake my head.

"Nothing, shes fine."

Cathy eyes me and nods.

"Come on, lets go."

I nod and bend down, picking up the needle and looking at it. She saw this, and suddenly everything turned around. She didn't trust me?

As the day went on, I didn't see Tegan, or hear her. She just stayed in her room. Its 4:45 right now, and its almost time for me to clock out. Today I sat around at the nurses desk, just watching the nurses do there things, their checks, Medicine handouts, all of it. Not once did they even go to Tegans room, no one has checked on her since I was in there.

"Sara, heres your keys, you only get a few, one to the patients doors, they all have the same lock, to the bathroom, to the shower room, to the nurses bathroom, Cafeteria and activity room."

Cathy hands me a set of keys and I look them over, nodding.

"Did Amanda give you your locker key?"

I nod and she taps the little ring.

"Put that on there, don't loose it."

"Okay."

She spins around in her chair and types something on the computer.

"Here, this is how you check out."

She looks at me and I move closer to her.

"Oh its not on the computer."

She informs me, I back up and she chuckles.

"Sorry, its behind us. I turn around and see a cubby system. I look at her and she stands up, grabbing a paper from the printer. She folds it and looks at me.

"Just punch in and punch out."

She places the paper under a stamper, and its makes a clunking noise.

"So your already clocked out, tomorrow morning, you get your paper, from your cubby (She points to my cubby) and stamp it, then place it back, thats it."

I nod and she smiles.

"Okay, well your schedule has your set for 9:30, to 6:30, so don't be late."

I nod and she smiles.

"You can leave now."

I get up from my chair and wave to her. The rest of the nurses are out on a little break, so I skip them and walk down the hall. As I keep walking, I keep my eyes on Tegans door. When I get leveled with it, I look around and see the empty halls. I walk over to her door and look through the glass. She was sitting on her bed, her back against the wall, her knees hugged to her chest, just staring at the wall in front of her. I hesitate for a second, then lightly tap on her door. She whips her head to me and eyes me.

"I'll see you tomorrow Tegan, okay?"

She just looks at me, no emotion in her eyes, nothing. I sigh and pull away from the door, and keep walking. After I go though all the doors, gates and everything, I grab my things from my locker and head down the long halls again. I can't wait to get home, and snuggle up in my bed. I ride down the elevator and get to the first floor, I walk out of the door and see Amanda, packing up her stuff.

"Hey, your still here?"

She looks at me and I walk over to her desk, she chuckles and nods.

"Im leaving though, I clock out at 5:15, how did your first day go?"

She asks me, I chuckle and look at her.

"Well, It wasn't bad, but I did have some trouble with one patient, she gave Cathy a hard time."

She shakes her head and mumbles.

"Tegan huh?"

I look at her and she looks at me, waiting for me to answer.

"Yea, how did you know?"

She laughs and puts her purse on her arm.

"She always gives the nurses trouble, Im suprised they had you work with her the first day, shes really dangerous."

She says, walking around the desk and we both start walking towards the door.

"Well, they didn't, I offered."

I inform her, she laughs and shakes her head.

"Your crazy, shes a big handful, shes the reason Im down here in the front desk, and not a nurse anymore."

We walk out of the building and the cold air smacks us in the face. We bundle up more and she turns to me.

"Which way do you walk?"

I point down the street and she nods, we keep walking and I look at her.

"What did she do to you?"

She sighs and looks down.

"I tried my best to have her trust me, but she just was mad all the time. Since shes the most trouble patient, even beating a schizo, I always carried a packaged sedater with me, just in case she ever snapped. Well one day, I went into her room, cause she was ordered to confinement, she couldn't come out of her room, so I sat there and watched her eat her food. Then when I went to grab her tray, the needle fell out and she got mad at me, pushing me out of her room, throwing the needle at me, I just couldn't take it anymore, so Dr. Renolds sent me down here."

Just like she did with me. I look at Amanda and she smiles.

"Im happy at the desk though, its nice I guess."

I nod and look down at the snowy sidewalk, the city already dark, only the lights from the shops and public lamps shining on the covered cement.

"So, whats wrong with her, why is she in there?"

I ask her, she turns to me and shakes her head.

"Would you believe shes in there for a personality disorder."

I eye her and remember all my lesson on that disease. That was something cured with medicine, you take pills to calm your nerves, why was she in there for it?

"But she causes so much trouble, that now were starting to think shes just crazy, but_** Its all up to Dr. Renolds, hes the one that keeps telling us somethings wrong with her."**_

I nod my head and we keep walking.

"Well, this is me."

I lift up my head and look up, the apartments above a store. She smiles and looks at me.

"It was nice seeing you Sara, I hope tomorrows better, goodnight."

"Night."

I watch her walk up the tiny steps to a little door and then she disappears. I keep walking down the street and finally get to my building. I sigh and open the doors, the warmth making me feel at ease. I walk though the lobby and to the elevator, pressing the button. I ride all the way up to my floor and get off, walking to my door. My feet were killing me, I was cold, and I haven't showered in a day. I get to my apartment door and unlock it, opening it up and stepping inside. I walk through my dark place and get into my bedroom, Im tired as hell. I toss off my jackets and set my bag down on the floor. I remove all my clothes and leave my underwear on. I climb on my bed and snuggle up under the sheets, feeling my body instantly relax. Today was long, and hard, I needed to just sleep. I curl up in a ball and close my eyes, suddenly, the image of Tegans face, while I was cleaning her cut, flash through my mind. She was different from all the other patients, you could tell, just by the way she looked at me, I knew she was different, but how?

I shake the thoughts from my head and snuggle in more. I feel my body become limp, and my muscles easing. I start to drift off, my sleep finally setting in.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors Note: Hey Guys, sorry for taking so long, been extra busy. But I hope I do not disappoint, this Chapter took me forever to write, it was hard, but Im starting to work on them getting closer now. Hopefully I get a new Chapter up by Sunday, but if not, I'll post a suprise Chapter for another one of my old stories.I also wanted to note that this story will have some disturbing things in them, especially the next Chapter, so if you think you can't handle it, please don't read. The song I listened to was again, Shifting by Now, Now. I seem to write better and faster when I listen to that song. Anways, REVIEW & ENJOY ;D

*Tell me if you like the Tegan POV's.

Chapter 3: Jay

Tegan POV:

I've been sitting down on my bed for the past two hours since I've been awake. I don't know what time it is, but its still dark outside, probably around 6 in the morning, Im guessing. You lose track of time and the days when you sit in a room all day, only going out for lunch breakfast and dinner, sometimes they let me go to the bathroom, thats if any of them are in the mood to handle me. I've been here for 6 years, and everyday its the same old thing. But now, I feel something different, That new nurse, Sara was different. When she came in to clean my cuts and help me, I felt like I was in a comfort zone, like she wasn't gonna let anything happen to me, at first, then when I saw the needle, she turned out just like everyone else, every other fucking nurse here.

_I look around the dark streets, Its been two weeks since my parents have been gone. Two weeks since our Manager kicked me out because I was to young to pay rent, two weeks since I've eaten, showered, had a good night sleep. _

_I make my way down the street and roll my small suitcase that holds my pillow, blanket and extra clothes. Where was I gonna go tonight? The spot under the bridge that I've been sleeping under was taken, and that was the only place I felt safe. _

_I turn the corner and keep walking, the shadows of a dark alley comming up. I start to walk faster and soon Im in front of it. I keep walking when I hear a voice._

_"Girl, hey come here."_

_I turn around, my mind telling me to keep walking, even run away. I see the man emerge from the alley, he was tall, black, and he looked to be about in his 30's. He scared me, his voice was threatening._

_"Why do I see you walking around these streets late at night?"_

_I start to shiver, the cold winters in Vancouver were rough, especially when you only slept with one blanket. I look at him and shrug my arms. He looks at me and sighs, walking back in the dark Alley. I turn on my heals when I hear his voice again._

_"Wait, don't move."_

_I freeze in my tracks and my eyes grow wide, what was he going to do to me? I hear his footsteps and then feel him grip my shoulder. He turns me around and I look up at him, my heart racing, my palms sweating, my body trembling, and not from the cold. He takes off his jacket and puts it on my shoulders, out of no where, I just snuggle into it, It was warm, it smelled funky, like a skunk, but I didn't care, I was warm for once. He pats my shoulder and I look up at him._

_"Where are your parents?"_

_I look back down and feel the tears slowly forming in my eyes, where were they . . ._

_I shrug and he sighs._

_"Come on, lets get some food."_

_I don't know why, but when he said food, my stomach growled, I was willing to do anything for it, I was starving. I followed him back into the Alley, and see a car parked in it. Only the moon illuminating onto the shiny paint. He walks to the passanger side and opens the door for me, I keep my head down and climb into his car. He shuts the door and walks over to his side, climbing in. Why was I doing this? Im 10 years old, my mother taught me to never talk to stangers, but . . .he has . . . food. I kept my eyes out of the window as he started to drive into a rough neighborhood, people sitting outside on the front steps, babies walking around in the streets, women dressed in small mini skirts and bras walking up and down the streets, guys hanging all over them, where were we? I look at the apartment building,old, graffiti written all over the walls._

_"Are you hungry?"_

_I whip my head to him and he looks at me, waiting for my answer._

_"Yea."_

_I say low. He nods and parks his car on the street. I keep looking around the neighborhood, it wasn't like ours, their were people walking around in there underwear. He pats my shoulder and nudges me._

_"Come on."_

_I sigh and open the car door, we get off the car and I stay near it, afraid of all these people. He walks up to me and smiles down at me._

_"Follow me."_

_He starts to walk down a cement path to a raunchy apartment building, broken windows, crud on the walls. But , I followed him. I kept my eyes on the ground as we walked up the stairs and to a door. When he pulls out his keys, I finally look up. We were in front of a door that said 2C. He turns to me and I look down._

_"This is my place, so don't feel uncomfortable."_

_He turns back around and opens the door. He walks in and mumbles something, then I hear people groaning, people saying lazy hi's. I walk in behind him and my eyes grow wide, there were people in his house, 7 to be exact. One on the floor, sprawled out, eyes closed. 4 on the couch, passing around what Im guessing is a cig, then two guys sitting at a table, rubber ties wraped around their arms, like they were getting ready to have blood taken from them, one guy had a lighter under a spoon, the other guy was clenching his fist, tapping his arms, looking, what Im guessing,is for his veins. Then I see him pull out a shot. He sucks up something from the spoon and takes the needle to his arm, then slowly pushe-_

"QUIN, Bath time!"

I whip my head up and look at my my door, trailing my eyes to the thick glass. I see Judy's familiar eyes staring into mines, then I hear the sound of the lock on my door being fiddled with. The door opens and I see Judy, a bright light shining from behind her through the windows, How long was I out for? She lifts up her hand, showing me the dangling pair of handcuffs.

"Don't make a scene Quin, just cooporate."

I wasn't in the mood today, for once I just wanted to be outside, like everyone else.I stand up from my bed and slowly make my way to Judy. She grabs my arm and my body reacts, grabing her wrists. She eyes me and pulls up the handcuffs, making me drop my hand from her wrist. I let her grip me hard and she tugs on my arm, making me follow her. I keep my gaze on the floor, watching my feet slowly moving one step in front of eachother. I hear the sound of all the other patients in the lounge talking, watching Music Videos, playing games, being ten times more free than me. I keep walking and I see the line of patients, waiting outside the Shower room, Their nurses standing right next to them. We pass the lounge and get to the line, thats when I notice her, Sara was here, she was standing next to Brit. I started to feel the small comfort zone fill me again, but why?

"Last Shower Group 10:30."

Cathy says into the speakers, letting everyone in the womans Ward know. Judy lets go of my arm and looks at me.

"Stay here Quin."

I watch her as she lets go of my arm, her hand print made marks on my arm, slightly purple. I look back up and see Judy open the shower room door, all the nurses and patients walking in. I let everyone go in, leaving me the last in the hall. Judy says something inside the room, then turns to look at me, picking up her hand, using her index finger to motion me over to her.

"Don't run Quin."

She says stern, but for the first time I didn't wanna run? It was weird. I slowly walked up to her and she shoves me inside the door. I try to steady myself, but lose my balance, falling flat to the ground, my face smashing into the tile again. I felt the wave of dizziness hit me as I tried to open my eyes, looking at the pink walls of the room. My head hurt, but mostly, my cheek was stinging bad. I blink a couple of times, finally getting my vision clear and slowly lift my head up. I could hear the sound of everyone laughing, their familiar giggles bouncing off the walls, making my head spin. I felt Judys death grip on my arm again, pulling my body up from the ground. As I got to my feet, my body started to shake,my head throbbing bad.

"Tegan are you okay?"

I hear a voice say, I turn around in Judys grasp and see Sara. She looks at me and I feel Judy tug on my arm.

"Shes fine, you've had worse huh Quin."

She says, releasing my arm, and hitting my back hard. I flinch at the stinging pain and she starts to laugh loud.

"Judy, wanna switch ?"

I drop my head to the ground, why was she nice to me? It still bugged me to know why?Last nurse I trusted, Amanda, was the same way, but she had a needle too, making her just like everyone else.

"I can handle her Johnson."

I look back up at Sara and she looks at me, dropping her head down. She turns around and starts to turn on the water for Brit. She turns on the water, then sits down on the stool next to Brits station, never once lifting up her head to look at me. I felt a hard tug on my arm and I whip my head around. Judy looks at me and shakes her head.

"You know you only have a couple minutes, stop waisting my time Quin."

She shoves me back and I stumble, steadying myself on the wall. What was the point of fighting back? I was just gonna get thrown to the floor, have the needle in my skin for a couple seconds, then blackout for a couple of hours.

"Okay."

I say low, I reach down and grab the hem of my shirt, pulling it over my head and handing it to Judy. She balls it up and puts it under her arm.

"Pants too Quin."

I sigh and go through my normal routine, but feel suddenly embarrassed? I grab the start of my white scrub pants and start to pull them down, when out of the corner of my eye, I see Sara. I turn my head a little, catching her gaze, she was staring right into my eyes. I have never, ever smiled at a nurse here, but when she smiled weakly at me, I couldn't help my lips from curling a little. I continue to pull my pants down, never once taking my gaze away from her. I stand up, and the embarrassed feeling comes back when Sara looks up and down my whole body, her smile slowly fading away. As she searched my skin, I couldn't help but wonder what she was looking at, what was making her stare. I look down to my body, and my eyes drop. Thats what she was looking at, all the bruises on my skin, my legs filled with them from the needle piercing my skin a numerous amount of times, my stomach had slight bruise stains, some yellow from the nurses handling me, slamming me down on the floor, diggind their elbows into me to make me stop squirming, scars from my past. I look back up and she has her eyes back on mines.

"Quin!"

I jump at my name comming from Judys mouth, making me turn to her. My water was running and she was holding out the bottle of liquid body wash and shampoo. I turn around and face the showerhead, my bare back facing Sara. I step a little closer to the water and Judy grabs my hand, pulling it up and squeezing some of the shampoo onto my palm, then slapping my hand on my head. I sigh and she sits back down on her stool. I bring my other hand up and lather the soap in my hair, but wince when I go over the cut I got last week from being slammed onto the floor. I ignore the pain as best as I can, then I step under the water, my eyebrow stinging lightly. I was already used to this, and the worse thing about it though, is that I shouldn't have to be. I know that everyone here hates me, that they wish I was dead so I wouldn't give them any trouble, I know it all.

When the water washes away all the soap from my hair, I open my eyes and stare at the wall in front of me, the water running down, dripping from my eyelashes, making it hard for me to see clearly.

_(Tegan age 16)_

_I lay down in my bed, feeling the cold sheets under my naked body. I turn on my back and look up at the ceiling, staring at it. It was the fourth time this week that Jay has done this, bringing in more guys then usual, and my body was starting to get sore. I lift my head up and look down to my body, the small bite marks between my thighs, the gashes from fists with rings pounding my legs, I was tired._

_"Tegan."_

_I here Jays voice through the door, then the low knock. I reach down and grab the covers, pulling them over my body and laying all the way down. The door knob twists, and the door opens, Jay peeking his head in._

_"Hey, Mike was happy this time, he said hes comming by next week, double the money."_

_Mike, he was a regular, came in every week, but I never called him Mike, I called him the guy with the rings. Each finger of his hand had a ring, even a wedding ring, but that didn't stop him from all this. Hes been a "Client" since I started out at 14, he was the guy who payed top dollar to do anything he wanted with me, without any shame._

_"Look I know your tired, but one last one, hes actually paying more than Mike, he wants you in the shower, so hurry up."_

_I felt my eyes start to water, I was tired, I had just finished with Mike, and before Mike, their were two other guys, I was seriously exhausted._

_"Jay . . . please can I just sleep."_

_I plead, looking into his eyes, begging with the little puddles in them._

_"Hurry up!"_

_He raises his voice, and slams the door shut, making my body jump. I lay back down and look up at the ceiling, I didn't agree to this, any of this, it just happened. Jay never exactly asked, he demanded, but even though I didn't agree to this, I still felt like I had to. He took me in at 10 years old, he feeds me everyday, her buys me clothes, even though I work for that money, he helps me, so I have no choice._

_I wipe the small tear from my eye and take a deep breath, shakingly exhaling. I grab the sheets, not wanting to look at my body anymore, and stand up off the bed. I wince at the sorness between my legs, making my eyes close for a couple of seconds. When the pain subsides a little, I move one foot in front of the other, slowly making my way to the door and grabbing the robe I use to walk out naked. I put it on my body and tie the strings,making sure none of my private areas are showing. I grab the doorknob and slowly twist it, slightly preparing myself for whats to come. I step out of my room and see Jay. Hes sitting down on his kitchen table, eating some eggs and toast. He takes a bite of his toast and looks up at me._

_"Ready?"_

_I look at him, giving him a little nod. He nods and picks up his plate and fork, walking over to the door._

_"Im gonna get him, pound on the wall when your ready for him."_

_I don't say anything, I just watch him walk out of the door. I make my way over to the other door and open it, stepping into the bathroom. I turn on the light and look around the room. The dim light, the light blue walls, the white bathrub and shower curtain. I close my eyes as I strip myself of the robe, letting it fall to the ground and kicking it to the side. I walk over to the sink, and look in the mirror. When I woke up in the morning, my face didn't look like this, I didn't have a big dark purple bite mark on my cheek, my hair wasn't tangled, my mascara wasn't smuged, my eyes weren't tired, and my face wasn't pale, but this is how I always looked at the end of the day, except, the new bite mark, Mike got to carried away today._

_I sigh and turn my head to the side, opening up the medicine cabinet, and grabbing the strip of condoms. I take off two of them and look at them, the shiny material. I turn back around and take the couple of steps over to the shower, stepping into the tub and turning the water on. Through the thin walls, I hear out front door slam closed. I tilt my head under the water and let the scolding hot liquid run down my face, you would think it would burn right? It didn't, at least not anymore, once you have been through hell with pain, everything that looks like its supposed to hurt you, or is proven to cause a little pain, doesn't. I was used to the burn, I was used to the cuts, the hits, the bruises, I was used to it all._

_I take a small step, letting my whole body get covered in water, letting it wash away all the sweat, blood, and other things I was only going to let shower me again. When my body was rinsed, I lift my head up, and close my eyes, bringing my fist to the wall. I take a deep breath and bring my hand back, pounding the wall hard 3 times, letting Jay know I was ready. I keep my hand on the wall, feeling my body ache, just to lay down for once, and sleep throught the night, but for Jay, money was money, its what kept a roof over our heads, its what got me high sometimes, it was clothed me, fed me, helped me, __**us**__ survive. _

_I heard the sound of the bathroom door open, then close. I could hear every move this guy made, taking small steps to the tub, unbuckling his belt, the sound of his zipper being pulled down, his pants falling to the floor, everything. But when I heard the curtains being pulled back, the rings sliding against the metal rod, my eyes opened. I could feel his body step inside the tub, and I could feel his breath on my neck. I lift my head slowly and in the corner of my eye, I see him shut the curtain, his huge hand, on the curtain. I close my eyes again, feeling the tears starting to form in my eyes. I feel his arm grab mines and I-_

I feel fingers wrap around my arm, making my body react. I turn around and for a second, I see the same guy that was in the shower, and feel my eyes water. Before I can even think, I bring my my fist and hit him in the nose, watching him tumble back on the ground. My anger taking the best of me, making me crawl over his body and wrap my arms around his throat, watching his face struggle.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

I scream, tightening my grip on him. I felt a pair of arms wrap around me, pulling me off him. I shake my head and keep screaming how much I hate him, but when my body slams back down onto the floor, my head hitting the tile, everything was gone, and my eyes went black.

Sara POV:

When I saw Tegan hit Judy, my body froze, but when I saw Judy fall, and Tegan climbed ontop of her, wrapping her fingers around her neck, I saw something different in Tegans eyes. I saw that she wasn't going to stop, thats when my body reacted. When I got to Judy, she was struggling to find her breath, and grabbing around her neck, touching it, making sure all of that was even real. When I turned to my side, I saw Tegan lying there, her eyes closed, a small amount of blood leaving her head, and washing down the drain. All the patients stood there, while all the nurses came to Judy, making sure she was okay. What caught my eye is how no one, not even a patient went to help Tegan, the girl who was laying naked in the middle of the tile, blood leaving her head.

"Sara, take Tegan back to her room!"

I look up at Holly, her body hovered over Judy.

"Go, Mindy call Cathy!"

Holly shouts, I turn around and look at Tegan, her eyes starting to flutter and her head stiring. I stand up and walk over to her, kneeling down, I pick up her head and she groans, the pain probably to much. I sigh and look at her, that wasn't her. Something triggered her to do that to Judy, it wasn't her "Personality disorder". I look down to her body, all the bruises, all the cuts, I had to get her out of here. I move over a little, and look at her body again, she didn't look that heavy. I put one of my arms under her neck, grabbing onto her shoulder, then put the other under her legs, with all my might, all my energy, I lift us up, feeling my breath already become ragged. I grunt as I make sure I have her body fully in my arms, I was weak, but I did this all the time with my brother, a guy who weighed 170 pounds, I think I could handle her. I start to walk when I see Cathy at the door, she looks at me, then down to Tegans body, her breathing heavy.

"I opened her door for you."

She says to me, right before she rushes inside the room and runs to Judy. I look down at Tegan again, her head still stirring, the feeling of her blood sinking into the thermal on my arm. I look back up and start to walk, making my way out of the shower room. When I get into the hall, I see Ralph and Ted, walking behind their food carts, pushing them to the cafeteria. I keep walking and Ted looks at me, his eyes grow wide and he lets go of his cart, rushing over to me.

"Give her to me."

He says, seeing me slightly struggle with her body in my arms, I nod and he replaces my arms with his. I bring my arms back down to my side, feeling them shake from her weight.

"Where do you want her?"

I walk in front of him and he follows me. As we keep walking we pass Ralph, he looks at me and then to Ted.

"Why is she naked?"

Ralph calls out, I ignore him and get in front of Tegans door. Ted looks at me, and I walk inside the room, standing close to the wall.

"Lay her on the bed."

I tell him, her nods and gently leans down, placing Tegans body on the bed. I look at him and see the blood on his arm from her head.

"Its fine, I have extra shirts in my locker, do you need anymore help?"

I nod my head and look at Tegan.

"Can you get me the First Aid Kit under the nurses desk?"

He nods and walks out of the room. I sigh and look up and down Tegans body, she actually had a really beautiful body, even with the tattoos, it was silky, it looked soft?

"Here."

I snap out of my thoughts and whip my head around, I see Ted, holding out the box for me. I grab it and he looks at me.

"Anything else?"

He asks me, I shake my head and he nods.

"Are you sure?"

"Yea, Just . . . close the door for me please?"

He looks at me like Im crazy, but I look at him and he just nods.

"O-Okay."

He turns around walks out of the door, looking at me as he pushes it slowly. When the door clicks, I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I must look crazy, I was in the room with the most "Dangerous Patient" in the ward, no sedater, nothing. I set the kit down on the bed, and sit down on the edge, looking at her face. She looked so lifeless, like she was . . . dead, but her steady breathing was the only thing reasuring me that she was in fact alive. I move up a little closer, and reach my hand down to her forhead. I blink and see Bryan, his face relaxed, his body lifeless, and his breathing steady, and it made a tear form in my eye when I blinked and it went all away. Why did she remind me of him? She didn't look like him, she didn't talk like him, they just felt like one though.

She starts to groan and move her head, her face scrunching up. It must hurt. I grab her head and bring my hand under it, lifting it up. She stirs in my hand and her eyes start to flutter.

"Tegan?"

I say low, trying my best not to startle her, trying not to scare her, then let her hurt me. Her eyes slowly open and she looks at me through her gaze.

"Mom?"

She says low, her voice already raspy. I bring my other hand up and push the wet hair away from her face, she was actually very . . . beautiful.

"No, its me Tegan . . . Sara."

She closes her eyes and I see a small smile forms on her face.

"Thats such a pretty name."

She mumbles, I chuckle and she opens her eyes again, this time, they weren't dazed, they were clear, big, wide.

"My head hurts."

She says, I nod and look at her.

"You fell and hit your head."

She moves her head from my hand and winces, she brings her hand up and touches the back of her head, her hand slightly colliding with mines. When she brings her hand to her face, she see's the small drop of blood. She sighs and starts to sit up, when I see her body wobble.

"Maybe you should lay down, let me fix you up."

She looks at me, and looks down, eyeing my pockets. When she looks back up at me, thats when I realise what shes looking for. I smile weakly and shake my head.

"I don't have one this time."

She eyes me, then looks back down.

"Your lying."

She says, cold and low. I shake my head and grab her hand, she flinches and I look into her eyes. She relaxes her hand and I pull her hand into my big pocket, letting her feel the empty space. She looks up at me and I smile.

"I told you . . ."

She looks back down, and suddenly, I feel her hand turn over inside the pocket, my hand stays still as she brings her hand to mines. She keeps her eyes on our hands inside the pocket, never once looking at me, as she gets her index finger and brings it to my palm, lighting tracing small figure 8's into my skin. I watch her eyes, as she watches our hands, looking at them like an experiment, a wonderful experiment. I start to smile to myself, she was trusting me.

"Sara?"

I hear a familiar voice and I pull my hand away and turn my head to the door. I see Cathys face through the small chunk of glass, and then I hear the door lock being fiddled with. I keep my eyes on the door as it opens and she comes into plain sight. She looks at me, then to my hand behind Tegans head. I look at her and she has a pair of clothes in one hand, and a small package on top. She walks over to me and look at Tegan.

"Your getting written up Quin."

I look at Tegan and see her eyes fall to my pants, looking at them. I look back up and Cathy shakes her head, turning to me.

"After you clean her up, dress her."

She places everything on the bed and turns on her heals, walking out. She turns around and looks at me before closing the door.

"Its unlocked, so when you come out lock it."

I nod and she slams the door shut, I can hear her footsteps walking away. I sigh and grab the stuff, pulling them onto my lap. Suddenly, I feel a grip on my knee, I look down and see Tegans hand, her knuckles white. I look at her face, her eyes wide, as she eyes something. I follow her gaze and stop when I see it, the small packaged sedater, sitting there, the needle shining under her light in her room. I look back at her, and she has a small tear in her eye, she looks up at me and I shake my head.

"I won't use it . . . I promise."

She looks at me in the eyes, probably praying that Im not tricking her, but I could see the fear she had in her eyes, she was afraid of this needle, so bad. I lay her head back down on the small plastic pillow she has and notice how her head goes right through it, no fluffiness in it at all. I make a mental note to get her another one, then I reach down, suprised my hands not covered in blood and grab the package. She flinches and I look at her.

"Its fine."

I say as I open the package, thats when I see her start to squirm, she shakes her head and moves away from me to the wall, her lips trembling, her eyes watering.

"Please . . . don't."

She says, letting the first tear fall. I nod and she chokes on a sob, I look at the needle. I grab the trigger and push it up, squeezing all the medicine out of the needle and onto the ground. I look at the ground, the little droplets all on the green floor. I reach over and put the needle down on the little built in shelf, and turn around. Her tears were gone, her body was still tense though, and her eyes were glued to mines.

I smile at her weakly and she starts to move back to me, closer than before. She keeps her eyes on mines as her body starts to tremble, goosebumps rising on her skin. I look at her and put my hand back on her forhead, this time, she didn't flinch. I push back her bangs again and look a t her face.

"Let me clean you up okay?"

She nods and I smile.

"Can you sit up for me really quickly, let me check your head."

She obeys and sits up, grabbing onto my pants, her eyes slightly rolling.

"Dizzy?"

I ask her, she nods and speaks low.

"Yea. . ."

I nod and she looks up at me, I smile quickly, and gently push her head down, looking at her scalp, digging through her thick hair, finding the small cut, causing all the blood. I look at it and lift her head back up.

"You have a small cut, want me to call the ambulance?"

I joke with her, she chuckles lightly and looks down at my pants again. I feel her grip loosen on my thigh and then I feel her fingers lightly dancing across my pants.

As I continued to clean her head, taking off all the blood with little alcohol towelets, I finally finish, and put a little ointment on it to stop the bleeding. When I finish, I smile, she was still letting her fingers trace my thigh. I lift her head up and smile at her.

"All done."

She nods and I see her goosebumps rise again. I place my hands on her arms and rub them, trying to warm her.

"Lets get you changed yea?"

She nods and I stand up, her hand falling from my thigh. I turn around towards her, and grab the shirt, unfolding it and holding it out for her. She takes it, and puts it on herself, the material hanging loosely off her shoulders. I grab her pants and unfold those too. She swings her legs over the edge and starts to stand up, when I see her body get wobbly, swaying from side to side. I shake my head and sit her back down, making her lay down like before.

"I'll put them on for you."

She looks at me, and brings her forearm over her eyes, sheidling herself away. I look down her legs and see the small patch of curls, suddenly feeling slightly weird, a tingly feeling in my stomach. I shake the thoughts away, and lean down, placing both of her feet into the holes and sliding them up her legs, stopping at her knees. Before I ask her, she lifts up her hips and her body rises off the bed, and I pull them up to her waist. She sets her hips back down and I hear a small sob escape from her throat.

Tegan POV:

When she said she would put my pants on for me, I don't know why, but I got a flashback of my past, the guys faces as they pulled my pants down, but when I blinked, I saw Sara, and I felt . . . okay? I tried to shield my eyes, not wanting her to see my tears, but I fail.

"Tegan . . . are you okay?"

I have never told anyone what I have been through, never, not even my therapist here. I wasn't about to tell her, even though out of everyone, shes been the nicest.

"I just . . . want to sleep."

I say, I did, I was tired, I knew what tomorrow would have in store for me, not only was it Friday, but after what happened with Judy, I new I was going to be in trouble with Dr. Renolds.

I lift my arm from my eyes and she looks at me, nodding.

"You don't want to eat lunch?"

I shake my head, the thought of food making my stomach want to hurl. She nods again and smiles at me.

"If you need anything then . . . just call out my name?"

She asks, for once, I looked at her, and saw a different look, a look no one had ever given me before. It had hope in it? Like she was hoping I said yes, like she was hoping to see me?

"Yea . . . o-okay."

I nod and she smiles bigger. She grabs all her things, the trash, the empty syringe, and starts to walk to the door.

"Im gonna tell them that . . . I sedated you. . . so they won't bother you."

She says, her head facing the door. She turns around to me and nods.

"So you won't get in trouble today?"

Why was she so nice, it was killing me.

"Thanks."

She nods and pushes open the door, walking out. When the door closes, I see her eyes through the thick glass and she looks at me. She smiles bigger and waves sweetly. I couldn't help but chuckle a little, she was kind of . . . adorable in a way? But she was still a nurse, still someone who thought I was crazy. She walks away, her smile disappearing and I smile a little, looking at where her face was just moments ago.

She was so pretty, her hair was shiny, her body was nice, and her smile, her smile was just unbelievable.

Sara POV:

I havent seen Tegan since this afternoon, when I left her room from cleaning her up. I tried to check on her twice, but I got called by Cathy each time. Right now, Im clocking out already, its already time for me to leave home.

I grab the small paper from my cubby and look at it, placing it under the small stamper, hearing the clunking noise. I set it back down inside my cubby and turn around. I look at Holly and Cathy, both on their computers.

"So, what time do I come in tomorrow?"

I ask them, Cathy shakes her head and looks up at me.

"You have the day off tomorrow, you come in Saturday at 9:30 again."

I nod and she smiles.

"Your get to work visiting hours, since Judys not gonna be here."

I nod and remember this morning. After I came back from Tegans room, they said Tegan had broke Judys nose, so Dr. Renolds sent her home for the week, letting her heal up.

"So, since were gonna be one girl short, your gonna have to start working night shifts starting Monday, is that okay with you?"

I nod my head and she smiles.

"Alright, go on home."

"Alright, bye guys, see you Saturday."

They both wave me away and I start to walk back down the hall. Today was tiring, I just couldn't wait to sleep in tomorrow. I keep walking through the hall and spot Tegans door. I look around and see no one in the halls, making it okay, even though it wasn't wrong. I walk over to her door, her light still on. I get on my tip toes and peek in through the thick glass. She was sitting on her bed, criss crossed, her head down and her index finger tracing things into her sheets. I smile, and bring my hand to her door, using my index finger to lightly tap on her door. Her head lifts up and she looks at the door, trailing her eyes up to mines through the glass. I smile at her and she smiles lightly. I wait there for a couple of seconds, just looking at her. She finally stands up, and slowly walks over to the door, her face leveled with mines. She looks at me and I smile big.

"Feeling better?"

I whisper to her through the door, she looks at me and nods. I nod and smile bigger.

"Thats good."

She doesn't say anything, she just stares at me, looking into my eyes. After a minute, I feel my cheeks grow hot, was I blushing? I shake it away and she finally says something.

"Will you be here . . . Tomorrow?"

I look at her, and shake my head, sighing.

"No, on Saturday though."

I watch as her small smile turns down, her face now drooped. I feel my heart slowly twitch and I try to cheer her up.

"How about Saturday, I bring you a turkey sandwhich for lunch? Would you like that?"

I see her face light up a little again and she nods. I nod and smile.

"Okay, well Im gonna go home now, I'll see you saturday okay?"

She nods and I look at her in the eyes.

"Be good tomorrow okay?"

She nods again, and I smile, turning around and starting to walk away.

"Bye Sara."

I hear her small voice and I feel my heart pump. I turn around to say bye back, but her face wasn't in front of the glass anymore.

"Bye Tegan."

**30 Minutes later**

I ride up the elevator of my apartment building, my eyes staring at the metal doors. I felt so bad for Tegan, I felt like she was alone, even though she was alone, but still. Hopefully I get to meet her family on Saturday when they come to visit her, maybe talk to them a little about Tegan, and her condition. The doors finally open and I step out of the elevator, walking down to my door. After minutes of searching through my purse, I finally find my keys, and unlock my door. I step inside my apartment and drop all my thing to the side. I close my door and sigh, starting to walk to my fridge. I open the door, and grab another beer, maybe I should go grocery shopping. I feel my stomach growl as I look at my empty shelves, nothing to eat. I groan and turn around, grabbing the bottle opener and opening the beer. I take a small sip and suddenly hear a knock on my door. I slowly make my way over to the door, and without looking through the little peep whole, I open it. I look out and see Ben, holding a huge pizza box in his hand, and in the other, a 12 pack of Pepsi. I smile and lean against the door, looking at him.

"Hey Sara, are you busy?"

I look around my empty aprtment, and then back to him.

"Yea, me and all my guests."

He laughs and shakes his head.

"Well, I was wondering, If you wanted to have some dinner, because I kinda have to talk to you."

I nod my head and move out of his way, letting him in. He walks in, and I close the door behind him. I turn around and he sets the Pizza on the coffee table in the living room. I walk over to him and he plops down on the couch, grabbing a can of Pepsi. I sit down a couple inches away from him, and bring one knee up to my chest, tucking the other under my bum. I turn to him and he smiles, looking at me up and down.

"Just got off work?"

He raises his eyebrow and I look down, still in my scrubs. I chuckle and nod.

"Let me change, hold on."

I get up from the couch and walk towards my room. I get inside and close the door, walking to my dresser. I strip off my clothes and toss them into my hamper, then open my drawers, grabbing a plain black Muscle shirt, and a pair of gray shorts, slipping them on, and grabbing a pair of socks. I walk out of my room, after checking myself out a little in the mirror, and walk back to the couch. I plop down again, taking the same position as before and laugh at Ben. He was eating a slice of Pizza, the cheese hanging from the corner of his mouth.

"Get some."

I nod and reach down to the box, grabbing a slice and digging in. As we ate, we talked about everything that happened to me at work today. I told him about Tegan and how all the nurses seem to hate her and all that, all he did was shake his head though and shrug it away.

"So, what did you need to talk to me about Ben?"

She shifts in his spot and looks down, then up to me.

"I got called in to work on Saturday night, I won't be able to go out."

I look at him and then look down to the ground. Its been a while since I've been out on a date, I was kind of looking foward to it, see what he has to offer me.

"And I know you have to work tomorrow, so I just wanted to make this night up to you, Im sorry Sara."

I shake my head and smile at him.

"I don't work tomorrow, I have the day off."

He lifts his head up and looks at me, a small smile on his face.

"Really?"

I nod and he nods, smiling big.

"So . . . can I stay for a while?"

He asks, I chuckle and look at him. Like I said he was handsome, he was nice, he was basically every girls perfect guy, maybe I need to stop putting him in the friend zone, and maybe start putting him in the date zone.

I shift my body closer to him, and keep my eyes on him, watching him as he watches me. I feel our arms touch and our thighs brush against eachother. He looks down from my eyes to my lips, lightly licking his. I hesitate for a second, then lean in, he meets me halfway and our lips connect, slowly moving. He slips his tongue into my mouth and I feel my body slightly ease, as I bring my hands up and cup his jaw, feeling the stubble under my palms. I start to lean back on my couch, pulling him with me, and opening my legs, letting him rest his body between them. I keep kissing him, our tongues sliding together, when he pulls away slowly. He looks at me, and searches my face.

"Can I . . . stay the night?"

He asks, his voice shakey, obviously afraid to be rejected by me and look stupid. I bring my hand to his lips and lightly trace them with my finger, feeling the roughness in them, the strongness in them, maybe to much sterness in them, but I lean up and kiss him again. Our tongues once again reuniting, thats when I mumble into his mouth.

"Stay the Night Ben."


	4. What Hurts The Most (Part 1)

Authors Note: Hey Guys, sorry for not posting sooner, I've just been busy, with Christmas comming up, finishing all my old stories, babysitting, life has got me tied up. But, I have here, Chapter 4. This Chapter was short, but thats because its two parts, this is only the begining of this Chapter, thats why it actually has a Name on the Chapter Listings. In this Chapter, they get close, and in the next ones, they get closer. Also, I have a suprise for you readers, I will be giving you a weekend of them, you'll see what I mean later, but its on christmas weekend, so be prepared. This chapter does have triggers: Self Harm & Rape, so you have been warned. Also Im starting on Chapter 5 right now, hopefully I get it done. Also, I love when you guys Review, it motivates me to write more, alot more. So please REVIEW & ENJOY :D

*If the text is Bold, its me telling you to remember it, because it will be in future chapters. Song of the Chapter was All The Things She Said by T.A.T.U. I don't know why I just listened to it and it clicked with me for some reason. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW :D

Chapter 4:

Tegan POV: What Hurts The Most (Part 1)

"Tegan?"

I lift my head up and look at Ms. Camey. She was my therapist here, I didn't like talking to Dr. Renolds, I didn't even like talking to her, but she was the only one I was able to be around without wanting to snap.

"You know what you did yesterday right?"

She asks, her small voice making my ears ring. I look down to the metal handcuffs on my hand, Dr. Renolds made me wear them. I fiddle with my thumbs, swirling them around eachother,shrugging.

"You attacked Judy . . . Tegan, what were you thinking about ?"

I close my eyes, the image of the man behind me in the shower, touching me, handling me roughly, covering my mouth, muffling my cries out for help, I just thought she was him . . . _I just thought she was him._

"I don't know . . ."

She sighs and I open my eyes, looking at her for the first time in minutes. Shes writing something down on her notepad. When shes done, she sighs again, then puts her pen on her desk.

"What are you thinking about right now?"

I look at her, and she starts to tap her pen on her desk, waiting for me to reply.

"Can you stop that, please."

She nods her head and puts her pen back in her lap, still looking at me waiting. I look at the floor, what was I thinking about?

_I bring the blunt to my lips, inhaling the smoke, feeling the smoke fill my lungs. I look around the neighborhood, people walking around, guys dealing right in the middle of the street. I exhale and watch as the smoke fills the air, making it smell stale and skunky. Its my birthday today, Im now officially 17, but I don't feel like it. When I woke up this morning, there was a small cupcake waiting for me in the fridge from Nena, she was Jays girlfriend. She was the one girl who was my actual friend, not only was she his __**business **__as well, but she was only 19. She started all this when she first got with him, at the age of 17, and she's been around ever since. When I finished my cupcake, Jay came in and told me that today, I only had 3 guys to deal with, just because it was my birthday. I just finished with Roger, he was another regular like Mike, but Roger was at least more understanding of the word no, more than Mike was. _

_I take another hit, feeling my eyes slightly relax. I look down at the small wrap, when did I start this? I was always a kid who said they would never do it, but after I tried it once, I wanted to feel the high all the time, especially when it came the time for me to work. I just lay there and let the guys do whatever they want with me now. The first 2 years were scary, now it was all just a routine. I have regulars that have been a regular for three years, like Mike and Roger, then theres Anthony, Ron, Frank, and a couple more. They all pay the most money to sleep with me, or to even have me spend days with them. Last time, Mike payed Jay 5 grand, just for me to go over his house and spend the whole day with him, because his wife and daughter were out of town. That day, Mike showed me no mercy, he bit me, scratched me, whipped me, and he forced me to do things that I had never done before, since then, thats when I just got used to it all. _

_I see Jays car pull up in front of the building, his fixed up cadillac, rims, new paint, all of that, all that new stuff to his car, I made possible. He gets out of the car and walks over to me, smiling big. He looks at me and nudges my shoulder._

_"Come on, I got you a birthday present."_

_I smile and look at him, he walks past me and I put the blunt to the cemement, scratching it. I let it go and follow him. When we get to his door, he opens it and turns around to me._

_"Go sit at the table."_

_I listen to him and walk over to the table, sitting down and watching him. He takes out a brown plastic bag from his jacket pocket and walks over to me, sitting down next to me. I look at him and he turns to me._

_"Got a hook up from ma boy today, he got some new shit."_

_I look down and he turns the bag over, letting all the contents fall from the bag and onto the old brown table, making clicking sounds. I look at the stuff, a small dime bag, filled with a vanilla looking color powder. The small syringe next to it, a large elastic band next to it, a small spoon and a lighter. I look up at him and he smiles, nodding his head._

_"Wanna try?"_

_I look back down, the image of people comming into our house and overdosing on it, burning my head. For a second, I felt my heart jump, No._

_"No, Im fine."_

_He looks at me and eyes me. He grabs the baggy and opens it, pouring a little amount of the powder on the spoon, he grabs the lighter and lights it under the metal. I look at the powder, watching as it turns into a brown liquid, looking so toxic. He looks at me and shakes his head._

_"You gonna, I didn't buy this shit for no reason, I thought you wanted it, spent 50 bucks."_

_I sigh and shake my head._

_"No, Jay Im just gonna go to bed."_

_I start to get up, when I feel his hand grab my wrist, pulling me back down. I stumble onto the chair and he eyes me._

_"50 bucks, sit the fuck down."_

_I hear the scorn in his voice, making me jump. I listen to him and her grabs the syringe, bringing it to the liquid, pulling the trigger back and sucking it all up. He looks at me and drops the spoon._

_"Give my your arm."_

_I didn't want to, I didn't want it, I saw what this did to people, I didn't want it. But he grabbed my arm from my side, and held it tight. He looked at my arm and hit it repeatedly._

_"Tighten your fist."_

_I felt the small tear come from my eye, making me start to shake. I closed my eyes and clenched my fist into a ball, feeling my hand tremble with fear. I didn't want it, I didn't want to go this far, Weed was something totally different, this stuff was addicting. I've seen people come to Jay, their bodies old, their teeth missing, yellow or black, their skin filled with holes, from scratching themselves, I watched them begg him for this stuff, he always sold it, but never did it._

_Suddenly, I felt the needle pierce into my skin, making my eyes scrunch and the tears start to stream. I felt the hot liquid run into my veins, coursing through my bloodstream. I felt my body suddenly realx, starting from my toes, shooting up all the way to my body, making my slump back in my chair. _

_When I opened my eyes, I saw the ceiling, but it was moving. I felt my body being thrown on a familiar bed, my bed. I kept my eyes on the ceiling, watching as it stood so still now.I felt my body moving, but numb at the same time. I tried to lift my head up and see what was going on, but I was lost. Then, I felt someone crawling up my body. When I blinked, Jay was laying on top of me. I tried to focus on him, trying to see what he was doing, but it was impossible._

_"Lets see what all these guys come back for."_

_He says, leaning in and kissing me hard. My eyes went wide, the adrenaline pushing away the high enough for me to realize what was happneing. I place my hands on his chest and tried to move him away, but he wouldn't budge. He finally got tired of my pushing and pulled away, grabbing my hands and pinning them above my head._

_"Jay, what are you doing?"_

_I ask on the verge of tears again. I saw the look in his eyes, he was high. I started to sob and he put both of my wrists in one hand and trailing his other hand down. I felt something at my entrance. I look down and see his hands on his cock, grabbing it. I see my naked boyd and start to shake. He plunged into me and I felt my walls tear, my body jerking. _

"Tegan?"

I lift my gaze up from the floor and look at Ms. Camey. Shes looking at me, her eyes kind of dropped.

"Why are you crying?"

She asks, I blink my eyes and feel a couple of tears leave my eyes, rolling down my cheek, leaving hot trails as its path for others. I look at her and feel my eyes close again. I couldn't get rid of my past, it was something that haunted me everyday, everyday since I've been here.

"Tegan, is there something you would like to tell me?"

I look at her again and shake my head, no one would understand. They would just tell me that its the past, to forget about it, move on, but the truth was, my past was the reason I was in here, I was in here because of everything I had done.

_BBBBBRRRRIIIINNNNGGGGG!_

The timer pulls me from my thoughts. I open my eyes and look at Ms. Camey, watching her as she stops the ringing. She sighs and places it back down on the desk.

Shes about to say something, when her office door opens up. I look over to the door and see Cathy and Holly, both standing there waiting for me to stand up and walk over to them. I look at and she nods, telling me to go. I stand up and walk over to them, they both grab my shoulders hard and I feel my body want to react, hating the way they handle me.

"Tegan, Dr. Renolds is waiting for you in your room, you better not try anything funny."

I let them take my down the narrow hall and back into the ward. When we pass all the metal detectors, and gates, we turn the hall and my room is the first door on the left. I sigh and see it open, the sound of someone shuffling around in it. I close my eyes and they keep dragging me step by step.

"Put her in the bed."

I hear his old voice, Dr. Renolds. I open my eyes and see him looking at me, shaking his head. They lead me into the room and throw me on the bed, feeling the metal under the thin matress. I groan as my head hits the frame. They all turn around and Dr. Renolds stops them.

"Wait outside the door."

Cathy and Holly both nod. They continue to walk out, then close the door. Dr. Renolds look at me and sits down on the edge of my bed.

"Sit up."

He says sternly. I sigh and sit up, the handcuffs still on my hands. I move against the wall, my only safe place I have found here in this room. He moves closer and pulls up his clipboard from the matress. He looks it over and shakes his head. He look back up at me and sighs.

"Why did you assault Judy yesterday?"

He asks, I hear the sound of annoyance in his voice, we went through this all the time, except I only snapped on patients, never nurses, I never hit a nurse.

"She grabbed my arm, and it scared me."

I tell him truthfully. He sighs again and shakes his head.

"Tegan, you can't do that! Shes here to help you, not hurt you!"

"They always hurt me!"

I snap, I look down and feel his eyes burn into my skull.

"Who?"

It was mostly Judy, she hated me, sometimes Cathy, Holly only when I was causing trouble, the rest of the nurses just like Holly. But when it came down to it, it was Judy and Cathy.

"Judy and Cathy."

I say low. Never had I said anything about it before, I always just let it go. I new the nurses here hated me, wished that I would just commit suicide already, but I would be lying if I said that it didn't feel good to finally tell him.

"Judy and Cathy? They don't hurt you Tegan."

He says, not believeing me. I sigh and look at him.

"Yes they do, They always push me, making me fall, I have cuts all over my body from them Dr. Renolds."

He looks at me and shakes his head hard.

"Your crazy, their my top nurses here, you just don't like them, you just want to see them gone, stop making them out to be that bad guys Tegan."

"But -"

"No! Thats it, I've had it."

He stands up and walks to the door, poudning on it. The door opens and I look at him as Cathy and Holly walk up to him. He looks at me in the eyes, I feel my body shiver as he speaks.

"Shock Therapy."

Sara POV:

I place my coat into my locker, and straighten up my clothes. I grab my backpack and dig through it, grabbing my name tag and putting my backpack back into my locker. I place it on my chest and snap the back to it. Its saturday, finally. Yesterday Ben and I talked. He said that he didn't regret it at all, but he just wished that we would have done it later, after a couple dates, all of that stuff. Me on the other hand, I don't know what to think about the situation, when I woke up I felt awkward, but not too awkward to cook us breakfast, or to talk, or walk him out of my door. After that, I just spent all day in bed, thinking about it.

I reach in and grab the cafe bag, closing up my locker and locking it. I put my keys back into my pocket and walk over to the door, opening it and walking to the other door. I step in and smile, the security officers smile at me and I smile, setting my keys in the little tray and walking through the metal detector. I grab my keys and I hear someone walking behind me. I turn around and see one of the security officers looking through his keys. I turn back around and get to the gate. The officer smiles at me and unlocks the gate for me. I smile and step through.

"Whats your name Miss?"

He asks, I turn back around and look at him.

"Sara."

He smiles at me and nods.

"Im officer Brown, I'll be giving you your copy key for this gate soon."

I laugh and nod, thanking him and turning back around. I take a couple of steps and round the corner, looking down the halls. I walk past Tegans door and look down at the bag in my hands. I brang her a turkey sandwhich just like I promised her. I pass through the doors and get to the nurses desk, looking at all the nurses. Some new faces, and some familair like Cathy, Holly, and Mindy. I smile as I walk over to them. I lean on the counter and they all look up at me. I smile and reach down, grabbing a sharpie from the desk.

"Hey."

I write my name down on my bag and drop the sharpie back on the desk, They all look at me and smile.

"Hey, ready to work Visitation hours?"

I nod and look around, the halls and lounge empty.

"Where are all the patients?"

Holly shakes her head, taking a bite of her breakfast burrito.

"They don't come out until 10:00."

She says with her mouth full of food. I laugh and nod. I walk behind the nurses desk and grab my card from my cubby, I over look it really quickly before placing it under the stamper and hearing the big cluncking noise. I place it back in my cubby and turn around.

"Holly, can you put this inside the fridge for me?"

I ask her, holding out my bag. She nods and grabs it, putting it in the fridge.

"So, what am I going to do today?"

I ask them, grabbing a small spot of the desk and sitting down on it, watching the girls eat their breakfast.

"Well, It was usually Judy who ran the booth, so its you today."

Cathy says, I look at her and nod.

"Whats the booth?"

I ask them. Cathy looks at me and smiles.

"I'll show you after I finish eating."

I nod my head and just sit there. After a couple of minutes, Cathy stands up and grabs her keys, looking up at the clock.

"Come on."

I nod and she starts to walk away. I follow her down the hall, turning the corner. Suddenly, she walks to a wall and pulls up a set of blinds. I never even noticed that was there. A thick glass Window sits behind it. She smiles and turns around looking at me. I follow her again as she walks to the gate, opening it with her set of keys. We pass the gate and security officers, and step into the hall. She turns to her left and walks over to a door, opening it. I follow her and look into the room, there was a little hall that led to the window. The room was pretty dark, so I made my way cautiously, closing the door behind me. She gets to the end, near the window and flips a switch, the lights now shining around the room. I look around, the room was empty, except for the desk at the window, the chair tucked under it, and the three file cabinets next to the desk. I get to her and she walks over to the file cabinet, pulling out a huge folder, the cover saying "Visitation." She sets it down on the desk and smiles.

"Sit down."

I nod and pull out the chair, sitting down and looking at her. She flips open the folder and I see lots of papers, some with writing some with pictures, just stuff.

"Hold on."

She flips all the way to the back and stops, looking at me.

"Okay, pay attention."

I nod and look down at the book. I see a couple of patients names, then a couple of names next to theirs in bold letters.

"Heres the patients name, the names next to theirs, are the only people who are allowed to come in and see them. They are the only ones on the list, if, IF someone new comes to visit, you call me, over at the office and I'll come and handle it."

I nod and she continues.

"Now, when they come, you place a check mark on this piece of paper, next to their names, and put the date at the top for today."

She hands me another paper and I see all the patients names.

"Then when your done, you put it in the back of this book, this is the book that has all the visitations from this year so far, and the past three years, so put it at the end."

I nod and she smiles.

"Okay, heres the stack of nametags, now when they pass all this stuff, you write their names on the tag and the patients number on it, the patients number is on the sheet."

"Okay."

I smile up at her and she nods.

"Thats it, when all the patients have been checked, thats when you put the paper in the back of the book."

"Got it."

She smiles and looks down to her rubberband watch, I chuckle and she smiles.

"Get ready, their gonna start comming now."

She says, hopping off the desk and onto her feet.

"I'll see you later."

"Okay, bye."

She walks away and I look down, this seemed pretty easy. Suddenly, I hear a tap on the glass, I look up and see a man. He smiles at me and I smile back at him. I look at the glass and see the small drilled in holes, and the small metal hole at the bottom.

"Patients name sir?"

I ask him, he smiles and takes out his wallet.

"Brit Anderson."

I nod and look down at the book, finding Brits name, I look and see a list of 5 people who are allowed to see her. I look up at him and smile.

"ID please."

He nods and holds it up to the glass, letting me read his name. I look back down and nod, finding his name on the list. I get the other peice of paper and write the date at the top, then go down to Brits name, placing an **x **at the box next to her name. I grab a nametag and a sharpie from the little pen holder and write down his name, putting Brits number on it. I slide it under the metal hole and he takes it, putting it on. I smile and wiggle my body when he walks away. This wasn't so bad.

As time goes by, poeple start to form a line, I go through each of them, some asking where Judy was. Others knew, I was new, they said they had never seen me before, and they could just tell. I just laughed it off.

When the poeple stopped comming, I looked through the papers and noticed everyone was already checked, except for Tegan. I look next to her name and see it blank, she had no people next to her name, it might be a mistake. I turn to the back of the folder and scim past other visitation forms, I scim them and see Tegasn name, no check next to her name, no names next to her. I flip through some more, no one has ever visited her? I close the folder and stand up, turning off the light and walking to the door. I open it and make my way back inside the ward. After I pass the metal detectors, and gates, I turn the corner and smile. All the patients were walking around with their friends or family memebers, talking, hugging, crying. It was nice. I stop and turn to my left, looking at Tegans door, I still couldn't believe it. I look around again and walk down the hall and up to the nurses desk, only Holly sitting there. I lean on the counter and look at her.

"Hey, was it easy?"

She asks, smiling. I chuckle and nod.

"Hey, I wanted to ask you something?"

I tell her and looks at me and nods.

"Yea, what is it?"

I look around and lean down.

"How come Tegan doesn't have any visitors listed?"

She looks at me and shakes her head.

"No one comes to visit her, not since shes been here."

I sigh and look down, nodding my head, it wasn't a mistake.

"Well, do you mind if I check on her really quick?"

I ask, afraid she might say no. She looks at me and nods, reaching into her pocket and pulling out her keys, she grabs the only one a single hoop and hands it to me.

"Be carefull."

She says, I nod and grab the key, turning around and walking back down the hall. When I get to her door, I notice that the lights aren't on in her room. They forgot to turn on the lights for her. I sigh and look to my left, the switch for her lights was up, maybe her lights burned out? I place the key inside her door and unlock it, smiling to myself. As I slowly opened her door, her room was pitch black, until the light from the windows in the hall made it shine. I look inside and my eyes grow curious. The light cover from the ceiling was on the floor, and there was glass everywhere from the long pipe lights. I step in front of the door and look at Tegans bed, she was sitting with her back against the wall, her legs dangling from the bed, her arms laying on her thighs, thats when I saw it. I saw the big pieces of glass from the pipe lights laying on her legs, covered in blood, thats when I trailed my eyes up to her arms, the amount of blood making my eyes grow wide. The blood was mixed, some of it brown from drying up, some fresh from the new cuts.

I felt my heart stop, what was she doing! I slowly make my way into the room, the sound of me stepping on the glass filling the room. When I get to her, I stood there and looked at her arms, her head still hanging down. I lean down and look at her, her eyes were closed.

I reach down and take one of the glasses from her knee, bringing it up to my face, seeing the blood slowly drip down to the floor. Thats when it hit me, I had to help her, was she dead? I climb on the bed and shake her shoulders.

"Tegan!"

She suddenly jerks, her head lifting up, she turns to me and her eyes grow wide, her cheeks stained with tears.

"NOOOOO!"

She cries, placing her hands over her eyes, shielding her away from me. I shake my head and wrap my arms around her body, pulling her into me tight. She starst to squirm, her screams muffled by her mouth pressed to my skin. She tries to push me away, but I grip her tighter, rocking us back and forth.

"Shh Tegan,Its me."

I say, rocking her, feeling the blood from her arms sink into the materail on my chest. She starts to push me away, but I jolt her, leaning down, bringing my mouth to her ears.

"Its me Tegan . . . Its Sara."

As soon as I said my name, her arms broke free and they wrapped around my back, pulling me into her more. She starts to cry into my chest, and I can feel her tears running down my cleavage. What happened, why would she do this? Was she trying to kill herself, what the fuck happened!?

"Tegan what happened?"

I ask again in her ear, whispering. She just shook her head and kept crying. So I kept rocking her, letting her cling to me. I couldn't believe it, why would she want to hurt herself this way?Suddenly, I see someone step in front of her door, it was Holly. She looks at me and I look at her.

"Sara what happened, why is there glass everywhere?"

Tegan clings onto my more, clawing at my back, like shes trying to get away. I wrap my arms around her and she starst to scream.

"Noooo!"

She repeats. Holly walks in and I look at her, too busy with Tegan to explain, and I didn't even know what happened in the first place to say anything. Holly eyes us and I shake my head, leaning down and buring my head into her hair, closing my eyes. Images of Tegans arms, her bloody arms, the glass, the bloody glass filling my mind. I sigh and open my eyes. Holly sits down on the bed and places her hand on Tegans back, ready to pull her away.

"NOOO PLEASE!"

She screams out again, She buries her head into my chest more and through her sobs, she mumbles in my skin.

"Please don't let them hurt me again . . . "

She chokes on a sob and I look up at Holly, she removes her hand from Tegans back and looks at the ground.

"What happened Holly?"

I ask her sternly, why would Tegan say that, if something didn't happen. She looks at the ground and starts to shake her head, closing her eyes. She stand up and walks to the door, closing it, leaving us in the pitch black room. Tegan wiggles her way up, burying her head into my neck.

"Sara . . ."

She says small and light. I lean down, placing my cheek to hers, letting her know I was here. No matter who it is, when someone is hurt, or planning on hurting themselves, you do anything for them, you shouldn't want to see them leave.

"Don't leave me please."

She says low, her cries still present. I sigh and rub my cheek against hers, feeling her tears rub off on me. I bring one of my arms up to her head and gently stroke her hair back.

"I won't."

A couple minutes pass by, and we sit there, my body up against the wall, her body in my arms, our cheeks touching, she needed me, or at least someone to comfort her. Her cries are still there, but their dying down slowly. I notice that everytime I brush her hair back, she gives out a little sigh of relief, and it makes my smile lightly, knowing shes feeling okay.

"Tegan . . . why would you do this to yourself?"

I whisper to her, hoping she would answer me this time. I feel her head turn , then I feel her heavy breath on the side my my neck.

_**"I don't want to be here anymore . . ."**_

She says low, and it made my heart break, literally break. I felt a small tear forming in my eye as I remember Bryan.

_"B?"_

_I look into my brothers room, the moon giving me enough light to see his bed. The sheets were messed up, the pillow on the floor, he was gone. I sigh and turn around, closing his door. I look down the hall, he could be anywhere, but I had to find him. I slowly make my way down the hallway, making sure to walk gently, not to wake up my parents. They said for me to not check up on him anymore, but they were sound asleep, that they haven't checked on him for a while, thank god for me. I get to the stairs and walk down them, the pitch black living room making me shiver. I look around thr furniture, trying to see if his figure is in here, I sigh and turn around, walking to the kitchen. I turn on the light and my shoulders drop, I was starting to get worried. I walk through the kitchen and suddenly, I turn and look out the window above the kitchen sink that overlooks our backyard. Seeing my brothers form slumped over the wooden swing set my dad built us. I sigh in relief and walk to the backdoor, opening it slowly and feeling the cold fall air rush in. I shiver and step out, leaving the door open for when we come back inside. I walk down the couple of steps and make my way through the grass, my bare feet feeling the wet grass under my skin. I keep walking and look at my brother, his back faced to me. Usually he stays in the house, it was weird to see him outside. He starts to move his legs, lightly swinging back and forth. _

_"Bryan?"_

_He stops, and slowly turns his head around, looking at me. He drops his head, and I sigh, sitting down next to him on the other swing. I look down and he starst to sway. I look up at him and see him looking down at the floor, then I see his cheeks, stained with tears, one running slowly down the tip of his nose._

_"B, whats wrong?"_

_I ask him, he turns his head and looks at me._

_"Im sorry Sasa . . ."_

_Was all he said, he looks back down and starts to sway again._

_"Im sorry I need you to take care of me . . . Im sorry Im sick . . . Im sorry for it all."_

_He says, I get up from my swing and walk over to him. I grab the two ropes and stop his swaying. I get down on my knees and look up at him, his head still down. I shake my head and feel my tears start to form._

_"You don't have to be sorry B, its not your fault."_

_I place my hands on his knees and he shakes his head, a couple of tears falling from his nose._

_"I wanna leave."_

_He says, small and low. He lifts his head, as he looks at me, he reaches into his basketball shorts pocket and pulls something out. He looks at me and shakes his head. I look down and my eyes grow wide, then they start to tear up, the image of my dads pistol in his hands,making my tears break._

_"B . . ."_

_I whimper out, he chokes on a sob and looks at me._

_"I almost killed you Sara . . . I don't deserve to live anymore . . ."_

_He says, a small tear falling onto the gun, making me flinch. I bring my hands up to my neck, the indent of his finger still fresh from yesterday. He looks up and studies the perfect bruises outlined with his hands._

_He starts to bring it up to his forhead when I grab his wrists, pulling it away. _

_"B, NO! Don't!"_

_I cry out, feeling my body to weak to deal with hearts racing, my fingers are itching and my body its filled with nerves._

_He shakes his head and pulls away from me, using his other hand to push me down on the ground. I look up at him. He brings the gun back to his forhead and looks at me in the eyes._

_**"I don't want to be here anymore."**_

_His fingers graze the trigger, and I reach out, but close my eyes as I see him pull it back. I cry out and hear the sound of a click, making my heart jump. I open my eyes and see him, still there, alive, He pulls the trigger again and another click. I look at him and watch him as his body shakes, his hand slowly dropping back onto his lap. His fingers relax as the gun starts to slowly slide off his lap and land to the floor. My bodys shaking, my hearts out of my chest._

_I stand up and wrap my arms around him, pulling us down to the floor. I lay down on my back and pull him into my chest, silently crying and looking up at the sky.I feel him sobbing, his back moving with each sob, making me shiver. I was so close to losing my brother, I could have watched him leave me, I could have lost him. _

_I rub his back and feel his arms wrap around my back, pulling me into him. I lean down and place a small kiss on his head, feeling more tears leave my eyes. _

_"Im sorry."_

_He whispers, and snuggles his face into my neck. I feel my body relax after a while. His breathing grows steady and I feel each exhale hit my neck. I keep my eyes on the sky, what was there to think, I could have lost my best friend, I could have lost a peice of me. _

_I look down and see his eyes closed, his mouth slightly open, sleeping peacefully. I place another kiss on his forhead and look back up at the sky, feeling the cold air hit my body, I was freezing, but if I woke him up, he would have a fit, I know it, I know him already. I turn my head to the side and look at the gun, how it just sits there. It could have killed him, it could have killed me. I reach out and grab it, feeling the heavyness in my palm. I bring my hand up from his back and grip it with two hands, avoiding the trigger. I close my eyes for a second, feeling the cold hit me. I open them again and take a deep breath, I gulp and reach for the wheel, pushing it out, and my eyes grow wide. 3 bullets, that was all, out of 5 slots, their were three bullets in it, if he would have pulled the trigger one more time, he would have been gone. I feel my body shake and I dump the bullets into my hand, feeling them on my palm. I set the gun down and look at the bullets. Bryans face in each one, shining his bright smile when he was happy, I toss them to the side, and wrap my arms around him again._

_"I never want to lose you."_

I feel one of her hands leave my back, bringing it up to my chest. I feel a finger gaze against my collar bones, lightly tracing them. I close my eyes, more darkness filling me. I feel a small tear run down my cheek. She reminded me of him in so many ways, he needed me, and now she needs me.

I open my eyes and stop pushing her hair back. I lift my hand from her head and slowly bring it down to hers. I feel her fingers stop and I move my hand under hers, our palms touching. I always did this with Bryan, and it had a calming affect to him. I gently push our hands together and place my fingers inbetween her spaces, feeling her hand shake in mines. I close my fingers down, locking me to her, I was just waiting for her to so the same. I feel her fingers curl down and land inbetween my spaces, making me smile.

"I'm right here, I got you."

I whisper. Suddenly, I hear the sound of the door lock being fiddled with. I bring our hands down to my stomach, her body hididng them perfectly. The door opens and the ray of lights make my eyes close. I hear someone walk over the glass, stepping on it, then I feel the matress sink. I slowly open my eyes and look, it was Holly. She looked like she was crying. I sigh and look at her, she looks at me, then to Tegans shaking body.

"Im sorry . . . ."

Was all she said, I look at her, and she looks at me. I see someone at the door and look up, it was Cathy. She looks at me and eyes me.

"Whats wrong with her?"

She asks, the sound of annoyance in her voice. Tegans grip on my hand gets harder, making me listen to her.

"Please . . . don't let her touch me Sara."

She says, her voice muffled by her mouth against my skin. I squeeze her hand and sigh, nodding my head.

"I won't."


	5. What Hurts The Most (Part 2)

Authors Note: Guys, here it is, the second part of Chapter 4. If some of you find it boring, Im sorry. **One thing I wanted to say though**, In the last Chapter, the first Part, I got one of the most Heartbreaking Reviews, in my life. To the person who commented about how they felt what Tegan felt, they felt her pain, her despair, I want you to know, that I dedicate this Entire Chapter, to YOU. I literally felt my heart break when I read your comment, and during the whole time I wrote this, I thought of you. Im sorry that you had to harm yourself, and I hope now, that you are finally at peace with it all. Im sorry if this Chapter doesn't take to your liking, but either way, Its still for you, to let you know, that there is always someone out there, that will care for you. With that said, I present you with the second Part. Please REVIEW & ENJOY.

Chapter 4: What Hurts The Most (Part 2)

Tegan POV:

"I won't."

Never, in the 6 years that I've been here, have I thought about taking my life, until today. When I woke up in my bed, my face staring straight up at the ceiling, my body was numb, and my head felt fried, I was tired of it. I get shocks everytime I do something wrong, I always get sent to them, but this time, Cathy didn't care. She turned up the bolts, giving me more shocks then usual. Through it all, I could see her face, through my eye lids fluttering, my mind frying, my body convulsing, I could see the small sly smile on her lips, and it scared me, I thought she wasn't going to stop.

I watched the light on my ceiling for a while after I woke up, I watched as it fluttered, almost dying out, just like me. Thats when it hit me, I couldn't take it anymore, have you ever felt in a moment, that everything you are, everything you have become, and everything you once were, was all gone? With every flutter that light did, I felt everything come back to me, and it made my break. I didn't want to be here anymore, I had no one, I have no one, I will never have someone. When I took off the light cover, and saw the pipe light, my hands just twitched, and I grabbed it, I pulled it out and it fell to the floor. Of course the nurses didn't care, or even bother to check what that was, and that made it all worse. The light under my door guided me to the glass on the floor, I didn't care that it pricked my feet, I didn't care that glass was sticking out of my skin, I just needed to feel, I needed to feel my blood run down my skin, sink into the sheets of the bed, the bed thats kept me here for years, I needed to feel my blood leave my body, I just needed to feel the pain . When I picked up the glass, the shiny glass, I wanted to stain it, I brang it to my arm and just watched. I watched as my skin slowly tore open, I watched as it made my arm tremble. I never understood why people did it, I never understood why taking a knife, a razor, and peice of glass to their arms could make them feel better, but I know now. If you study your hand, and watch as it guides the object to your skin, watch as it drags against it, digging into it, in those moments, you mind is completely blank, your at peace with yourself for once. You have control over yourself, you can feel your muscles relaxing. After I cut my skin, not bothering to count how many I gave myself, I felt my body starting to grow weak, my eyes just went black, and it was then, it was then that I smiled for the first time, big, as I thought to myself, The suffering was gone, _I _was gone.

I feel her thumb circle the back of my hand, lightly grazing my skin. Her hot palm under mines, my fingers clenching to hers tight, trying to make sure she would never leave me. I don't know how I could feel so safe with her, how she was so warm and so inviting, it made me relax.

I bury my head deeper into her chest, feeling her chest plate under my forhead, I take in a deep breath, inhaling her natural scent, making my body ease. I bring our linked hands up and bury them into my neck, letting her feel my pulse slowly thump againt her skin, letting her know that I felt a certain comfort with her.

"Cathy, I can handle her."

Sara says, I close my eyes and pray that Cathy wouldn't touch me, that she wouldn't tear me away from her, from Saras warm arms, from her hand, from her comfort.

"Do you need a sedater?"

I heard the annoyance in Cathy's voice, but the sound of the sedater made me whimper, it made my cry a little, I didn't want it, I was doing nothing wrong. I felt Saras hand squeeze mines, and then I hear her voice.

"No, shes not doing anything wrong, just please let me handle this."

I felt my body shake, the fear fading away from my bones and sinking out of my skin out into the air, only to be evaporated by my heavy breathing. I dig my nails into her back, feeling like I could be torn from her at any moment. The sound of footsteps, leaving us calmed me. I felt a wave of mist on my cheek, I open my eyes and slowly turn my head and look up at Sara, her eyes peircing into mines, letting me see the small tear in her eye.

"I'm sorry."

Was all she said, as she laid her cheek down on mines again, feeling my body shiver, I rubbed my cheek against hers, feeling more safeness bubble me. In that moment, the stinging from my arms went away, and my heart started to pump at a steady pace. The sound of her breathing made my eyes lids slowly drop. The sound of her faint heartbeat, thumping out of her chest, made me drift off.

Sara POV:

I felt her breathing grow steady, and her chest slowly rising and falling against mines. I wish I new what happened, I wish I new what they did to her, to make her try and kill herself. The look in Holly's eyes said something to me though, the way Tegan whimpered when Holly touched her back, something onbviously happened, and I wanted to know.

I slowly lift my cheek up from hers, feeling the little wet stains on my skin. I look at her face, her shaggy hair stuck to it, the stains on her cheek, the way her eyes were shut so peacefully, It made me hurt. How could anyone want to hurt her, how could anyone want to see her hurt? But then I rememberd, not everyone was nice, and not everyone was mean, there was an equal amount of people on this earth who cared and didn't.

I bring my free hand up, and push back all the hair from her face, giving me a perfect clear view of her side profile, her perfect strong jawline, her small button nose,it made me feel at ease, knowing that she was sleeping so well. I lean down and place a small light kiss on her cheek. I lift my head back up and look at the door, then to the ground, all the broken glass, all the mess.

I hear small footsteps outside in the hallway, I bring my eyes up and see Holly, standing in front of the door, looking at the mess. She brings her eyes up and I see the small crystals in them, it was no puzzle anymore, she was crying. She slowly walks in the room, trying her best not to step on the broken glass, but the small kinks under her feet fail. She gets to the bed and sits down on the edge, looking at Tegans figure. She turns her head to face foward and drops it down. She brings her hands to her lap, lightly fiddling with her thumbs.

"I. . ."

I look at her, the sun shinng on the floor making it impossible to see her face anymore, but through her dark shadow profile, I saw the tear fall from her chin down onto her hand. I felt Tegan start to move, I look down and she still has her eyes closed. I hold onto her tighter, lightly squeezing her hand. Holly turns her head and looks at me, her face is still dark, but I can easily make out the outlines in her face.

"Im sorry. . ."

I felt Tegans grip on my hand start to tighten, I ignored it. But then, it was harder, and her head started to shake a little. I detach my hand from her back and bring it to her forhead, she was warm. Her head continued to shake, then it started to slowly move down to her body. Was she having a bad dream? I bring my hand down and cup her jaw, I felt it clench in my palm, then the sound of her teeth grinding against eachother made my heart start to pump a little faster.

"Shes having a nightmare, she has them all the time. . ."

Holly says. I look at her and shes looking down at Tegan. She had these all the time? I look back down to Tegan, her lips were trembling now, suddenly, she brings her left arm up to her arm, thats connected to me, and grabs it, her face scrunching up. It couldn't have been a nightmare, it had to have felt real.

"Tegan."

I whisper, she continues her actions, now squeezing her arm, the blood starting to slowly seep from the cuts.

"Tegan . . ."

Tegan POV:

_I felt the condom fill inside me, the his body collapse on mines. I slowly open my eyes and feel his hot breath on my neck, the smell of cigarettes and cheap booze making its way to my nose. I close my eyes again, turning my head to the side. I felt him shift, then I felt him slide out of me. I wince at the pain, and open my eyes. The bed starts to shake and I turn my head, looking at him, he was on his knees, at the edge of the bed, stroking himself to the image of me laying in the bed, naked. _

_Mike always did this after he got his way with me, he would sit there and touch himself, just watching me lay there. I didn't want to see him, I already saw him enough, he came in 3 times this week, usually he only comes in once a week. His wife left him, they were getting a divorce because she found a pair of panties in there bedroom, they were mine. I forgot them at his house and when he brang them to me, he payed Jay to have me for 4 hours. In those four hours, he beat me, choked me, and yelled at me, calling me names, then got his way with me. I thought he would have left, and never come back, but here he was. _

_I turn my head and close my eyes, praying for him to just leave already. But when I felt the matress moving, his body crawling over mines, I started to silently cry._

_"Look at me you fucking bitch!"_

_He grabs my hair and pulls my face up, I open my eyes and look at him, feeling my scalp burn from his hands. He shakes his hand, and my head shakes with it. He pushes my head down and makes me stare at his cock, I close my eyes and he throws my head back down on the bed. I instantly curl up into a small ball, trying to protect myself, turning my head away from him._

_"Oh fuck!"_

_I hear him moan out, I bring my hands over my ears, blocking out the sound of his voice. The bed shakes, and the headboard rocks, making me feel his strokes, without touching him, or looking at him. _

_Suddenly, He grabs my arm and turns me over on my back. I look at him as he hovers his face over mines, his hands still body starts to shake and he licks his lips._

_"I fucking love your tight pussy."_

_He says through his teeth, I keep my eyes on him, feeling them water. I hated him, I could handle the rest of the guys, but not Mike, not the way he handled me, how he always bit me hard, how he always made gashes on my body with his ringed fingers, I hated him._

_I see his eyes start to roll into the back of his head, and his body starts to shake. I've seen that face so many times, that I already know whats __**Cumming **__next. Suddenly, I feel his cum land on my stomach, making me feel dirty, making me feel ashamed. I close my eyes as his body again, collapses on mines. I turn my head away again and bring my hand over my eyes, shielding me from him, hiding me away from everything. As I layed there, his body on mines, I couldn't help but sliently cry into my hands,I just wanted to sleep, under my sheets, with no one touching me, no one slipping in out of no where, I wanted to sleep peacefull for once, like I used to when I was a kid, __**smile into the sheets**__, but that was impossible._

_He starts to peel his sweaty body off mines, and I keep my hands over my eyes, I stop the tears though. The matress creeks as he stand up on his feet, I can hear his footsteps shuffling around my room. The sound of his pants being straightened out, his belt buckle rattling. His zipper makes a sound, the the sound of his shoes being tied up fills the room. I wait a couple of seconds, staying still. Suddenly, I feel his cracked, hard, demanding lips push down on mines. I whimper out and he pulls away._

_"See you next week Tegan."_

_The door opens, then slams shut. I choke on a sob and bring my other hand to my face, covering me away from everything again. I start to breakdown, I hated the feeling Mike always left me with, the feeling of being the most dirtiest person in the world. As my tears streamed, I couldn't help but see my mom and dad, their smiling faces, I missed them, but hated them for leaving me. What would I be doing right now if I was still with them, if they never left me? _

_I turn around in my bed and pull the sheets over my body,not caring about the stuff on my stomach, or the sweat covering my body, I just wanted to sleep. I slowly close my eyes, letting them fall, and let my tears put me to sleep._

_The sound of loud music wakes me, making me flutter my eyes open, the heavy hip-hop banging the walls.I look down at my body, covered in sheets. I sigh and slowly sit up, feeling my area sore and my body weak. I pull the covers off my body and stand up off the bed. My knees wobble for a second, then stand up strong. I walk to my dresser and pull out some jeans and a shirt, lazily throwing them on and pulling my hair back into a pony tail. As the music started to change, I heard the sound of people in the house. Jay was either having a small kick back, or people were just over. I walk over to the door and open it, stepping out of my room. The low dimmed lights letting me see everyone. I knew most of them, I new actually all of them. I look towards the door and see Nena and Jay, kissing eachother. I walk through the small crowd and make my way to them. Nena see's me first, her head on his shoulder while Jay kisses her neck._

_"Tegan!"_

_She shouts, I smile weakly and walk my aching body over to them. Jay turns around and looks at me, smiling. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a roll of cash._

_"Heres your cut."_

_He hands me the roll and I take it, taking off the rubberband and counting it slowly, making sure Im not seeing things._

_"$500?"_

_I ask in disbelief. He nods and turns his attention back to Nenas neck. She moans and I place the money in my back pocket. I turn around and look at the people at the small table in the back of the room. I knew exactly what to spend a little bit of my money on. I head towards the table in the back, when I get there, I see Tony, He Jays friend, he was his hook up too. I place my hand on his shoulder and he looks up at me, smiling._

_"Tegan."_

_I smile and look around the table, the regular guys sitting down, rubber strings tied around their arms, spoons all over the table, some even had tinfoil. I look down at him and smile big, reaching out and pulling out the roll of money. He smir ks and looks to the guy sitting next to him._

_"Let her sit down man!"_

_He tells the guy, the guy gets up and walks away. I sit down and face him, he smiles at me and grabs my hand, placing it on the table. I turn away and look around the room, hearing the music. He loves __**Living Legends,**__ and __**Never Falling Down **__was his favorite song, He said it was a song that hit him in the heart._

_I felt the rubber strip wrap around my arm, the strong hands making sure it was tight. As if it was a routine, I start to clench my fist, my arm already stopping the circulation, the numbness taking over. I kept clenching until I felt a hand grab my arm, I feel Tony's heavy breathing on my arm. I close my eyes and prepare myself. I hated the needle, but the high was worth it, especially now that Mika was comming 3 times a week, he left me in pain, this took it felt good, thats why I did it. _

_"Alright."_

_I hear Tony's voice, and I nod, keeping my eyes closed. I feel the cold needle tap my skin, lightly laying down on it, then he pushes it in, the heat surging through my blood._

"Tegan . . ."

I open my eyes, the feeling of heat rushing through my arm making me panick. I start to shake as I look down to my arm, my hand grasping it lips tremble, the pain of my cuts starting to open up again . . . the drug . . . it felt real.

"Tegan?"

I jump at the sound of my name, I slowly look up and see Sara, her eyes on mines. I look into them, feeling the comfort surround me again, thats when I felt the most scared though.

"Sa- Sara."

I felt the tears starting to form in my eyes, stinging the inside of my eye lids. I felt her hand move from my cheek to the back of my head, tangling her hands in my hair, pushing me into her more.

"Shh, Tegan Im right here."

She said, I shake my head and let the tears fall on her chest. Why did that feel real, why did I feel like I was reliving that memory, was I? My arms start to sting and it makes me cry harder, the pain of failing coursing through my body.

"Holly, can you grab me the First Aid Kit please?"

I hear her soft voice, and it had a sudden calming effect on me, making my cries start to slowly die down. The matress dips and I will myself not to turn around. Holly was in the room with me, while Cathy turned up the bolts on the equipment, she felt my hand on hers when I asked her, pleaded her, begged her to stop, begged her to take my back to my room, she just looked away from it all, she blocked me out.

"I want to clean your cuts . . . Tegan?"

I rub my cheek into her chest and get lost in it. She was so soft, like a new blanket, the warm feeling, the feeling of being wrapped around in it, it made my heart slow down. I slowly nod my head into her chest and move my head up again, feeling her grip on my hand tighten again. I bury my head into her neck and feel her cheek lay on my ear.

"Thank you . . . "

I whisper, my tears were gone, and my fear slowly drifted away once her cheek hit my body, I was safe, completely safe, nothing could touch me in that moment, except for her. Her fingers start to dance across my scalp, and it makes my eyes close.

"Better?"

I hear her whisper, her fingers still running through my hair. I nod slowly into her neck, and sigh. The sound of footsteps pulls me, I know its Holly, I usually get scared when they come back in the room, but with Saras hold, like I said, nothing could touch me, not even my past.

"Just set it down on the bed, and close the door."

I focus on her heat that she brings me, the way it makes me relax, making me as calm as ever. The door clicks, and I feel my arms start to sting again, only this time, they make me jolt. I slowly pull away from her neck and look up at her, she was looking right at me, smiling. It made my heart shutter for a quick second, then pump normally again.

"Lets get you fixed up, come on."

She smiles and starts to sit me up, avoiding my arms. She sits me back against the wall and smiles at me, I look down to my arms and feel my eyes roll. The blood, there was so much of it, dried and fresh. I look at Sara and down to her shirt, the little patches of blood on her white shirt, I couldn't keep my eyes off them.

"I could wash it out, its fine."

I look up at her and start to get confused, until she points to a small spot of blood on her shirt, I look up at her and she nods.

"Baking soda and gain."

She chuckles, I want to smile, I want to laugh, but Im to weak for it all. She crawls to the foot of my bed and grabs the First Aid Kit, she holds it in her hands and looks down at me. She smiles and grabs my legs, spreading them apart. I look at her and she sits down between them, her legs crossed. She sets the kit down on her lap and starts to open it. I keep my eyes on hers, watching her as she scans all the contents in the box. She purses her lips and searches for the items she needs, picking them. She lifts her head up and her bangs fall out from behind her ear and into her face. Through them, I can see her eyes blinking, as she looks at me. She starts to smile and reaches up with her had, putting her bangs back behind her ear. My heart stopps for a quick second, making my eyes linger on hers for a moment.

"Can I . . . see your arm please?"

My heart starts to pump again and I blink, her eyes still on mines. I look back down and look at my forearms. Without saying a yes or no, I extend my arms out and look at her. Her smile weakens and she looks down at my arms. I keep my eyes on her hands, as they slowly grab my fingers, pulling them down to her lap, laying them gently down on her thigh. She looks at the open scars on my arm, trailing her eyes up and down my forearm, She slowly looks up at me and our eyes lock.

"Do they . . . hurt?"

She asks, her face went from happy to depressed in seconds. I feel my eyes start to water again as she slowly blinks.

"Yea . . ."

She gulps and looks down, she brings her hand up from my fingers and hovers over the middle of my forearm. She starts to hesitate, her arm and hand shaking, she wanted to feel them, and I wanted to feel her, feel them. She takes a deep breath and stays still, her hand still floating above mines. I lift my other hand up and grab hers gently, slowly lowering her hand down on my skin. When her finger tips come in contact with the ripples of my skin, she looks up at me. I look at her and slowly nod, letting her know it was okay to feel them, that I trusted her.

She stood there for a moment, letting her mind sink in what she was actually doing. It didn't hurt as I thought it would, I thought it would sting, I thought it would burn when her flesh came in contact with my open wounds, but I actually felt, better?

"I don't want to hurt you . . ."

She says, slowly starting to move her fingertips up my forearm. I can feel the skin curling under her touch, but I liked the way it felt. Her fingers were warm, they were soft.

"You won't . . ."

I reply back, my voice sounds strange. Its low, husky, and cold, but It was gone from my screams. She lets out a deep breath and I feel it hit my arm. She finally stops her fingers from moving and looks down to the kit in her lap. She uses her other hand and picks up a small pack. She lets go of me with her other hand and opens it, pulling out the small wet alcohol towelet. She looks at me and I nod, she doesn't say anything, she just lays it down on my skin gently. I feel the light stinging and I close my eyes, taking my bottom lip into my mouth and biting it down hard. The material starts to move and the stinging stays, after minutes, I finally feel the towelet leave my arm. I open my eyes and feel the little tears I was fighting back, fall. I look down and see my pale flesh, the puffy gashes showing perfectly, but the bleeding was gone. I look at Sara and notice her eyes fixed still on my arms, only this time, they weren't on my cuts, but at the bending part of my arm. I look at the track marks I have, they never did fade, it was something you keep, they were your memories of everything you did, and what you did for it.

She looks at me again and this time, I didn't want her to touch that part of me, I wasn't ready to open up to her about my past. If she were to judge me, I feel like I wouldn't be able to take it.

"Its okay . . . I won't ask."

She whispers, I look down at the track marks and feel my body shake in relief. She looks down and grabs a gauze wrap, she unrolls it, and gently places the edge on my wrist. Without another word, she wraps up my arm. She cleans my other arm too, the same stinging, the same pain, the same look. But she didn't question my track marks on that arm either, and I just wanted to thank her for it. Any other person would have shook their heads, telling me Im a addict, or that Im not good, but she didn't say anything.

She brings both of my arms in front of her face and looks up at me. I look down, the white gauze covering up my whole arm, it made me feel a little better knowing that I didn't have to look at my failure. I look back up at her and she smiles, leaning down and placing a small kiss on each arm, I swear, I could feel her lips touch my skin through the gauze. I watched her as she placed eveything back inside the box and closed it up, setting it down on the edge of the bed. She climbs off the bed and grabs the box, walking to the door. I wanted to ask her where she was going, or if she was leaving because I denied her a peice of me that I wasn't even ready to fully embrace? But when the door opened, and she closed it, I felt my body just spasm.

I bring my kness to my chest and drop my head onto them, wrapping my arms around my body. I pushed away everybody, I pushed everyone away by denying them of me, even though in reality, no one ever tried, was that even possible? I felt my breathing start to become heavy as I felt the fear crash down on me again, I was alone, I was alone in my room, with my blood on my sheets, with my thoughts, with my mind, I was alone. I felt my lungs close as the panick washed over me, no one cared, no one bothered with me.

I bring my hands to my ears and cover them, wanting to hear my heart beating in my chest, listening to it speed up as the panick sets in. My eyes close and I shake my head, I should have cut deeper. Suddenly I feel arms wrap around my body again, pulling me into a familiar position, the safeness consumed me and I felt my lungs open, letting me take in a full breath. I bring my hands to her chest, feeling the material in my hands, billing it up into my fist, I needed her, but why _her_?

"Okay, Okay, Im here, Im not going anywhere, Im here."

Her words calmed me, as my body melted in her arms, I felt her hand on my cheek again. My body stopped shaking and my head relaxed into her chest again. How did she do that, just one touch?

"Hey, look at me, come on . . . look at me."

I hear her whisper, I turn my head and look at her. She shakes her head and drags her hand across my cheek up to my forhead, pushing my hair out of my face, running her fingers through my locks.

"Im here, Im right here Tegan."

Sara POV:

I look into her eyes and she searches my face, looking at every peice of my skin on my face. Her lips were still trembling, but her body was at ease, how did I do that? It amazed me how I had that effect on her too, Bryan was always the same way, just the touch of my hand calmed him, but it never worked all the time.

"Im still here."

She nods her head and keeps her eyes on mines. I smile and keep pushing the hair away from her face. If only I knew what just came over her, I could be able to help her, I could try my best to fix everything, but I didn't.

"Hey, I got you some clean sheets."

I whisper, she doesn't say anything, she just nods her head and I smile. She starts to sit up and I wait till her body is fully off mines, when it is, I climb off the bed and walk over to the door. I dropped everything on the floor once I came inside and seen her. I pick up all the stuff, the sheets, new pillow, the lunch bag and her new set of clothes and place them all on the bed. She stands against the wall as I strip her old sheets off her little memory foam matress. I grab the new sheets and put them on. I toss her old sheets and old pillow to the door and grab the new pillow, fluffing it up and placing it on the bed. I grab the new set of clothes and turn around to her. Shes still against the wall, her head down, looking at her feet.

"Do you wanna change out of the clothes, they're dirty?"

I ask her calmy. She looks up at me and nods, I smile and place the set of pants on the bed. I unfold the shirt and toss it on my shoulder. She looks at me and I look at her. She reaches down slowly and grabs the hem of her shirt, pulling it up and over her head. She drops it to the floor and closes her eyes. I saw her body inside the shower, never this up close, I didn't see the small scars she had, the big ones yes, the small little ones, no. They were everywhere, small and in random places. She keeps her eyes close and I sigh, grabbing the shirt from my shoulders and placing her head through the hole. She opens her eyes and puts her arms through the holes gently. It falls over her stomach and I turn around, grabbing her pants and unfolding those too. I hand them to her and she looks down. I gather up all the dirty sheets and dirty clothes, while she changes into them. By the time I have everything gathered up, I turn around and she's sitting on the edge of the bed. I kneel down to her and look up at her face hanging down.

"Hey, I'm gonna take these to the laundry room, do you want to eat your food?"

I ask her, she looks at me and shakes her head softly.

"Lunch is over . . ."

I shake my head and reach my hand out, grabbing the brown paper bag from the edge of the bed and placing it on her lap.

"I promised you a sandwhich, remember?"

Her eyes go to the bag and she lifts her hands up, grabbing the brown bag and unraveling the folds. I watch her as she dips her hands into the bag and pulls out the food, then the apple juice. She unwraps the sandwhich and takes a bite, a big bite. Poor thing, she hasn't eaten today, or yesterday too probably. She chews the food, keeping her head down. I smile and stand up, walking over to the door and pushing it open.

"Are you gonna come back?"

I hear her soft voice, I smile and turn my head to look at her. She wasn't chewing, she was staring at me, waiting for me to answer her question.

"Yea, Im comming back."

She looks down and takes another bite from her sandwhich, I smile and step out of her room, closing the door almost all the way and leaving it open a crack. I turn around and start walk down the hall, it was so empty already, where did all the visitors go? When I get to the lounge, I look at the nurses desk and see Holly and Mindy sitting at the computers. I make my way over to them and lean on the counter.

"Wheres all the visitors?"

I ask them, they both look up at me and Mindy eyes me.

"They left a long time ago?"

Didn't they just get here? I look at them and they start to laugh, pointing at the clock. I lift my head up and my eyes grow wide at the time, it was 4:30 already? How?

"Oh my god, time flew by!"

They both chuckle and Mindy stands up, reaching over the counter and grabbing all the stuff from my hands. I thank her and look at Holly.

"Do you think you could send someone to change her light? or put her in another room?"

She looks at me and nods, she picks up the desk phone and starts to dial a number.

"Mindy, wheres a broom and dustpan, I have to clean up all the glass."

"I'll take it to you, let me take these to the back for you."

I nod my head and turn back around, taking small steps back to Tegans room. I get to her door and walk in slowly. I set my eyes on her, she was sitting in the corner of her bed against the wall. Her legs back up to her chest again. I smile as I see the bag in a ball on the sheets.

"Finished?"

She nods and I smile, standing at the door still. I feel a tap on my shoulder and I see Tegan tense up. I turn around and see Mindy. She hands me the broom and dustpan, I nod my head and she walks away. I turn back around and Tegan now had her head down in her knees. I start to sweep up the broken glass and brush it into a pile. When ever the glass slides against the hard floor, I can see Tegan twitch a little, and I can see her arms flinch. I quickly sweep it up into the dustpan. I place them outside of the door and step back into the room. I make my way to the bed and sit down on the edge. She lifts her head up from her knees and looks at me, god she was helpless.

My eyes close and I remember Bryans face, just like hers. His eyes filled with pain, his body so weak, I always knew how to help him. She needs it now. I slowly lay down on the bed, my head resting on her pillow. She looks at me and I smile, lifting my arm up and patting the space right under my arm. She eyes me, then my hand, I start to think that maybe her and Bryan liked to be helped differently. I start to sit up, when I see her body start to move. I stay propped on my elbows, watching her as she slowly crawls down and situates herself right next to me. She turns her body to the side, and I feel her stomach touch my hip. She hesitates for a second, then slowly lays her head down on my chest. I look down to her, seeing only her hair and smile. Maybe they were more alike then ever. I lay back down on the bed and place one hand on her back, the other on her head, lightly running my fingers through her hair.

After a while, I felt her breathing grow steady, I felt her chest rise and fall without any heavyness, and I knew she was alseep. She starts to shift and I feel her arm lay across my stomach, giving me a clear view of her wrapped up arm. I look at it, and slowly trail my eyes up to the part that bends, the track marks showing now, the blood once covering them was gone. Track Marks, those were usually seen on addicts, on "Tweakers". But why do I feel like theres more behind it, like theres something , or some reason to them. I look down to the top of her head Why anyone would ignore her cry for helps, I would never know.

The sound of footsteps pull me away from it all, as they get louder, the sound of heavy boots hitting the ground. I look at the open door and see Ted, the guy from the cafeteria? In his hands, he has a box, and in the other, he has a walks in the room and looks at me, he eyes the situation im in and I look at him, smiling awkwardly.

"Umm . . . should I come back another time?"

I shake my head and he shrugs.

"Do you mind helping me really quickly?"

He asks, gesturing to the box. I look down at Tegan, then to him.

"Do you have the time?"

He nods and looks down to his watch.

"Its 5 till 6."

I nod and slowly prop up one elbow, looking at him.

"Can you help me with her really quick?"

He nods and sets the ladder and box against the wall. He leans down and looks at me.

"What do you need me to do?"

I look down and sigh, I hated to leave her, especially since she was sleeping so good, but it was almost time for me to clock out, and I needed to help Ted with the lights.

"Just . . . lift her head and arm."

He nods and snakes his hand under Tegans head, he starts to move to her arm when I stop him.

"Be careful, she has cuts."

He nods and gently lifts her arm, I wiggle my way out and stand up. I grab the pillow from where my head was just resting and place it under her head and arm, making it take the place of my body. She snuggles into the pillow and I smile. I turn and Ted stands up, smiling.

"Sara right?"

I nod and eye him.

"Ted right?"

"Right."

He chuckles and I nod. He walks over to the wall and grabs the ladder, unfolding it and setting it up under the light. He quietly climbs on the little steps and turns around looking down at me.

"In the box, is a new Light cover and a set of lights, can you hand me the lights first."

I nod my head and grab the box, opening it quietly. I look inside and see the light cover and two pipe lights. I grab one of the lights and pull it put of the box. I rest the box back against the wall and hand it to him. He turns around and starts to set in the new light. I go back to the box and take out the remaining items, holding them in my hands. He reaches for the second light and I hand it to him. I look over to the bed and check on Tegan, still in the same position. Ted turns around and I hand him the light cover. He puts in in place and starts to walk back down. He gets to the floor and folds the ladder back up, grabs the box and looks at me.

"How long have you been here?"

He asks, I chuckle and eye him.

"All day, but I clock out right now."

He nods and I smile at him. He smiles back and walks to the door.

"Well, I guess I'll see you later Sara."

He says, walking out of the door. I chuckle and look around the room. I sigh and walk over to Tegan, I sit on the edge of the bed and look at her face, I can never get tired of her face, for some reason, It calms me.

I bring my hand up and push the bangs away from her face. I hear her sigh and I smile, bringing my hand down to her gauzed arm and lightly graze it.

"GoodNight Tegan . . . See you tomorrow."

I stand up from her bed and turn around, walking to her door. I step into the hall and grab the outside handle, starting to close her door. Before its fully closed, I peek my eyes back in for a quick second, burning one last image of her, laying perfectly still, so peacefull, into my mind. With that done, I sigh and close her door, hearing the lock click.


	6. Chapter 6

Authors Note: Sorry for taking so long to update, but Im back. First off, I want to say Merry Christmas, and that you will be seeing some holiday spirit in this fic, just a couple more Chapters till we get there. Now, the second thing is that, this Chapter is pretty boring, but I needed to write it that way, tomorrow might be the same and just as short as this, but I hope that this gives you an idea of whats going to happen in the next few Chapters (; Anyways, please REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW & ENJOY :D

Chapter 6: The Key To The Girl.

Sara POV:

I open the door and step in, closing it behind me. I turn back around and smile, looking at the two familiar officers. They smile at me and I smile at them, walking over to the Metal detector.

"Hi Sara."

I turn to Officer Brown and smile.

"Hi."

I set my keys and lunchbag into the small gray tray, pushing it off into the machine. I step through the Metal detector and nothing beeps, I turn around and wait for my things.

"Sara, I have your key."

I turn around and see Officer Brown, fishing through his pocket. I watch him, after a couple of seconds, he smiles and pulls it out of his pocket, extending it to me. I smile and grab it from him, looking at the small gold key.

"Thank you, Now you don't have to open the gate for me anymore."

I laugh and he nods, starting to giggle. I grab my things from the tray and walk over to the gate. I smile as I put the key inside the lock, I finally had a key to the ward. When the lock clicks, I slightly giggle, feeling a wave of excitement crash down on me, it was such a good moment, like the Manager handing you the Keys to _your _apartment, it was a happy moment. I open the door and step through, turning around and closing it, hearing the lock click on it's own. I look up and smile at the Officers, sending them a little wave, then turning back around and walking down the hall.

Last night, it took me 2 hours to get to sleep. I couldn't get the image of Tegans arms out of my mind, everytime I closed my eyes, they were there. I sat in my bed, just thinking about it, about her, about everything. Something about her, **draws **me in, it invites me to her. Like her Track Marks, I know what they are, how you get them, I know it all, but I still feel like she's got a past. When I saw them, I wanted to ask her, Oh god did I, but I knew she was uncomfortable with it, so I didn't. I want Tegan to trust me, because its obvious that she needs me, and in a weird way, I think . . . I need her -.

I round the corner and see the Hall, filled with patients, some sitting on the floor next to their rooms, some just walking around. I turn my head to the side and look at the only closed door in the Hall, Tegans door. Why was she the only one with her door closed? I look down the hall, checking to see if she was walking around, but she isn't. I turn my attention back to the door, slowly walking up to it. I get on my tip-toes and look into her lit room, her **Empty **lit room. Where was she? I sigh and turn on my heels, walking down the hall. I smile at the other patients, watching them interact with eachother. When I get to the end of the hall, I turn my head to the nurses desk, only Holly and Mindy sitting down. I make my way to the desk and lean onto the counter, placing my bag on the counter too.

"Hey."

Holly says, without even looking at me. I smile and reach down, grabbing a sharpie and bringing it to my paper bag.

"Hey, where is everybody?"

I finish writing my name and Holly looks up, grabbing my bag from the counter and placing it inside the fridge for me.

"Well, Cathy's out, training two new girls, and the rest of the nurses are on a smoke break on the Belcony."

I nod my head and look down to my hand, resting on the counter. I start to fiddle with my thumbs, moving them around nervously.

"So . . . where's Tegan?"

Holly stops, and looks up at me.

"She's with , He wanted to check up on her, you know after . . . Yesterday."

I nod my head and she drops hers again. I still never exactly found of what happened, I just know it has to do with Holly and Cathy. And the way Holly looked when she said _Check up on her_, she looked Guilty, but of what?

"So, what are you ladies going to do for your vacation?"

Mindy stops typing on her computer, and turns to us in her chair, a big smile planted on her face. I look at her and she smiles even bigger, looking back and forth between Holly and I.

"Well, Mat wants to go to his parents house, but I just want to stay home you know? Its Christmas, I want to relax, in my pajamas, in my house, with my Fire Place."

Holly laughs and so does Mindy. I look at them and start to giggle too.

"And you Sara?"

I look at Mindy and eye her, Im going on Vacation?

"Uhhh, I wasn't Aware of a Vacation?"

Mindy giggles and leans back in her chair.

"Yea, we all go on Vacation, all the staff."

What?

"Well what about the patients?"

I ask, Mindy smiles and reaches out to the desk, grabbing her coffee cup and taking a sip.

"They go with their families for the weekend."

My eyes grow wide and I look at Holly. She nods her head and I scoff.

"But thats unsafe? What happens if something . . . Happens?"

Mindy takes another sip, shaking her head lightly.

"Its a requirement that the family has to have a nurse at the house during the stay time of the patient. is the one who goes through all of it, he makes sure that everythings prepared for them."

Wow, I never knew Mental Wards did this, but it kind of seemed so unsafe, yet at the same time, nice. Everyone needs time with their families, especially during the Holidays, seeing them once a week, it sucks.

"Me and Anthony are going to my brothers house, him and his wife just had a baby."

I smile at Mindy and she pulls out her phone. I hear the sound of footsteps and I turn my body around, leaning it back on the counter. The footsteps get louder, and I keep my eyes on the hall, waiting. Seconds later, I see walk into plain sight. He lifts his gaze up from the ground and looks at us, all at the nurses desk.

"Good Morning Ladies."

He says, smiling and walking up to the counter, leaning on it. I turn back around and Holly smiles.

"Working hard ?"

He scoffs and shakes his head, starting to slightly giggle.

"Yea, I just finished with Tegans check-up."

I look at him and then to Holly. She looks at me, then drops her head.

"I wish I new what was wrong with that girl, She's so difficult!"

He says, I sigh and look down to my thumbs. She wasn't difficult with me, I mean, she didn't exactly open up to me, but she didn't push me away either.

"So what are you girls talking about?"

He says, changing the tone in his voice, making it a little more cheery.

"About our Vacation, how many days do we get off?"

Mindy asks, leaning back in her chair, twirling the pen in her hand,her fingers expertly twiddling. I look at Dr. Renolds, wanting to know more about this too, Even ask a couple of questions myself.

He straightens his back up and brings his hand to the back of his head, scratching away at his scalp.

"Uhh, Christmas is on Sunday, we leave Friday night, then come back on Tuesday afternoon, so in total 4 days."

Holly smiles and turns around in her chair.

"Finally, I'm exhausted."

We all laugh and I turn to , putting my elbow on the counter and resting my head in my palm.

"So, how does this work? The whole Vacation thing for patients?"

He looks at me, then turns his whole body around, facing me completely.

"Well it a process . . . first I have to make sure they're stable to leave, then I have to contact their relatives, usually the people on the visitors list, You know, I have to ask if they want them home for the Holidays, stuff like that."

I nod my head and keep focusing on him, waiting for him to continue.

"Then, when they say yes, I have to make sure they have a nurse, one who has practice in this field, talk to them, make sure they know who they're dealing with. "

He smiles and sighs. I scoff and shake my head, looking at Holly.

"Thank god Im just a nurse."

Everyone laughs and nods, knowing that Im right.

"Yea, now I just have to find a Nurse to stay with Tegan for the Vacation, If not, I'll have to stay here again."

Holly looks down and Mindy turns around in her chair. I look at and eye him.

"She doesn't go home either?"

I ask him, he shakes his head and shrugs his shoulders.

"She has no family, I've tried asking her for her parent's names, siblings, but she won't tell me."

Then it dawns on me, the Visitors list, she didn't have family, no one was listed. That means . . . she's been spending Christmas all . . alone.

"Yea she won't budge. Oh, I was going to ask if someone can wrap up her arms again, I had to take off her wrap to see what the damage was."

I look at Holly and Mindy, they both turn their gaze to me. I look at and nod my head.

"I will."

He nods his head and turns to Holly.

"Will you lend her your Key to Tegans room please?"

Holly nods her head and he smiles at me.

"Okay girls, I've got to run, please make sure Tegans taken care of."

I smile at him and nod my head, watching him push his body off the counter and start to walk away. Maybe he did care about Tegan, I mean, he said to make sure Tegan was taken care of, obviously he was looking out for her, _right_? I turn back around after I see him disappear into the hall, and look at Holly. She pulls out her keys and starts to search through them, getting Tegans for me. I turn my head to Mindy and smile at her.

"Can you hand me the first Aid Kit?"

She nods her head and leans down, her arm under the desk searching for the Kit. She pulls it up from under the desk and extends it out to me,I grab it and smile at her, thanking her. I turn my attention back to Holly, watching her as she finally gets the key off the hoop. She holds it out and I grab it from her hand and smile weakly at her, I could still see something in her eyes, the way they went down when we talked about Tegan.

I sigh and give both of them one last smile, turning on my heels and walking to the hall. As I walk down the hall, I look down at the kit, I've already used it on her 4 times, or 3. I keep walking and lift my head up, spotting her door, the only door with dents in it. My mind starts to flutter, imagining how _exactly _they got there. I shake the images out of my head, making my heart cringe with each scene, and take in a deep breath. When I get to her door, I look down at the handle, taking another deep breath and putting the key into the lock. I slowly twist it to the side, and hear the door pop open. I slowly open it and peek inside, Tegans body against the wall, her knees up to her chest, arms laying on her knees, her face turned to me. I open the door all the way and step in, smiling weakly at her.

"Hey Tegan. . "

I say low, hoping she remembers everything that happened yesterday, hoping she remembers my arms around her, my hand connected with hers, **hoping **she remembers _me_.

I look into her eyes and stay in the doorway, she blinks a couple of times and drops her head back down to her arms, I follow her gaze and look at them too. Her bare flesh showing, the red marks, making themselves known to both of us. I see her left hand rise, I follow it as it hovers above her arm. She brings it down to her flesh and I see her eyes close tight, then her body starts to shake, she was hurting in a different way. I step in fully and close the door behind me. I walk in and sigh, looking at her body on the bed, I wish I knew what was wrong, but for now, I only knew one way to help her.

I set the kit down on the bed and place the key in my pocket, climbing onto the bed, sitting right in front of her. I open my legs and wrap them around her, pulling my body in close to her. I place my hands down on her ankles, gripping them lightly and leaning my head down a little. I look at her face, her eyes still closed, her lips relaxed, and I notice that her shaking is starting to ease.

"Tegan . . ."

I whisper, hoping she'll look at me, but she doesn't. I look down to her arm and see her grip on her hand starting to tighten, small little drops of blood forming on the lining of the cuts. She needed me, and I wanted to help her, but I'm not sure what to say, Im not sure what to do either, all I know, is that . . . I want to make her stop hurting herself. I barley even know her, and I care for her so much already, it scares me . . . alot.

Tegan POV:

When took me in for my check-up, I was scared. Last night, I had a dream about The Shocks, I kept seeing Cathys face in it, but then, It changed. In the dream, I felt the shocks, then it was like, my soul lifted out from my body and I was watching it, like a movie. I saw what I looked like, my body was convulsing, my mouth was open, tons of foam comming out from my mouth, it was all scarey for me, that I just . . . I don't know anymore. Im starting to think about leaving again, in a way that dream just basically showed me my death, I feel like next time, Cathys not going to stop, that she's just gonna fry me up, and Im gonna leave, so why not just leave now?

"Tegan . . ."

I keep my eyes close and start to tighten my grip on my arm, I wanted to feel the stinging again, maybe it could change my mind some how. Maybe It could make me shake the thoughts from my head.

I feel her warm hand cover mines, lightly gripping it. I open my eyes and slowly lift my head, I wasn't crying, but I was on the verge. I look at her and notice the small tear on her jaw, ready to fall down onto her lap. I follow the tear stain trail up, landing on her eyes. She blinks and another one rolls down, why was she crying, wasn't it supposed to be me?

"Tegan . . . please . . . don't."

She says, it was barely even heard, but the room was as quiet as the desert, making her voice seem so loud. I feel her hand squeeze mine and I look down to it, her soft, warm hand. She starts to rub her thumb against the back of my hand, making my grip start to loosen. After seconds, my hand was numb, as if her fingers were laced with sweet venom, making my hand become paralyzed. I trail my eyes from her hand, up her arm, passing her shoulder, up her long stern neck, passed her lips and into her eyes. When our gaze locks, she starts to shake her head lightly, gripping my hand and pulling it off my arm. I keep my eyes on hers as she brings our hands down to her lap, putting the back of my hand on her thigh and my palm facing up. She looks down to them and I follow her gaze, her hand hovering above mine, my hand laying there so lifeless.

"Hold my hand . . . "

She whispers. I feel my hand start to warm as hers hovers over mine, tempting me. I wanted to feel like I did yesterday, I wanted to feel the safeness she made me feel when she linked our hands together, her hot palm againt my cold dead one, her pulse beating against mine as our wrists touched, I wanted to feel it so bad.

She lifts her head up and I lift mine, our gaze locking once again. Her cheeks had small little tears stains on them, she was crying harder now, but as silent as ever, If I didn't see the tear paths, I wouldn't have known.

"Please."

She whispers, her voice lightly cracking, and it was then that I couldn't take it anymore. I lift my hand up and our palms clash together, making my body shake and my fingers curl between her spaces, gripping her tight. Now I didn't want her to leave, I didn't want her to deny me of her comfort, I just wanted _her_.

She sighs and closes her eyes. I look at her face, scanning each piece of her skin, trying to figure out what was it about _her, _that made me feel this way. Was it her eyes, was it her nose, was it her lips, her smile, her touch, her fingertips, what was it?

I feel her fingers closes down in between my spaces, making the connection more powerful then ever, making it _complete_.

"Don't hurt yourself."

She says, I feel the tear in my eyes break, she said something I had never heard before. Something that made my cuts tingle, something that made my heart start to race, she said _Don't_. It made my lips tremble and it made my fingers dig deeper into her skin.

"Can I help, will you let me help **you**?"

She says, opening her eyes and smiling weakly at me. How could I deny her at all, she cared about me, in a way no one has ever cared for me, I didn't want to let it go, I didn't want her to leave. I nod my head and she smiles bigger, more tears falling from her eyes and rolling down her cheeks. She shifts a little, never once tearing our hands apart, and grabs the First Aid Kit, setting it down on her lap. She looks down and opens the kit, I just couldn't take my eyes off her face though. Why she wanted to help me, I didn't know, why she wanted me to _not _hurt myself, I didn't know, why she was sitting here holding my hand, I didn't know, but one thing I knew, was that she made me different, she made me okay, calm, fearless, she made me safe.

She grabs the wrap from the kit and starts to unravel it, setting it down on her lap. She lifts her head up and smiles at me, the tears now gone, only the memorynof seeing them, proving to me that she ever cried for me, burned in my brain.

"Can I?"

She asks, I feel her arm lift, bringing our linked hands up and into plain sight, signaling for her to let go, so she could _help _me. I gulp and nod my head, not wanting her too, but untangling our fingers. She smiles and I start to bring my hand back to my legs, but she grabs my index finger with her fingers, pulling them back down to her lap. I let my hand linger there, wondering what she was doing. She grabs my other arm and starts to place the wrap around my wrist. I watch her as she slowly and gently wraps up my arm again, feeling her finger tips lightly graze my skin , sending my heart down to my stomach, then back up. I wish I knew why I felt like this with her, _I wish_.

She tucks in the gauze and lays my arm down on her thigh. She looks up at me and I look at her, picking up my other arm and holding it out for her. She smiles weakly and grabs the second wrap, laying my arm down on her thigh and repeating her actions. When she finishes tucking the gauze in, she lifts her head up and looks into my eyes.

"Better?"

I look down to my arm and study the gauze, it was so much better. I didn't want to look at the cuts anymore, not with Sara here, or just in general now, I wanted them to go away.

"Yea . . . thank you."

I whisper, slowly lifting my gaze back up and in her eyes again. Her eyes, god they were . . beautiful, especially right now, the way she was looking into my eyes, god it was . . .

"Sara?"

I whisper, she blinks and nods her head a little, telling me she was paying her attention to me. I wanted her to do something she did last time, something that made my heart stop and made my eyes close, because it was one of the nicest feeling I had felt in a while, I needed to feel it, I needed to ask her to do it for me, just this once.

"Can you . . . kiss them."

I felt the nerves in my skin wake up and start to move around, making my heart race. I feel stupid for asking, but I needed it. She smiles at me and looks down, I keep my eyes on her face as I feel her place her palms on the back of my hands, lifting them up into plain sight. I gulp and look down to her lips, watching them as they lean down and place a kiss on my left arm first. The sweet venom travels through her lips and I close my eyes, reveling in the moment. You'll never know what this feels like, having someone kiss you cuts, making them stop stinging, making them feel like they're gone for a couple of seconds.

I feel her lips leave my wrists, then move to my right arm, giving it the same treatment, giving me the same feeling. When her lips leave my arm, and she lays my arms back down on her thighs, I couldn't help but sigh. I felt the matress start to move, then the weight shift on it, but I kept my eyes closed, letting the high linger through my body.

I feel my hands fall to the matress, and the space next to me sink, then I feel her warm palm on mines, her fingers curling between my spaces again. My reaction, was to do it back, and I did, lightly laying them down between her spaces. I open my eyes and see no one in front of me, but feel her warmth radiate on my side. I slowly turn my head and see Sara, her face towards me, her expression blank, but her eyes pouring into mine. She brings her knees to her chest, just like me, and looks down. She was looking at our hands, still rubbing her thumb on my skin, then I feel her lift them up and bring them to her stomach, snuggling them into her shirt. My eyes go down to her stomach, seeing our hands resting against her body. She takes a deep breath and smiles, looking down at our hands still, then bringing her eyes back to mine. She slowly starts to lean her head down, and I start to feel my heart race, my pulse becoming too fast. She lays her head down on my shoulder and I feel her sigh against my skin.

I hesitate for a moment, but that all goes away when I feel her grip my hand tighter, and I lean my head down, resting my head on hers, feeling my body melt. I need to know how she does this. I take a deep breath and let it out, feeling my eyes start to droop. I let them flutter close and let my mind take me.

Sara POV:

I hear a small whimper, then feel her shoulder move under my cheek. I flutter my eyes open and hear the whimper again, did I fall asleep? I try to lift my head, when I feel the weight of her head on mines, making me slightly smile. She starts to shake and I remember her nightmares, the ones Holly says she has all the time, I take a deep breath and bring my free hand up, slolwy moving my head and placing my hand under her head, holding it. I turn my head to her and see her face scrunched, her bottom lip inside her mouth, between her teeth.

"No . . . "

She whimpers out, and I look at her, her head shaking in my hand, her body slightly trembling, what did she dream about? I sigh and slowly untangle our hands, bringing it up to her face, turning her head slowly to me. I cup her jaw and look at her eyes, they tiwtch everytime she whimpers, and it was a beautiful sight, yet scarey at the same time.

"Tegan . . . "

I whisper, trying not to scare her, but still wanting to wake her up. She whimpers again and I sigh.

"Tegan, wake up."

"I said stop . . . please."

She whimpers out, now I was worried. What the hell was happening in her dream.

"Tegan, wake up, your having a bad dream."

I say, her eyes flutter open and she looks straight into mines, her pupils big, her lips still trembling, her breaths comming out rugged and heavy. I feel her head start to shake in my grasp, I shake my head and pull her down to my chest, letting her hear my faint heartbeat. Bryan used to love to listen to it, he said it was his favorite lullaby. I feel her cheek rub into my chest and her whimpering stops. I place one hand on her neck, feeling her pulse under my fingertips, and place the other one in her hair, running it through her locks. Her body starts to shake as I slowly rub her neck, trying my best to soothe her.

"Okay,Im here."

I repeat, her hands starts to roam over my stomach and I feel my heart race, I knew what she was looking for. I take my hand off her neck and rest it on my stomach, waiting for her to find it, when she does, she imediately locks our fingers together, squeezing my hand tight. I hear her sigh and it makes me calm a little, knowing shes okay again. I lean my head back against the wall and keep running my fingers through her hair, pushing it back.

_"__Theres something about you,  
tears me inside out whenever you're around "_

I close my eyes and remember my brother, singing him this song, it was his favorite. I feel Tegans breathing start to calm and her heartbeat against my skin starting to slow, it was working with her too.

_"Theres something about you  
Speeding thru my veins and then we hit the ground"_

I feel her take a deep breath and I smile, knowing its working perfectly.

_"And theres something about this rush  
Take it away  
It made me feel so good  
I get a feeling, you get a feeling, we get a feeling  
like we could die  
Mother,  
we just cant get enough"_

I feel her grip on my hand tighten and her cheek rub into my chest again. For a moment, I feel like i'm actually with Bryan, like it was him I was holding, but when I feel her breath hit my chest, I smile a little, realizing that it's not, its _Tegan_.

I hear the sound of footsteps, making Tegan turn her head to the side and away from my chest. I lift my head up and open my eyes, looking at the door. Tegan starts to move back, her back resting against the wall again. I sigh as she starst to untangle our hands again, feeling a sudden emptiness when her hand finally leaves mine. I hear the footsteps stop and I look at the thick glass on Tegans door, seeing a pair of familiar eyes. I gulp and suddenly, the door starts to open. Tegan looks down and I keep my eyes on Holly, as she walks inside the room, staring at me. I feel a lump in my throat and a nervous feeling entering my stomach. Holly walks in a little more and looks at Tegan, sighing.

"Cathy said that she's trying out the two new nurses . . . you can clock out and go home."

She says, starting to look down to the floor. I see Tegan turn her head a little to the side and look at me. I look down and nod my head.

"Okay . . . I'll be out right now."

I look up and see Holly turn around and walk out of the room, closing the door behind her. I sigh and turn my head over to Tegan. She turns her head to me and I look at her face, I wish I didn't have to leave, I wish I could just stay with _her_, but I couldn't.

"Are you going to be here tomorrow?"

She whispers low, I start to smile and nod my head, looking down to her hands in her lap.

"Yea . . I'll be here tomorrow."

She nods a little and I see her start to fiddle with her hands, mostly her thumbs. I lift my hand up from my lap and place it over her hands. Her hands stop moving and I look down at them, grabbing her hand and rubbing my thumb over her palm, letting her know that I was **going **to come back.

She turns to me and looks at me in the eyes, making my heart for once, stop completely, then start back up once she blinks.

"Thank you Sara . . . "

She whispers, trying her best to smile, but to sad too. I nod my head and she nods hers, looking back down. I study her side profile and smile, remembering the small kiss I gave her yesterday on the cheek, wanting to suddenly, do it again? I resist the urge and look down at my legs, sighing again.

"I better get going . . . "

She nods and suddenly, starts to move her index finger around my palm, making my heart melt a little. I look down to our hands, and in the corner of my eyes, I see her nod. I start to sit up and collect myself, making sure my hair was okay and making sure my outfit was smooth. I get to the edge of the bed and grab the First Aid Kit, this becomes the hard part, letting go. She stops tracing my palm and hovers her fingers over mine, letting me feel her heat radiate onto my palm. I lift my palm up, grazing hers one last time and standing up. She lifts her head up and looks at me, watching me.

"Bye Sara."

She says, starting to smile a little, and it makes me smile big.

"I'll see you tomorrow Tegan, I promise."

She nods her head and I turn on my heels, closing my eyes for a quick second, burning her face into my memory. I open my eyes again and push the door open, walking out into the bright lit hallway and turning around. I keep my eyes on her as I slowly close the door, her head now down and her hands on the bed. I didn't want to leave her, not now, not ever?

I close the door and sigh, turning around and walking down the empty hallway. God whats going on with me, I just . . . after today, I feel like I'm close to her, like I want to be around her, make sure shes okay, make sure she's stable, make sure I'm there when she has nightmares, _just to be around her_.

I get to the end of the hallway and look up to the big clock above the nurses desk, it was only 12 in the afternoon. I look down at the nurses desk, seeing 2 unfamiliar faces, and 3 familair ones. I make my way to the counter and lean on it, looking at the two new girls.

"Oh this is Sara Johnson, Sara this is Patty and this is Wendy, they're new."

Cathy says, smiling at me. I smile at the girls and turn to Holly. I reach into my pocket and grab the key, extending it out to her. She grabs it and nods her head, pulling out her keys and hesitating for a moment, before looking back up at me. I eye her and she gulps, handing the key back to me.I look at her and turn my head to the side, what was she doing?

"I can't bare to look at her anymore . . . take it."

She says, her shakey breaths filling the air. I look down to the key and it shines under the ceiling lights. She was giving me Tegans key, for me to have? I reach out and grab it, putting it back in my pocket.

45 minutes later.

I open the door to my apartment and imediately kick off my shoes, pushing them to the side and dropping my Jansport Backpack to the ground. It was barley 1 in the afternoon,my schedule said at 7 tonight, but with the new nurses, I get off early. After Holly gave me the Key to Tegans room, she also gave me my new Nametag, and my set schedule, making me officially part of the staff she said.

I take off my coat and hang it up on the little nail, walking over to my couch and laying down on the leather.I moan once my feet get off the floor and stop throbbing. I bury my head into the little pillow and close my eyes, remembering Tegans hand in mines, when I sang to her, when she calmed down against my body, it was a new feeling.

I open my eyes and bring my hand down, reaching inside my pocket and grabbing the small piece of shaped metal. I bring it up to my face, studying it, the sharp ridges, the bright gold, it was the Key, _the key to Tegan_.


	7. Chapter 7

**PLEASE READ A/N :**

**Authors Note**: Please don't hate me for updating so late. What Im doing with this story is actually taking my full time and writing out the scenes, editing them like crazy, and putting alot of thought into the little scenes of Tegans flashbacks, which you might being seeing in every chapter. So please understand why I take my time, I want this story to be perfect for you, but I have been noticing that I edit the chapters perfectly, because I review them on my USB but on here, they tend to cut words, so some mistakes are not my fault. Anyways, In this Chapter, you will be given a **REALLY STONG DETAILED**, snippet of Tegans past, so Im sorry for the use of words in it. The stories gonna start getting heated everyone, just wait patiently. Last 2 things, 1 - I listened to alot of Hip-Hop on this chapter, Like Atmosphere, Grieves, just to get the flow of Tegan, so feel free to listen to them. 2- I wanna thank you guys for the beautiful reviews, especially EraBlaise, feel free to write anything as beautiful as that, also a little Shout out to LWG, You review every Chapter & I love you for that. Also to the person who proposed, I accept if your a girl :3 haha just kidding, but thanks again & sorry for the long ass Authors Note. **REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW** & ENJOY!

Chapter 7: A Head Full Of Pressure

Tegan POV:

_I'm tired, so tired. This week, I haven't really slept at all. On Monday, I spent the whole day at Mikes house, his wife and daughter were out of town, so instead of him coming to our house, he paid 5 grand, just so I could go to his house. That day, Mike wore me out so bad, I had to have Jay carry me out of the car when he drove me was 4 days ago, and I still haven't fully recovered. I can't even shut my eyes for too long . . . because I see his face, and it scares me. _

_"Get on top."_

_I open my eyes and feel him pull out. He rolls off of my body and onto the matress, laying on his back. I prop myself up on my elbows and take in a deep breath. I sit up and turn around, throwing my leg over his body, straddling his waist, and looking down at him. Roger looks down and grabs his cock, placing it back at my entrance, I close my eyes as he slowly pushes it back in. I drop my head down and feel him pull out of me, only to thrust back into me, hard. I squeeze my eyes shut and place my hands on his stomach, staying still, letting him do all the work. _

_"Shit."_

_He moans. I lift my head up and look at his face, his eyes squeezing tight, his mouth forming the perfect o shape, he was gonna cum. I close my eyes and drop my head back down, not wanting to see his face when he does. Seconds later, I feel one big hard thrust, making me cry out in pain. I feel the condom inside me warm up and I sob, that was an all too familiar feeling._

_Suddenly, he grabs my arms and flips us over, so im laying on my back, his member still inside me. I look up to him and he looks down. I take in a deep breath and he slowly pulls out of me, making my eyes slightly scrunch up harder. I feel his body hover over mines for a couple of seconds, then I feel his heat leave me. The matress squeeks and dips, his body obviously moving. I open my eyes and prop myself up on my elbows, looking at him. He's putting on his pants, his shirt already on. I watch him as he puts the rest of his clothes back on and walks out of the door, not saying one word to me. I close my eyes and let my body go limp, falling back on the matress. _

_Sometimes my days were good, sometimes my days were bad, this was a good day. Not only was Roger the last guy, but I was going to get my first tattoo later on tonight. Jays friend was comming to stay with us for a while, and he was a tattoo artist. He did some of Jays tattoo's, and Jay said he would rather him tatt me up then someone else. _

_I look up at the ceiling and hear the sound of my front door slamming shut, Roger probably just finished paying Jay. I sit up in my bed and hear the stereo get turned up. I smile at the sound of the beautiful Hip-Hop beat bouncing off the walls, making my heart jump. I stand up and feel my crotch burn, the small cuts Mike left me never exactly healed up either. I sigh and walk over to my dresser, grabbing a pair of pants and a loose Wu-Tang Clan t-shirt. I quickly change into them and fix up my hair, making sure I look a little presentable. I walk over to my door and slowly open it, peeking my head outside of the room and into the living room, checking to see if Roger, did in fact leave. When I only see Jay, I smile a little and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me. I walk over to the couch and look at Jay, he had his back turned to me, his body facing the stereo, looking through his black CD case. He closes up the case and turns around, finally looking at me. _

_"Hey, I thought you would be sleeping by now?"_

_He says, turning down the music a little. I was tired, but still excited about tonight, I was gonna get my first tattoo._

_"I am, Im just excited though."_

_He chuckles a little and nods, walking over to the couch and sitting down next to me. I turn my head and look at him._

_"I remember my first tattoo, I was 15."_

_He laughs, I laugh too, shaking my head a little bit. He nods and looks down, his laugh fading away._

_"Yea, I got t for ma moms, after she passed away I made sure I had her with me."_

_He lifts up his arm and pushes back his sleeve, holding his arm out to me. I look at the bottom of his forearm and see the large font. I've seen this tattoo before, but never exactly new what it had to do with, I just thought it was an ex girlfriends name._

_"Raquel?"_

_I ask him, he nods his head and takes a look at his arm._

_"Yup, thats ma moms."_

_I nod and look back at the ink on his skin, his whole arm was tatted up, but its his moms name that stood out as the biggest one. _

_"What about you, what are you gonna get?"_

_He asks me. I sit back into the cushion and he pulls the sleeve of his hoodie down, placing his hand on his knee._

_"Im getting a quote by Atmosphere on my arm."_

_He nods his head and smiles at me._

_"Which one, does it have a meaning?"_

_I chuckle at his funny face and nod my head._

_"It has a meaning, but I'm not telling."_

_He laughs and shakes his head scoffing._

_"Im hooking you up with ma boy, and you won't tell me? Thats some shady shit Tee!"_

_"Dont feel left out, Im never telling anyone what my tattoos mean, its my secret."_

_We both laugh and he nods again. He starts to open his mouth to say something else, but closes it when someone kicks our door. We both whip our heads around and look at the door. They kick the door again, and start to pound on it with there fists, making Jay jump up from the couch. He walks over to the kitchen, grabbing is gun from behind the Microwave and walking to the door. I start to get scared, thinking about hiding, but the pounding makes my body freeze. Jay puts the gun behind his back, his finger laying lightly over the trigger. I feel my body get tense as he reaches for the door knob, slolwy turning it. He opens it, standing in front of the small crack._

_"WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE!"_

_I hear a familiar voice ring through my ears, making my body freeze and my fingers start to tremble._

_"Ay Mike, calm down man, whats wrong?"_

_I see Jay put his gun under his belt buckle, moving out of the way, letting Mike walk into the keeps his eyes on Jay as he starts to shout, no once noticing me._

_"TEGAN, SHE LEFT HER FUCKING UNDERWEAR AT MY HOUSE ON PURPOSE WHERE THE FUCK IS SH-"_

_He turns his head and looks at me, my body starting to shake, he was mad. He shakes his head and eyes me. _

_"She probably forgot man, chill out, whats the big deal Mike?"_

_Jay tries to calm him but he just keeps his eyes on me._

_"My wife found them, and left me, she took my fucking kid with her!" _

_Jay looks at me and I stay frozen, trying to not say one word as Mike stares straight into my eyes._

_"How much time can I get with her?"_

_Mikes voice calms and he looks at Jay. Jay looks at me, I look at him._

_"She's off, she ain't working anymore today."_

_I feel my body ease as Jay walks over to the door, trying to tell Mike to leave, but Mike shakes his head and starts to walk to Jay at the door. He keeps his eyes on me as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small book. He scoffs and looks down, opening the small book and pulling out a pen, starting to write in the book. I look up at Jay, only to find his eyes wide and his focus on the little black book, making my heart start to swell._

_"I want four hours with her, alone."_

_Mike says, ripping out the paper and handing it to Jay. Jays hands start to shake as he looks at the paper, then he looks up at me, It was a check._

_"5,000 . . . for 4 hours?"_

_Jay asks, Mike turns to me and gives me an evil smirk, making me eyes start to water. He knew Jay couldn't turn down money._

_"Take it or leave it."_

_I turn to Jay and shake my head, but he keeps his eyes on the check._

_"Tegan, Im gonna be downstairs at Tyrones house."_

_Was all Jay could say, he was too busy with the idea of making 10,000 in a week, that he didn;t realize the anger in Mikes face, but I did. As Jay walks out of the apartment, closing the door, I turn my head to Mike. His face was blank, but his eyes said it all, and so did his body. He slowly walks over to me, I close my eyes and start to cry through my closed eyelids. My heart was racing, just thinking about his teeth, his hands, his body, him. I felt his hot breath steam across my mouth, making my whimper and flinch. _

_"Open you fucking eyes."_

_He whisper low, making me flinch again. I didn't want to make him more angry, so I did what he said. I slowly open my eyes and see his face, centimeters away from mine. My breathing starts to become shakey as he starts to shake his head, looking down at my body. _

_"Mike . . . Im sorr-"_

_He pushes my body down onto the couch and my head its the wall, making me groan. My eyes flutter for a moment, but them I feel his rough hands run through my hair, grabbing a fistfull of it, and throwing my head down onto the cushion._

_"Mike please!"_

_l look up at him and he snarls at me, making my heart stop. He shakes his head and brings his hand to my face, letting me see my green thong, he ordered me to wear, clearly. I whimper out as he pushes them into my face, making me turn my face to the side._

_"You left them at my house on purpose you fucking bitch."_

_He whispers, suddenly, I feel his body climb onto mine, making my whimper. He grabs my face and yanks it hard, making me see him, and only him. He leans down and looks into my eyes, making my heart shake inside my chest._

_"My wife found these . . . now she wants to fucking Divorce me."_

_He says through clenched teeth. I shake my head, trying to tell him Im sorry, but he shoves the underwear into my mouth, using his other hand to unzip his pants. I push out the material and shake my head more._

_"Mike please, I didn 't mean too, please don't hurt me, plea-"_

"_SHUT THE FUCK UP!"_

_He slaps me across the face and I cry out in pain, feeling my cheek sting, probably a small cut forming from his rings. He puts his palm on my face and shoves my head back, thats when I feel his hands on my pants zipper._

"_No!"_

_I scream, but it comes out muffled from his palm pressed to my lips. I start to kick my legs, moving my arms, trying to pry his hand off of my face, but then she shoves my face down, and lets go of my face. Was he stopping? He looks at me and I look at him, tears streaming down my face, my body trembling under his. He leans down onto my body, his face once again, hovering over mine, making his eyes stare directly into mine.I gulp and try to breath, but can't. Suddenly, I feel his hand on my stomach, trailing over my shirt and up to my breast. He squeezes it hard and I whimper, feeling a bruise already forming on it. He trails his hand up more, stopping at my collar bone, making me shutter under his touch._

"_I'm sorry Mik-"_

_He places his hand on my neck, grabbing at it hard, making my voice cut. I try to breath, but his grip got tighter and tighter by the second.I place my hands on his chest, trying to push him away, but my body starts to get weak,and my eyes starting to flutter._

"_Did I fucking say to speak?"_

_He whispers, leaning down and taking my trembling bottom lip between his teeth, biting on it hard, making a whimper stay stuck in my throat. He pushes down on my neck and lets go, taking my hair in his hands and bringing his other hand up and slapping me across the face._

"_Get on your fucking stomach!"_

_Before I can even catch my breath, he grabs my arms and turns me over with full force, slamming my face down into a pillow. I scream into the pillow, finally catching my breath. He shoves my head into the pillow and I feel his other hand on the hem of my pants, pulling them down my thighs._

"_Help!"_

_I scream into the pillow, now realizing, he really wasn't going to stop, and if I could scream loud enough, maybe Jay would hear hits me on the back of my head and I feel one of his rings drag across my scalp, making me feel a small wetness around the gash. He grabs my hair and pulls my head up, placing his other hand around my neck. He leans down to my ear and bites my earlobe._

"_Ahh!"_

_I whimper out and he clutches my neck hard, but I'm still able to breath._

"_My wife . . . left me."_

_I feel a tear run down my cheek as he tugs on my earlobe hard._

"_Because of you . . ."_

_I shake my head, a couple of sobs escaping my throat and out into the open stale air, making him bring his tongue to my cheek, licking my whole cheek._

"_So Im gonna fuck some sense into you, do you understand me?"_

_I whimper out for help, but feel his grip on my hair tug harder._

"_I said do you understand me, or do I have to fuck you harder for you to understand?"_

_He whispers, taking my cheek between his teeth and biting down on it hard._

"_AHHH! I UNDERSTAND!"_

_I cry out, my voice cracking, making my throat slams my face down into the pillow and I scream. He pulls my pants down all the way to my ankles, making my grab at the cushions underneath me. I feel his hands on my butt, palming them to his desire, then bringing one hand up and slapping me bare flesh hard. I scream as one of his cold metal rings slice through my skin, then I feel his body lean down on mine, as one of his hands grabs at my shoulder._

"_No."_

_I try one last time through my sobs, but my voice doesn't even make it out of the pillow. He spreads my cheeks apart and I shake my head, feeling his hard on in front of my entrance. Just as I prepare myself for the pain, I gasp as he plunges into my butt hard._

"_STOP!"_

_I cry out, feeling my body spasm in pain and my nerves rattling. He starts to thrust into me hard, making my eyes widen with each one. _

"_You fucked up my life!"_

_He shouts, as he pushes into me deep._

"_You left them there on purpose didn't you, fucking bitch!"_

_I shake my head, continuing to cry out in pain as he tears me up from the inside out._

"_You wanted me all to your fucking self huh?"_

_He says, starting to pant heavily. I feel my body start to grow numb from the pain, making my eyes start to shut. I lay there, feeling each thrust, hearing him scream at me, feeling my body becoming sore already. _

"_Please. . . stoppp."_

_I whisper, on the verge of closing my eyes. Suddenly I hear the sound of metal clanging together, then he pulls out of me hard, making my mouth drop. When I feel his body get up and off of mine, I start to cry in relief, he was done, he was leaving the pain was over._

"_Turn on your fucking back."_

_Just as the tears wanted to stop, they continue as I feel my body become weak again. I feel his grip on my arms and he flips me on my back, making me stare up at him. My mouth becomes locked when I see whats in his hands, the large leather belt, with his Large Belt Buckle. My tears stop and my heart does too, making me feel dead for a couple of seconds._

"_Now Im all yours."_

_He says low, lifting up his hands and whipping me with the metal belt buckle. I scream, stop, please, help, No, but he keeps lashing at my body, making the pain more numbing, so numb that my body locks up, letting him hit me shamelessly. I stare up at the ceiling, my mouth open, the drool slowly seeping from the corner of my mouth, I didn't feel it anymore, the pain was gone . . . and so was I._

I blink my eyes, hearing the small tapping start up. I sigh and lift my head, looking at Ms. Camey. I eye her and she nods, placing her pen on the desk and looking at me.

"You know why were having an emergency session, right Tegan?"

I look down at my cuffed wrists, the metal digging into my skin, leaving red indents. I knew exactly why I was here right now.

"Because I tried to kill myself . . . "

I say low, flashing back to my face, smiling as I finished cutting, because I thought it was the end.

"Right . . . what were you thinking when you did that, anything in particular, family, friends?"

She asks, I close my eyes and roll them behind my eyelids.

"I don't have family . . . or friends that mean that much to make me do that."

I say, a hint of scorn in my voice. It was true though, the people who created me, left me. The people who took me in, fucked me up. Yea my life was a mess, I will admit that, but they weren't the reason for my attempt, that was only for me. I wanted to leave, Im tired, I haven't seen anything outside of my room in 6 years, I get Shock Therapy when I speak up, my life was shit.

The timer goes off and it makes me whip my head up. Ms. Camey stops the ringing and sighs, setting her notepad and pen on her desk.

"Were gonna continue this topic once we get back from Vacation."

She says, sighing. Vacation? already? Thats means that its . . . is it?

"Christmas Vacation?"

I ask, the scorn in my voice was back. I knew what that ment, that ment me being all alone, in my room, with Doctor Renolds checking up on me every hour. I felt my eyes start to water as the feeling of lonliness started to crash down on me.

"Yes, I'll be back on Wednesday."

I hear the sound of her office door creeking open. I lift my head up and see a guy, standing in the middle of the doorway, smiling at me.

"Are you Tegan Quin?"

I nod my head and he nods.

"Okay, I'm here to escort you back to your room."

He says. Without another word or look at Ms. Camey, I stand up from my seat and slowly walk over to the door. I lift up my arm, presenting him with the small patch of skin for him to grip . He shakes his head and smiles, lightly placing his hand on my back and moving me out of the room. He closes the door and turns to me. Why wasn't he handling me like the rest of the staff?

"Ready?"

He asks me, I eye him, but nod my head. He nods and starts to walk. I walk next to him, trying to understand what and who this guys was.

Sara POV:

I've been waiting for a while to see Tegan. When I went to her room this morning, to check on her, she wasn't there. Then when I asked Holly, she told me she had and Emergency Meeting with her Therapist, which kind of made me feel relieved in a way, knowing she was talking to someone.

I hear heavy footsteps comming down the main hall. I lift my head up from the paperwork Im filling out and look at the hall, waiting. The footsteps get louder and suddenly, I see Ted. He walks over to the nurses desk and smiles wide, leaning on the counter.

"Hello ladies."

All the girls smile at him, mostly Mindy though. I smile at him, wondering what he was doing up here without a cart of food, or a tool belt.

"Ted, what are you doing up here?"

I ask him, he smiles and looks at me.

"Doctor Renolds asked me to help him with a patient, I need someone to open up her door though. And, he said for one of you gals to check her out, see that she's stable."

Holly pats my back and looks at Ted.

"Sara's gonna do it."

I look at Holly and she smiles, then it hits me. Tegan. I smile and turn my head to Ted, nodding.

"Yea, I'll go."

He nods and I stand up, reaching into my pocket and grabbing my set of keys and pulling them out. I felt something inside my stomach tingle, making me slightly shiver at the thought of seeing Tegan. I guess Im starting to feel like I need to be around her, to protect her, especially now that she reminds me of my brother.

I walk around the desk and stop next to Ted. I nudge his shoulder and he turns to me, smiling.

"Okay, lets go."

I nod and he starts to walk, I follow next to him, ready to see Tegan. When we get to the hall, we round the corner, and thats when I get confused. Where was Tegan?

"Where is she?"

I ask him. He turns his head and smiles.

"Well I have to go get her first, but I wanted you to open the door now, its easier, plus you could just stay in her room and do the check up real quick, right?"

I nod my head, it did sound a little easier than walking back and forth. I smile and we get to the front of her door, he turns to me and smiles.

"I'll be back."

I nod and suddenly, my mind goes to Tegan, the way she is, _her_.

"Ted!"

I shout right before he turns the corner. He stops and turns around, looking at me.

"Whats up?"

He takes a couple of steps closer and pays his full attention to me.

"Uhhm, can you be gentle with her, her arms are sore and well, just be gentle, please?"

I ask, trying to make sure he didn't hurt her, by grabbing her arms to hard. He smiles and nods, giving me a thumbs up and turning around. I smile and turn to the door, grabbing Tegans key and placing it inside the lock. I smile as I twist it, hearing the lock click open. I open the door and push it all the way back to the wall, stepping into her room and looking around. I look down to her sheets and pillow, noticing that they were messed up. I walk to her bed, placing my keys back inside my pocket and leaning over her bed, tucking in her sheets. I finish tucking them in and pay attention to the pillow. I pick it up, fluffing it , making it feel like a big cottonball, then place it at the head of the bed. I smile as I look down to the small white room. God, I would go crazy if I lived in here, I wonder how she doesn't mind, or does she?

Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps, then the sound of the bar gate closing. I smile as the footsteps get louder. I sit down on her bed, and move all the way against the wall, resting my back against it. I look at the door and see Teds side, as he looks at Tegan. Hes fiddling around with something, then I hear a clicking sound. I look down to see Teds hand, hanging to his side, a pair of metal handcuffs looped around his index finger. I felt my heart slowly fall, did something happen again that she had to wear handcuffs?

Ted moves back and turns to the door, smiling at me sitting down. I smile and see Tegan walk in, her head down, her left hand massaging her right wrists. I see the red marks the handcuffs left her with.

"Tegan?"

She lifts her head up and looks at me with wide eyes, I scared her. Her eyes start to relax once she see's me, and her lips give me a little smile. I turn to Ted and look at him, as he eyes us. I shake the look away and smile at him.

"Can you close the door, don't lock it though, Tell Holly I'll be out."

He nods and grabs the door handle, starting to close the door.

"Remember, Doc said to give her a check-up."

I nod and turn my attention to Tegan, as she stands at the edge of the bed. I hear the door close and I smile at her.

"Hey, you okay?"

She keeps her eyes on mine as she climbs onto the bed, sitting next to me. I keep smiling at her, until she finally tears our gaze, looking down. She brings her knees up to her chest and tucks her hands under her shirt, resting them against her stomach. She drops her forhead onto her knees and takes in a deep breath, letting it out heavy, what happened?

"Something wrong?"

I ask her, she doesn't say anything, she just looks down. After a minute, I look down to her hands, watching them start to move under her shirt. I remember the comfort they brought to _me _when I laced our hands, I remember the comfort they brought _her _when our wrists touched and I could feel her heartbeat on mine, and it made me smile.

I lift my hand up and extend it to her lap, letting my palm face her eyes, letting her see what I was asking her for. As my arm hovered, I saw the look in her eyes, the way they pierced into my flesh, I knew she wanted to, I just didn't understand what was holding her back.

"Did I do something wrong?"

I ask low, feeling my heart slowly fall down into my stomach. I kept my eyes on hers as her eyes watched my palm. She takes her bottom lip into her mouth, lightly biting it. She shakes her head gently and closes her eyes.

"I'm not gonna see you for a while . . ."

She says low, her voice had the most painful ring to it, making my heart start to disolve in the pit of my stomach, the acid slowly eating it up.

"What do you mean?"

I ask, setting my hand down on her lap, feeling the light stinging pain in it from holding it up so long. She sighs and turns her head over, finally looking at me, the little puddle of water in her eyes.

"Your leaving . . . for vacation."

I look into her eyes, watching as she tries to blink away the tears, trying her best to hide them from me. Even though I didn't know her personally, I knew her well enough to want to see them, maybe even wipe them away.

"I'll only be gone for a couple of days . . ."

I try to make it not sound so long, but the truth was, **now, **_I _didn't want to go that long without seeing her, especially since I had Friday off, that was one more day extra without seeing her.

She puts her head back down, looking at my palm again. She starts to move her hands under her shirt, finally pulling one out. I look at her hand, watching as hers hovered over mine. She places her index finger on my palm, lightly tracing it, just like the first time, when I proved to her I didn't have a syringe with me, and . . . it calmed me.

"I wish you didn't have to . . . "

She says, barely even above a whisper. I sigh and look down to my other hand on my lap, what was I going to do. Since the day I cleaned her cuts, kissed them,watched her sleep on my chest, I didn't want to go a day without seeing her. It's weird, but then again, comforting in the most strangest way. I felt like I needed to take care of her, do my best to make sure she's cared for, and I did.

I turn my head back around and look at our hands, feeling the small tingle from her finger tickling my palm, shoot all through my body. I lean my palm up, hitting hers and close my fingers down between her spaces, squeezing her tight.

"Im sorry . . . "

She doesn't say anything, she just closes the gap between my spaces and squeezes my hand tight. I smile and scoot my body closer to her, our arms slightly brushing. I sigh and start to rub my thumb on the back on her hand, her smooth flesh under my tips, making it so soft.

"I . . ."

She starts to say something, making my head turn to her, my heavy breaths hitting her hair, making it slowly sway each time I exhale. I sit there and just wait, when she was ready, she would say it, on _her _terms. After 3 minutes, she slowly turned her head to me, looking at me in the eyes, the most deepest gaze we had ever been in, making my heart slowly come to a stop, skipping a numerous amount of beats, my lungs were gone, and now I was just running off her gaze, she was the sun, and I was the Solar Lamp. When she starts to rub her thumb against the back on my hand, my heart slowly started again, letting me finally breath.

"I . . . really don't want you to go . . . ."

She says, making me smile at her weakly, because I knew I didn't want to either. Suddenly, it dawned on me, the conversation we had yesterday with Doctor Renolds, he was looking for a nurse to watch over her. My eyes went wide as I started to think about it, I didn't want to part from Tegan, she was staying here at the Ward, I was spending Christmas alone, and again, we didn't want to leave eachother.

"Tegan . . ."

I whisper, finally realizing, _I _could take care of her.

She looks at me, her eyes starting to roam around my face.

"Are you okay?"

She asks me. I don't know exactly what I look like, but I know I must look pretty crazy if she has to ask me if Im okay, but I was just so anxious now.

"Tegan, what if . . . I asked Doctor Renolds if you could come home with me . . for the Christmas Vacation?"

I ask her, she looks at me and eyes me. I must sound crazy!

"Sara. . . "

She says. I smile and look down to our hands, I definitelty didn't wan't to go a whole week without seeing her, or holding her hand, like I said before, It was comforting, not just for her, but for me too.

"He said he was looking for a nurse."

I tell her, she looks down and sighs, making my mood suddenly turn down.

"He wouldn't let me. . . or you."

He would, I was a certified nurse, I knew how to take care of a patient.

"What if I ask him?"

I suggest. She turns and looks at me, her eyes slightly watering up again.

"You really want to spend the week, most of all Christmas . . . with me, a crazy person?"

In that moment, I couldn't help but get the strangest feeling in the world. I have been here for a week so far, and in my mind, I couldn't come around to the fact that she was in fact 'Crazy'. In all honesty, even with the attempt to kill herself, the dreams, she just seemed like someone with a past, not a personality disorder. But then again, she was in here for a reason, A reason I had yet to learn about.

"Yea . . . I wanna spend my Christmas with you."

I say, looking back down at our hands, they fit so perfectly, you would think that they were a block of wood, chizzled perfectly to fit eachother, the same size, same feeling, same emotion. I lift my head up and see a small tear leave the corner of her eye, slowly trailing down her cheek. This was my moment, to show her I was serious about it, it was crazy, but we both admitted to not wanting to seperate. I lift my free hand up and bring my palm to rest against her cheek, her eyes started to droop, feeling my hot skin over hers. I bring my thumb up and slowly and rub the tear away, her eyes slowly closing. I smile and feel my heart melt, I still wanted to know how I was able to ease her, with just the touch of my hand, or the words from my mouth, it amazed me.

"I'm gonna talk to him . . . thats if you say yes."

I whisper, trying to make her smile. I lean in a little closer, our faces inches apart from eachother. I leaned in close, because I wanted to see her eyes open and I wanted to see the emotion in them when she said yes.

Just like I said, her eyes slowly opened, and her gaze imediately locked with mine, making my heart skip a beat. Not only was she my comfort zone now, but I loved the feeling she brang to me, I loved how my heart stopped around her, and how my breathing would somtimes change, it was a different feeling, but it was addicting.

"Okay . . . "

She says, her lips starting to slowly curl, another tear slipping from her eye. I smile and rub my thumb against her skin again, slowly sitting up and looking down to my feet.

"Im gonna go talk to him right now, we only have 2 days left until Vacation, and Frday I have the day off."

I say. I turn to her and she nods, looking down at our hands, and slowly untangling them. The emptiness hit me again, the same feeling as yesterday, when she pulled our hands away because Holly was comming, it was the same as that, only not as bad.

I place my hand back on my lap and slowly get up from the bed, standing up and turning to her. She lifts her head and looks at me, a small smile playing her lips, making me smile back.

"Okay . . . I guess Im gonna go, okay?"

I still didn't want to leave her, and that scared me. I was already attached to her, after only knowing her for days, it was stupid, it was idiotic, but at the same time it wasn't.

"Will you come back?"

She says low. I nod and she nods too, watching me as I started to walk to the door and push it open. I step outside and into the hallway, turning around and leaning against the door. I look at Tegan and find her gaze still on me as I slowly close the door. When the door clicks, I felt a wave of happiness crash down on me, making my body shiver and my spine tingle.

I turn on my heels, walking at a fast pace to the nurses desk. When I finally get to it, I lean on the counter, not being able to control the smile playing my lips. Holly, Mindy and Ted look at me, eyeing me as I stand there.

"You okay?"

Ted asks, I nod and look down at Holly.

"Would it be okay if I went down and talked to Doctor Renolds really quick?"

She looks at me, then down to the lounge, looking at Cathy and eyeing her. When Judy wasn't here, Cathy was in charge, when Cathy wasn't here, Holly was in charge. She bites her lip and looks at me.

"Let me call him first."

I nod and she picks up the office phone, pressing only 3 numbers and waiting.

"Hello, Doctor Renolds?"

I look at her, waiting for her to ask him.

"Haha yea, listen Doctor Renolds, Sara Johnson wanted to go down and -"

She looks at me and I smile, whispering to her.

"Ask him a couple of questions."

She nods.

"Ask you a couple of questions."

She repeats. She nods and I start to bite my lip, looking at Ted.

"Okay, she'll be down right now."

I smile and she smiles.

"Haha okay, I'll send Ted with her."

She laughs and sets the phone down, looking at me and Ted.

"Okay, you just have to take Ted with you."

I nod my head and look at Ted, eyeing him with an evil smirk. He laughs and I do too. He gets up and walks around the desk, next to me. He nudges my shoulder and I smile, both of us starting to walk. We get to the hall and he turns to me, smiling.

"So what do you need to talk to Doctor Renolds about?"

I lift my head up from the floor as we round the corner, and into the hall. I look at the rows of doors, one of them _always _catching my eyes, the dented door. I smile as we keep walking, just staring at the door. When we finally pass her door and round the corner, I look up to Ted and smile.

"Christmas Vacation."

Tegan POV:

When I saw Sara in my room, I was happy, but then I remembered Christmas Vacation, and that she wouldn't be here for a couple of days, and to be honest, I was hurt. For some reason, I know now, that she has become my comfort zone, she has been the one to help me through some things, without even knowing a single thing about me, and Im so thankful for that. One thing that scares me though, is how fast this has happened. I only met her days ago, and here I was, missing her as she walked out of my door, missing her hand linked with mine, missing her soft and supple smile, it was something I wanted everyday now, _her_.

I lay down on my back, looking up at the ceiling, feeling my eyes close. What was it about her, I wanted to know. I still wondered why I felt this way with her, when she was on the side of the people who hurt me, when she has access to a syringe that could put me to sleep. But she promised, she said she wouldn't use one. . . I _hope _she keeps that promise.

I bring my hands up and look down to my forearms, looking at white gauze she wrapped around my arms yesterday. Today, Ms. Camey asked to see them, but I couldn't show them to her. For a strange reason, I didn't want to show them to anyone,_ if anyone were to ask me_, only Sara. When I was laying in my bed, crying for hours, wishing someone would check on me, no one came, except for her. And when she did, she held me, he held my hand, she let me cry, she spoke the most soothing words to me, she cleaned my cuts, she wrapped them, and then, she kissed them. They were hers now, she's the only person I would want to look at them, and she's the only person _I _want, to bring them up.

I take in a deep breath, realizing what I was just thinking. God I must be crazy, already becoming attached to someone, when I only know there first name. But in a way, it wasn't crazy. I've been here for 6 years, and in these 6 years, I haven't met a nurse like her, how she shows so much interest in me, how she takes her time to check up on me, how she, just in general . . . cares about me.

But now, she asked me if I wanted to spend Christmas Vacation with her, and it made everything in my body freeze. My first reaction, was to just jump and say yes, but then I took the moment to actually think about it. Doctor Renolds wouldn't let me, even though she was a nurse, he wouldn't trust me outside of these four small walls, but if only he knew how crazy they've made me, he would have taken me out years ago.

Now, Im just waiting. Im waiting for Sara to come back and tell me that she didn't get permission, that I have no choice but to stay here with Doctor Renolds and stare at a wall. I was prepared, I'm always prepared for news thats bad, never good, I don't know how to react to it at all. Thats why it was hard for me to react when I asked her if she 'Really wanted to spend Christmas with me, a crazy person' and she said yes, didn't know what to do, but I still said okay.

I turn over on my stomach, and move my head on the pillow, snuggling my cheek into it. It was suddenly so fluffy and comfortable that it made me yawn. I look over to my door, specifically looking at the glass, waiting to see Saras face. As minutes passed, I felt myself grow sleepy, and with the last hint of Saras scent on my pillow, I inhaled it, letting the images of her face run through my mind, and the feel of her palms hovering over mine crash down on me. I felt my lips curl as my eyes started to flutter close.

I felt a small tap on my shoulder, making my groan. As my dream paused, I felt another tap, the image of Saras face leaving and my eyes fluttering open.

"Tegan."

I hear a low whisper, I turn my head from the wall and see Sara, standing at the edge of my bed. I blink my eyes a couple of times, trying to figure out if I was still in my dream, or if she was actually standing in front of me. The vision finally clears and I see her smiling at me, her hands behind her back. I felt my heart start to race, the panick setting in, what was she holding behind her back?

_please no_.

"I was gonna tell you tomorrow, but maybe I should tell you now."

She says, still whispering. I look behind her, my door open, the halls a dark black, it was nightime already, how long was I sleep for?

"Huh?"

I say, sitting up and moving my back against the wall, my other safe place, besides her arms. I rub the sleep from my eyes and open them, seeing her start to slowly lower her butt on the bed. She sits on the edge and turns to me, smiling still. She takes her hands out from behind her back and looks at me, holding out a paper. I look down to the paper, all the letter and words, I had no clue what they said.

After my parents had left me, I didn't take any of my legal documents with me, not only that, but I stopped going to school. Then when Jay took me in, he couldn't enroll me, because he didn't have any of my papers, he wasn't my legal Guardian, and he didn't want to. He just let me hang out with him all day, sometimes he would leave me with his friends, but reading and writing were never part of the day, ever.

I felt my cheeks grow red as she waiting for me to read the print. I look up at her and she looks at me, her smile slowly starting to fade as she see's my expression. I look down and feel my lips start to tremble, trying to find an explanation why I want her to read it to me. Suddenly, I feel the matress moving, I look up and see her slowly crawling next to me. She turns around and her back rests againt the wall. She takes a deep breath and turns to me, looking at me with a small smile on her face.

"Sorry I took so long . . . but Im pretty sure it was worth it."

She says, her smile slowly growing. She looks down and grabs my hand from my stomach, instantly linking it with hers and placing it on her lap, letting me feel the soft material of her pants. She looks down to the paper and I look at her face, feeling my fingers instanly curl down between her spaces at the sight of her.

" While Patient is staying with the relatives/ visitors listed, the nurse of the house,(Sara Johnson) must follow and abide by the rules of the Doctors orders."

She takes a deep breath, not once taking her eyes off the paper, but lightly squeezing my hand, and rubbing her thumb across my skin, making me ease a little bit.

"Rule 1: Nurse must accompany patient at all times, bathroom usage, Shower time (Must never be alone.)

Rule 2: The room in which the patient stays in, must not have any sharp objects, nothing that can be used as a harmful object to the patient.

Rule 3: Nurse is allowed to sedate the patient at any time of a Mental Episode, but only the provided medicine from Doctor.

Rule 4: Nurse must sleep in the same room as the Patient, for safety reasons.

Rule 5: Nurse must always carry a loaded sedater, in case of Mental Episode.

Please note that I have specifically designed these rules myself, and I would appreciate if you, relatives/visitors listed, would abide by them. Patients will be expected to come back to the Ward on Tuesday afternoon, with the same stuff they left with. They will be allowed only one gift from home, something that is not harmful to them and approved of it's safety by myself. Please have fun with your Relatives/Visitors Listed, and make the most of your time. If you have any questions at all, you may call me anytime, please do not hesitate. Signed, Doctor Harold Renolds."

She lifts her head up from the paper and looks at me. She bites down on her bottom lip and starts to smile.

"Your comming to my house for Christmas Tegan."


	8. Chapter 8

Authors Note: Sorry readers, I took so long! This was supposed to be posted last night, but shit happens on New Years, you wind up smoking in a large circle like That's 70's Show. Anyways, Im going to be honest, I'm not really digging this chapter, because of specific reasons, but you might, Im not sure. Sara's starting to get a little more over protective of Tegan, who doesn't like and over protetcive Sara? Also, the end is kind of sad for me, it made me tear up at the way Sara looks at her, and what she says, it probably might have made me cry because I was listening to Swimming Pool by Freezepop. So,this is the last Christmas Vacation Teaser, next Chapter is The CHRISTMAS CHAPTERS :D probably 4 to 5 chapters filled with so much, you won't be able to handle it, some cute and 'aww' moments too. Also, there will be alot of flashbacks, you have to read them with a different emotion, because they will be so important, Very! Now that I have teased you guys for so long, just one last thing. I love, love the reviews, 16 reviews for the last chapter, that was amazing! Thank you all, I wouldn't mind more for this one (;

Anyways Please REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW & ENJOY :D

Chapter 8: I Have You

Sara POV:

I grab my stuff from the small gray tray , placing my cell phone, keys and ipod inside my shirt pocket. I turn around and smile at Officer Brown and Officer Bloom.

"Ready for Christmas?"

Officer Brown asks with a small smile. I take in a deep breath and smile, a real genuine smile and nod my head.

"Yea, Im ready."

He nods and waves me off. I turn around and walk to the gate, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my keys. I stop in front of the gate and grab the familiar key, placing it inside the lock and twisting it, hearing it click. I open the gate and step inside, turning around and closing it gently. I start to walk, smiling as I take each step closer.

Today was going to be fun, according to Doctor Renolds, today is the day of the Christmas Celebration. The way he explained it was pretty simple, he gives the patients permission to roam around all day, starting from 10:30 to 8:30 tonight, then the patients have to go back into their rooms to prepare for tomorrow. Im kind of excited about the Christmas Celebration, it gives me time to talk to Tegan about our time at my house. After I told her that, she was kind of nervous and she looked really scared, but I told her I would talk to her about it more.

I round the corner and look down the hall, the nurses placing little Christmas Posters and decorations on the wall. Suddenly, I see Holly, carrying a huge paper snowman, trying her best not to let it drag on the floor. She walks up to an empty wall and starts to lay it against the wall, holding it with one hand, and reaching into her pocket with the other. She pulls out a roll of tape, trying her best to cut a piece, but the snowman starts to fall. I giggle and walk over to her. I stop in front of her and lean down, placing my lunch on the floor. I stand up and she turns her head over to me, smiling.

"Hey, give me a hand?"

I smile and place both of my hands on the head of the snowman, smirking playfully.

"I'll give you two."

She laughs and shakes her head, pulling the piece of scotch tape and cutting it. She places one on the top of the snowmans head. I stand there as she starts to place them all over the round body.

"So, what exactly do we do today?"

I ask her, she cuts another piece of tape and places it on his stick arm.

"Well, its kind of like a regular day, except we leave the Cafeteria open so they can walk in and get food anytime they want, we bring out games, instruments, activities for them to do, you know, let them have some fun."

I nod and she places the last strip at the bottom of his body. I bring my hands back down to my sides, we both step back and look at it. We both turn our heads to eachother, lightly giggling at the same time, the snowman was noticably crooked.

"Oh well, Im not gonna go through all that again."

She shrugs and I bend down, grabbing my lunch and turning to her.

"Wanna help us set up some more decorations inside the Caf?"

I nod my head and she smiles, both of us turning around and walking back down the hall. I wanted to see Tegan before I actually started to work, but I guess I can hold off until 10:30, only 30 minutes to go.

We get to the nurses desk and I smile, leaning on the counter and looking at Mindy, the only other nurse there, the rest walking around.

"Hey Mindy, what are you . . . what are you doing?"

I ask, finally looking down to the paper plate, a pile of Doritos and Cheetos in the middle. She has another plate next to it, placing a Dorito on one side of the plate, and a Cheeto on the other side of the plate, what the?

"I can't have my food touching, its disgusting."

I look at her and shes so into the task, her eyes are wide everytime she touches a chip. I look at Holly and she's looking at Mindy too, obviously finding the task very odd too. I hold back my giggles, and so does Holly.

"Okay . . . were gonna go decorate the Caf, wanna come or are you to . . . uhh, busy?"

Holly asks, reaching behind the counter and grabbing a stack of decorations, bringing them up to her chest, holding them to her. I look at Mindy and she shakes her head, keeping her eyes on her 'Task'. She shakes her head, placing a Dorito chip onto the proper side of the plate, making me slightly giggle.

"Okay, we'll be back at 10:30 to help unlock the doors."

Mindy waves us away, annoyed that we keep trying to talk to her, while she's doing something. Holly and I turn around, giggling and walking towards the other hall. We walk in silence after our giggles die down, only the sound of every nurses footsteps fill the halls. We stop in front of the cafeteria doors and I pull out my keys, searching for the right Key. I place the key inside the lock and twist it, feeling the click of the metal run through the metal key and into my fingertips. I pull the door back and feel a gust of wind hit my face.

"You should be in an Herbal Essence commercial, you might make some good money."

Holly laughs and I smile, moving my head slowly again, my hair swaying back and forth, but only my loose bangs moving. Holly laughs again and shakes her head, slowly walking inside the room.

"Kick the doors open, Ted should be comming with the food right now."

I nod and turn around, looking at the closed door, I push it back and it slowly moves back. It hits the wall and I look down at the little kick stand, bringing my shoes to it, tapping it. It falls down and the door stays in place. I walk over to the other one and kick the small stand too, that door also staying in place. I turn back around and see Holly ,standing on top of a chair, trying to put up another little snowman. I laugh and she climbs off the chair, turning to me.

"So, guess what?"

She asks, smiling at me, grabbing another decoration from the table. I walk over to her, sitting down on the bench, watching her climb up the chair.

"What?"

She places the paper to the wall, grabbing a piece of tape from her finger.

"Judy won't be back till sometime next week."

She shakes her head, moving back into the chair, checking to see if the decoration is messed up.

When she said that, the first thing that came to my mind, was the image of Judy pushing Tegan in the shower, Making Tegan fall flat on her face. I felt my body cringe as I felt Tegans head hit the floor, making my eyes open.

"Why, I thought she was supposed to be gone for a week only?"

Holly gets off the chair, grabbing another decoration and walking to the next space on the wall.

"She was, but her son's a Doctor, he said that she needed a little more time, haaa bulshit."

Holly says, placing tape on the paper. I look down at my fingers, turning my palm over and looking at the lines indented in my skin. Then I see it, Tegans warm hand hovering over mine, just feeling the warmth my hand brings to hers. It's funny though, how this works, it's supposed to be me who comforts her, me who helps her, but yet, I feel some sort of relief when Im around her, like not only do I help her, but she helps me?

By the time we're done, it was already 10:27, only 3 more minutes to go. I asked if I could be the one to open the doors with Holly, but Cathy said no, it was her job, that my job was to STAY out here with the patients and watch over them. I couldn't argue, and I didn't, this was basically her Ward, but when Judy comes back, it's hers and Cathy's.

I peek over the counter from the nurses desk, looking around the lounge. All the nurses standing in the middle, exchanging words, sorting out some last minute stuff, all without me, but I didn't care, I just wanted to see Tegan.

"Sara, you and Mindy have to stay here in the lounge, Wendy, Patty and I are working the Caf, Holly and Peggy are working the halls, got it?"

I look at Cathy and she's eyeing me, waiting for me to answer. I nod my head and she gives me one stern nod. She looks back to the girls and suddenly, we hear a little tiny beeping noise. I look at Cathy and she looks down to her watch, pressing a small little button and smiling at everyone.

"Alright girls lets get this out of the way."

All the nurses laugh and I look down. I hear the nurses start to walk in different directions, then I hear the sound of the chair next to me being sit on. I turn my head and see Mindy. She turns to me and smiles wide.

"Hey, you okay?"

I nod my head, not exactly feeling down, just waiting for Tegan to come out. I hear the sound of Metal doors starting to open, hitting the walls so the doors stay open. I lift my head up and see the first 3 patient's doors open already, the patients already walking out. I felt my heart flutter at the thought of seeing Tegan, I couldn't wait to talk to her, I was even thinking about buying her a present, but I have to ask her what she likes, I could pick it up after my shift or tomorrow. The thing that sucks about today though, is that Doctor Renolds ordered me to a four hour shift today, he said he wanted me to prepare for Tegan. He wants me to clear out my room of any harmful objects, nothing sharp, just make sure that everythings safe for her. Usually I would complain or argue, telling him I'm fine, but I had to think about Tegan. I needed to make my apartment safe for her, so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable or tempted, and so I wouldn't have to worry about that.

As the patients started to walk into the lounge, some smiling, some still sleepy, I smile at them, watching their faces light up once they see the snacks. Im pretty sure its very rare here that they get sugar cookies, cupcakes, cakes, candy, basically, stomach aches on a tray. More patients came trailing in and all I could do is try to search through the small amount of girls, trying to find Tegan, but when the crowd starts to die down, I start to wonder. Cathy and Holly both walk out of the hall and into the lounge, Holly turns to me and smiles.

"1st Hall down, Next Hall."

I nod and think, maybe I just didn't see Tegan. I again, search through the small crowd at the snack table and couch, finding no one with bandaged arms, dark tattoos, and shoulder length hair. I turn my head over to Mindy, watching her as she types away on the computer in front of her.

"Hey Mindy?"

She turns her head and looks at me,another smile playing her face.

"Yea?"

I sit back in my chair and turn it to her.

"How long have you worked here?"

I ask her, she looks around and sits back in her chair, scoffing. She starts to laugh, looking up at the ceiling, probably trying to remember.

"I think 3 years?"

She says. I giggle as she starts to laugh, nodding her head.

"Yea 3 years."

I nod and she smiles, shaking her head a little bit.

"Sorry, I just forget . . . time flies when you work here."

I nod and laugh, knowing just how true that is. After only working here for a week, going on two, I feel like I've been here for a while.

"But do you like it here?"

I ask her, calming down and sitting back in my chair again. She takes in a deep breath, starting to shrug.

"Yea. . . I mean it wasn't exactly my dream job but . . . It pays the bills."

I nod and look down to the desk, looking at a stack of paperwork.

"Why, do you like it here?"

I lift my head up and look at her. I did like it here, but then I didn't. I liked that Tegan was here, but I didn't like it because of Cathy and Judy, they seemed so mean and they acted like they ruled the Ward, even though, by law, they did.

"You know . . . Its different from what I expected . . . but I do."

She nods and reaches for the power button on the computer screen, pressing it and sitting back again, looking at me.

"Yea, I felt the same way . . . You do get used to it though."

I nod my head and she sighs.

"So . . . we heard your taking Tegan for the Vacation?"

I felt my nerves rise as the words fell from her mouth, they weren't laced with scorn, they weren't tainted with annoyance, it was just a regular question, but it made me shiver.

"Who told you?"

I ask, she sits up and looks at the desk, grabbing a small stack of papers and flipping through each one, finally grabbing one paper and pulling it out of the bunch. She hands me the paper and sits back in her chair.

"She got her first notice to leave the Ward for vacation."

I look down to the paper, scimming it. The paper had little boxes to check off stuff, but what caught my eye the most, was the handwritten print on the space below. It was a small note from Doctor Renolds.

_Tegan Rain Quin- No Clothes In Storage_

I look up from the paper and look at Mindy, shes just sitting there, bititng her nails.

"Why did he put the no clothes comment?"

I ask her, she looks up from her nails and I turn the paper to her, letting her see his comment.

"Oh, she doesn't have clothes to go home in, so were releasing her in a new scrub set."

That was weird? Why wouldn't she have clothes, all patients come in clothes? Couldn't she just use the ones they took from her when they admitted her?

"Well what about the clothes she had on when se was admitted, Can't she use those?"

Mindy shakes her head and looks at me, no expression on her face at all.

"She didn't."

Was all she said, going back to biting her nails. She didn't what?

"Huh?"

"She didn't come in clothes, she was naked . . . at least that's what Cathy and Judy told me, she only came in a police blanket."

She shrugs and I felt my heart just fall to the ground.

"They said she had cuts and bruises all over her body, she was just a wreck, but she had no clothes, until they gave her the scrubs."

I couldn't believe it, I just couldn't. My heart was hurting, literally hurting, what happened, how did she even get admitted? I wanted to ask her, but maybe she wouldn't tell me, and from the looks of it, it seemed like she really didn't know. I was going to ask Doctor Renolds, but thats when his wife called, so I didn't ask, I just got out of there before he changed his mind.

"So, you don't really know that much about her then?"

I ask, taking a small chance. But my hopes fail when she shakes her head and shrugs.

"I don't work with her, only when I help out Cathy, Judy or Holly, but they know, they've been here longer than her."

I nod my head and look down, maybe I could ask Holly?

"But if you want, since your taking her, you can bring her clothes, maybe even a jacket, she literally has nothing."

I sigh and nod my head, already knowing what I could bring her of mine. I take in a deep breath and turn to the lounge, seeing some patients sitting on the couch, others probably in the Cafeteria, or in the halls. I look to the right hall, seeing Holly standing there, looking at the patients, then I realized, I haven't seen Tegan today, not yet. I look down at the small clock on the desk,it was already 11:15, she must think Im not here.

I turn to Mindy and smile at her.

"I'm gonna go ask Holly something real quick."

She nods and looks back down to her nails. I get up from my chair and take small baby steps, making my way over to Holly. When I get a couple of feet away from her, she see's me and smiles wide.

"Hey."

I smile and stand next to her, turning my head and looking down the hall, some patients were sittind down in front of their open doors. I look more down and notice Tegans door was wide open too.

"Hey . . . what are you doing?"

I ask, keeping my eyes on the dented door, wondering where she was.

"Not looking at Tegans door."

She says. I whip my head back to her and she's smiling. I felt the pit of my stomach jolt as she lets out a deep breath.

"I wasn't . . . I was just wondering where she was, she's not out here."

I say, she nods and looks behind her shoulder, checking on the patients behind her sitting on the floor.

"She never comes out of her room for these things, never has and never will."

I look back over to the door and sigh, that ment she was just sitting in there, alone.

"You really care for her, don't you?"

I turn my head and look at her. She's looking at me, with something different in her eyes, like a look of sympathy, because she knew my answer, it was written right on my face, I cared for her.

"I saw it Sara, the day you held her and she asked you to not let anyone near her . . . I heard you ."

I watched her as she turned her head to Tegans door, looking at it and taking another deep breath.

"I heard you say you wouldn't let us . . ."

It's like she knew that it was her fault, this was basically her confession, without exactly saying it flat out. She looks at me and smiles.

"Wanna go see her?"

I felt a small smile play my lips as I nodded. She looks around and looks over to Mindy, sitting at the desk, still biting away at her nails.

"She must be hungry."

Holly says. I laugh and she giggles.

"Can I take her some snacks?"

I look over at the snack table, almost empty already. Holly sigh and looks at me.

"Im not supposed to let them eat in the rooms . . . if I do you have to clean up her mess?"

I nod my head and she nods. I smile and start to walk over to the snack table, looking over the left over contents. I pick up a small green plate and grab a cupcake, 3 sugar cookies, a couple of little chocolate kisses, a lolipop and a small juicebox. I slip the juicebox inside my shirt pocket and walk back over to Holly. She looks down and laughs.

"Trying to put her in a sugar coma?"

I giggle and look down at the food, it was alot of sugar, but I think she'll like it, I hope she does.

"Look Cathy won't be out until 12, she's going on break and your gonna work Caf, so I need you to be out of that room before 12, okay?"

I nod my head, reaching into my pocket and pulling out my phone,looking at the time, I had a good 30 minutes with her.

"Okay, go on."

I smile and she smiles back, taking a little hersheys kiss from the plate and opening the tinfoil, popping it into her mouth. I laugh and she motions her head in the direction of Tegans room. I turn my body and start to walk down the hall, smiling at the thought of seeing Tegan. I keep walking and soon im only 2 steps away from her door. I slowly walk up to it, hoping to suprise her, but stop in my tracks when I see her.

Tegan POV:

I look around my small room and sigh. I didn't like Christmas Celebrations, every year we had one, and every year I sat in my room, never once comming out. I always felt uncomfortable around everyone, why would I go out and celebrate Christmas with people who 1 - Didn't like me, and 2 - who treated me bad? I didn't want that.

I bring my knees up to my chest and let my head fall onto my knees, slowly closing my eyes. I was expecting Sara to come though, she told me she would be here today. After the party started, I thought she would come and see me, talk to me about the weekend, like she promised, but she hasn't yet. Im starting to think maybe I shouldn't go though. I want to, I really do . . . its just , Im scared. I haven't been outside these four walls in 6 years, what was I going to do when I hit the outside world, what was I going to do when temptation hit me in the face, what was I going to do when Sara regrets taking me?

"Sara . . ."

I felt the panick start to rip through my whole body, making my breathing start to become short and chest became tight as I tried to breath, but it was all stuck in my lungs, like someone had their hands wrapped around them, squeezing them so I couldn't breathe.

"Sara . . . "

I whimpered, trying to call out for her, wishing she was here, I just needed to feel her hand with mine, that was it. I just needed to know she was here, but she wasn't and that scared me more. She wasn't here for me when I needed her like this, she was there for a while, but before she came, I went through these things on my own.

I struggled as my body started to shake, making me even more scared. Where was she? Suddenly, I felt my matress dip, then arms wrap around my back. The comfort crashed down on me, and in that moment, I knew exactly who it was, It was Sara. She brang a certain feeling to me whenever she was around, I just knew it was her.

"Tegan Breathe, come on, breathe."

I took in her words and wrapped my arms around her back, feeling the soft material under my palms. I take in a deep breath, the hands loosening their grip on my lungs and a letting me inhale.

"Give me your hand."

She whispers, without hesitation, I bring one hand inbetween us and felt one hand slide off my back, then I felt her palm hit mine. At the smae time, we bent our fingers and locked eachother together, making me completely realx, I was gone. I took in another deep breath and rubbed my head into her chest, feeling my safeness hit me hard. How could I have gone so long without this? How could I have survived every panick attack, every bad dream, every bad thought, without this, without _her_? I don't understand it.

Her thumb slowly started to move on the back of my hand and I felt my eyes slowly open against her chest, letting my see nothing but darkness, but I knew it was her. My breathing started to grow steady as she rocked us and held my hand.

Suddenly, I felt her warm, soft cheek lay on my temple. I felt my eyes close again as I started to think about how this felt.

"Tegan, im right here okay?"

I didn't want to ask her if she was going to stay, I just knew that right now, I needed to feel her. I nod my head and feel her hot breath on my ear. As each breath hit, my body just completely throbbed all over. She was so safe, so warm, she was just . . . . I don't know . . .

"Sara . . . "

I mumbled into her skin, finally feeling like I was supposed to be here. It wasn't a question to get her attention, It was just for me, but I know she heard it, because I felt the grip on my hand get tighter.

"I know . . . I have you."

She says. My smile started to rise against her chest, as each word sunk into me. _I have you_. I slowly turn my head to the side, making our cheeks touch now, and the spark shoot through my body. As my lips touched the skin under her jaw, I felt her pulse beat againt my lips, then I hear it. As my ear layed against her chest, I could hear the light thumps and feel them.

"How does it sound?"

She whispers. I started to get confused, what was she talking about?

"My heart . . ."

She whispers into my ear, making my eyes close. As I focused on the faint thump, I couldn't help but form all the words in my head, but only one stuck out, to describe exactly how it sounds.

"Beautiful."

I say with a small sigh. I hear a small chuckle in my ear and smile. She snuggles her cheek into mine and sighs.

"Tegan . . . I only have a couple of minutes . . ."

I knew why too, Cathy always told nurses to stay at their posts, watch over the patients, so I didn't want her to get in trouble.

"I wish you could stay longer . . ."

I mumble into her neck and slowly start to pull away. I felt her grip on my back loosen and my heart slowly twitch at the feeling. As I started to move back to the wall, I started to pull my hand, thinking that maybe I should take that too, but her grip gets tighter. I lift my head up and look at her, she's looking down at out hands, shaking her head.

I slowly curled my fingers back down and she smiled at me, making my heart jump out of my chest. She takes a deep breath and looks at me, her eyes locking with mine. She drops her head back to the wall and just keeps looking at me.

I look down and suddenly hear her voice.

"Are you nervous?"

She asks me. Without turning my head, I nod and remember the panick I had inside me just minutes ago. Her grip gets tighter and I sigh.

"I promise I won't let anything happen . . . I'll never let you out of my sight if that helps?"

She says with a small chuckle. I smile and turn my head to her, hoping she would keep that promise too. She calms down and takes in a deep breath.

"It's does help . . . "

I mumble under my breath. She smiles and turns her whole body to me, sitting cross legged. She looks down and lifts our hands up from my sheets, slowly putting them on her lap. She trails her eyes from our hands, up to my gauze. She closes her eyes slowly, probably imagining them, what they look like now. In that moment, I wanted to feel her lips on them, just like before, but I didn't want to ask this time, I was too embarrassed this time.

She opens her eyes and lets out a large exhale, lifting her head up and smiling at me.

"What do you want for Christmas?"

She says, a small weak smile on her face. I felt my cheeks grow red as she looked at me.

"You don't have to get me anything Sara . . ."

I mumble to her. She shakes her head and scoots closer to me.

"I said . . . what do you want for Christmas, but it has to be safe."

She smiles bigger. I shake my head and smile at her, trying to tell her that I didn't need anything, especially since I couldn't get her anything in return, it would feel wrong.

"Sara please . . . I dont need a present."

She sighs and drops her head. I squeeze her hand and she loosk up.

"You have already done alot . . ."

It was the truth, she may have not noticed, but her just being around was a gift to me. She knew how to comfort me, she knew how to talk to me, she just knew. She's done enough, I didn't need anymore.

"Are you sure?"

I smile and nod my head at her, she looks down and nods.

"I should get going, but I'll come in before I leave okay?"

She keeps her gaze on our hands and I reply.

"Okay. . ."

"Then tomorrow . . . I'll be here to pick you up."

She says, smiling. I get a nervous jolt in the pit of my stomach as I take a deep breath, remembering the world, reality.

"And were gonna spend Christmas together . . ."

She finishes it off and I smile. I can't help but smile around her right now, she was saying so many things that just triggered me, but I loved it. My cheeks were starting to hurt because of it.

She sighs and starts to unravel our hands from eachother, lingering her palm to mine as long as she can. She finally pulls her hand back and I place mine back into my lap.

"I'll be back."

She shifts and starts to slowly crawl off the bed, climbing to the edge and dropping her feet to the floor. She turns around and looks down to the floor, bending down and picking something up. I watch her as she stands back up, a small plate in her hands, she turns around and grabs something from the plate. She picks it up and I see a white cupcake with blue forsting on it, she holds it out to me and smiles.

"Cupcake?"

I smile and reach out, grabbing it. Its been a while since I've had sweets, 7 years to be exact. I bring the cupcake to my lap and keep my eyes on her.

"Want some cookies too?"

She asks. I shake my head and she nods, slowly turning around and walking to the door. Once her feet stepped out into the hallway, I felt myself starting to miss her already. She turns around and smiles at me. I smile at her again and she turns on her heals, slowly walking away.

I look down to my cupcake and smile, I forgot how they taste, how sweet they could be. I slowly bring my fingers up to the cup, slowly peeling off the paper and bringing the bread to my mouth. I take a bite and feel my tastebuds explode, I don't remember cupcakes being this good, never.

Sara POV:

I turn my head and look at the clock on the desk. 5 more minutes until I get to clock out, check on Tegan before I go, then go home and get everything ready for her visit.

"So, we heard about your little visitor for the Vacation."

Cathy says, leaning against the nurses desk and looking at me. The look in her eyes was filled with so much hate for Tegan, I could see it. Thats one reason I hated leaving Tegan too, because I saw what Cathy did to her, the first day I got here, I wonder what she did when I wasn't here.

"Yea?"

I say, getting up from the chair, turning around and walking to my cubby. I search for my name, finding it and grabbing my official stamp card.

"Your gonna take care of her, all by yourself?"

The annoyance in her voice is so ugly, I just wanted to look at her and roll my eyes, but I couldn't so instead, I just place my card under the stamper, hearing the light clunck and pulling the card out of the slot.

"You make it sound like she's a handfull?"

I say, knowing what her answer will be. Truth was, she probably gave them a hard time, but not me.

"She is Sara, you've been here for a week, I don't think your capable of taking her with you, especially out there, she doesn't deserve those special rights."

I felt the anger inside my body rise, how did she not deserve that right? She was a patient, maybe A little more _**different **_from the rest, but she was still a patient, with the same damn right as everyone else here.

"Well Doctor Renolds and I discussed it, I go by him, not you. She deserves that right just as the rest of them, and to be honest, I don't care if I've been here for a week Cathy, she's not a handfull for me, maybe for you, but not for me."

Before I could even think about what I had said, all eyes were on me. I look around and see Mindys eyes wide, Hollys eyes Wide, and Wendy's eyes wide. Cathy on the other hand, had a totally different expression. She was staring right at me, her eyes piercing right into mine. I couldn't take it back because it was the truth, but I had to say something, she was my boss basically.

"Cat-"

"When you come back from your Vacation Sara . . . I'll be standing right here waiting for you to tell me just how much of a handfull she is, your a rookie sweety, wait until you see what I'm talking about, you won't last here for long, so don't get to comfortable."

I look at her and she scoffs, grabbing something from the nurses desk and walking away. I couldn't believe what just happened. I felt my heart race as my lungs started to swell. I got into a small heated arguement with my boss, someone who has the power to fire me.

I look around and see Holly looking at Mindy, both of their mouths open. I let out a deep breath and shake my head, I didn't need to listen to her, I knew Tegan well enough to know that she wasn't a handfull, she was just different, and I could handle different.

"Holly, I'll see you tomorrow. . "

Without another word, I slowly start to walk away, trying my best not to think about what just happened, how I stuck up for Tegan like she was my number one priority. It felt good, but I couldn't let something like that slip, I could lose my job, I could lose my apartment, I would never see Tegan again, I had to be more careful.

As I rounded the corner and stepped into the hall, I closed my eyes, feeling the stress run over my body. I really wish I would have thought about what I said. I shouldnt have snapped, fuck.

I open my eyes and keep walking, remembering to go to Tegans door before I leave. I slowly walk to her door and peek my head inside, seeing her body curled up in a ball on her bed. In that moment, every hint of anger, stress and worry lifted from my body. I look at her face, holding back a small whimper, as I see the blue frosting on the corner of her lips. She was so innocent, so lost though . . .

I slowly walk inside of her room, trying my best not to wake her, and sit down on the edge of her bed. I look down and smile, looking at the frosting still, she must have loved that cupcake. As I stared at her, I could hear Cathy's words ring through my head. I saw nothing though, everything Cathy said was wrong to me, I knew Tegan in a way that Cathy didn't, I knew that I didn't treat Tegan the way everyone else did, thats why she wasn't a handfull with me, thats why she lets me hold her, lets me talk to her, it's because she knows I wouldn't hurt her, I was here to help.

I bring my hand up and slowly rest my palm onto her cheek, feeling her cold skin under my hot flesh, she seemed like she was dead, like she was gone, and it made my emotions stir. A small tear formed in my eye as my cheeks started to grow red, my eyes blinking and my brothers face replacing hers. I felt the tear break the damn and suddenly, tears were streaming down my face.

"You remind me so much of him Tegan . . ."

I whisper to her, my voice cracking. I tried my best to smile as Bryans face rested there. I slowly slid my hand further back and pushed her hair back, seeing her face perfectly now, Bryan was gone.

"I'll be here tomorrow to pick you up . . . I promise."

I whisper to her, knowing she wouldn't say anything, but still keeping my promise from this morning and telling her I'll be here tomorrow. I lean down and softly place my lips on her cheek, feeling the cold run under my lips. I close my eyes and let my lips linger there, trying to find out how anyone couldn't understand her, how people handled her the way they did, how she looked to _me _for comfort.

I slowly pull away and look at her,the frosting still making me smile. I trail my eyes down to her arms, seeing the dark ink under her white long sleeve thermal. Maybe one day,she would tell me what they ment to her, why she got them, and if she regrets them . . . one day.

I remove my hand from her hair and sigh.

"I promise."

I whisper, slowly getting up from the bed and standing at the edge. I take one last look, again burning her into my memory, it had become my favorite one now, not only because of the frosting, but because of the things that I just said to her, I ment it all even though it really didn't have any significance in them , I just cherished every word I said to her.


	9. No One Else Could (Part 1)

Authore Note: Guys, don't hate me, please? I'm sorry for the delay, I know a week is a long time, but you have no idea what has happened to me since my last update, things have gone downhill for me and my mom. I wasn't in the mood to write for a while, which I do every single day, I just needed some time to think things through, and I did. I realized that writing was a way for me to express myself, so last night, I whipped this Chapter up, and it made me fee alot better. This Chapter is two parts, so hopefully I get to post the other one in 2 days, after I write it and edit it. They take place on the same day, when Tegan gets to Saras, so remember that. Also, I would like to tell THANK YOU's to the people who asked if I was okay, Im not emotionally, but physically, yes I am. I put alot of heart into this chapter, the whole two parts, so I really hope you do like them, honestly, this one is probably my favorite out of them all. Another thing, I got 35 reviews in the last Chapter, and I read them all, and I loved them all, and to the person who said they missed me, I'm sorry T_T. Anyways, Please REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW & ENJOY.

**Songs of the Chapter :** Telepop Music-Just Breathe, El Perro Del Mar- From The Valley to the Stars, and Shivaree- I will Go Quietly.

Chapter 9: No One Else Could (Part 1)

Tegan POV:

I turn my head to the side, looking out into the hall through the doorway. The empty halls making only one sound, 2 nurses walking around. I keep my eyes on the big gated window in the hall, that was the closest I had ever been to the _outside _in 6 years. A nurse passes by my room and I hear the iron gate creek open and close. As the other nurses footsteps become low, I look back down to the wrinkled sheets under my toes, watching them scrunch up underneath my skin. Today was the day I was leaving, I was leaving the four walls that have taken their time and effort to Drive me crazy.

The sound of the Metal gate closing makes me turn my head back to the door, now hearing more footsteps then 2 regular nurses, they were clicking, like tap dance shoes, clicking with each step. I trail my eyes down to the glare on the floor, seeing the piercing reflection of the sun shine through the window.

"Okay, change of plans."

I hear a deep voice say, the steps getting louder now. By the sound of the shoes, and the sound of the voice, it was clear to me that is was Doctor Renolds. My eyes started to close, not really wanting to see him right now, only Sara, I just _wanted _to see Sara.

"Tegan."

My attemps fail, and his voice rings through my ears, making me silently groan to myself. I open my eyes and look up, seeing him standing in the middle of my doorway, in regular clothes, a set of jeans and a tucked in blue button up, with a big jacket on. He looks at me and smiles, slowly taking a couple of steps inside the room. When he gets near the bed, he lowers his body down and sits on the edge, turning his body to me. I keep my position, sitting against the wall and wrap my arms around me knees, hugging them close to me.

"Tegan, theres been a change of plans."

He looks at me and smiles. My heart starts to race as the thought of me _never _leaving hits, Sara wasn't comming. I feel the small tear form in the corner of my eye, realizing I must look like a fool if I thought she was actually going to take me, that she actually gave a shit about me. But I felt it, at least I _thought _I did.

"I will be driving you to Sara's house. I took the liberty of calling her this morning, and telling her that you will be arriving at 3:30 today, so right now it is-"

He extends his arm and brings it up to his face, using his other hand to pull back the jacket, looking down at the fancy watch on his wrist.

"2:45, wow time flies."

He says, turning his attention back over to me. He looks down to my sheets and smiles again. I look back down and mentally smile to myself, I was still going to see Sara.

"So, I brought you a pair of shoes and a jacket from my house, the shoes might be a little big but they will do for now."

I didn't care what I had to wear, I just wanted to leave already, I wanted to get away from Cathy, the patients, him, I just wanted to be _free_.

"Holly's going to bring you the clothes and shoes, so you get dressed and stay inside your room after, I will come and get you, and we'll walk down to the company Van together."

I felt the pit of my stomach start to bubble, the small bubbles popping make me slightly shiver. _Sara_.

My matress dips and I turn my head, seeing him standing up. He turns on his heels and heads for the door, the clicking of his dressy shoes making their presence known.

"I'll be back, get ready."

He says, right as he walks out of my room and turns down the hall, leaving me. As his shoes fade, his voice does too, stepping into the rest of the rooms and checking on the other patients. I hear another set of footsteps, only this time, they're light and soft. As they get closer, I imagine that they're Sara, just to help my nerves calm a little bit. I picture her in her olive green pants, the ones that are a pretty color against her pale white skin, her white shoes that squeek against the floor, her hair, always up in a messy cute ponytail, and her bangs, sweeping across her forhead, I just wanted to see her already.

"Here's your clothes Tegan."

I open my eyes, not even aware of when I closed them and turn my head to the door, seeing Holly standing in the middle of my doorway, a set of white clothes in one hand, and a big poofy winter jacket in the other, and a pair of white shoes dangling from her fingers. She doesn't look at me, she just keeps her head down as she enters my room fully and makes her way over to my bed. She stops at the foot of the bed and still, avoids my gaze as she places everything down on the edge. She turns on her heels and without another word, she walks to my door and turns her body, walking down the hall.

Since that day, the day she ignored my cries, she hasn't looked at me in the eyes, not once. When she esscorts me to the showers, when she brings me my new clothes, never does she look me in the eyes, why though? She couldn't feel guilty, why would she? Out of all the years she's been here, she's only been around once for my shocks, maybe the image of me scared her, but thats good, I want the image of me to scare her . . . because that means she knows what she did.

I look down to the pile of clothes, seeing the pair of white shoes first, they look a little like Saras, only they have laces. I reach out and grab them, bringing them to my lap and picking one up, looking it over. I turn the shoe to the back, seeing the small scuff marks on the white souls, the little dirt stains on the white material, they must be his daughters shoes. I look at the back and see a small red logo, the same as Sara's shoes, but what brand where they? The logo looked familiar, but I just couldn't get it. I bring the shoes closer to my face, seeing the small letters written inside the red patch. I sigh and drop them down to my lap, bringing my hands up to my face, covering my eyes, was I really ready for this?

As my mind asked myself that question, all I could think about, was Sara. I told her that I didn't want her to leave, that I didn't want to go for so long without seeing her face, I probably couldn't do it, even if I tried. I am ready for this, as long as I know Im not going through this on my _own_.

I grab the shoes and place them to the side, reaching out with my other hand and grabbing the big poofy winter jacket, putting it with the shoes. Under them are my new pair of white scrubs. I grab the shirt first, bringing it up and letting it unfold. Something falls out when the shirt becomes loose, I look down and see a white Thermal, rolled up. I smile at my favorite piece of clothing and set the scrub shirt on my lap, grabbing the thermal and unraveling it. Without minding that my door is open, I reach down and grab the hem of my shirt, slowly lifting it up and over my head, gently placing it on my bed. I look down to my bare chest, seeing small scars covering my skin, making me turn my head away and scold myself for even looking at it, knowing how many memories it brings back, and that was something I didn't want, not now.

I grab my thermal and put it on, feeling the loose material cover my body, instantly warming me up. I grab my scrub shirt and pull it over my thermal, letting it hang loosely on my body, the way it normally does. I reach out and grab my pants, clutching the white material in my hands as I slowly crawl to the edge of the bed. I stand up and throw them over my shoulder, going through a normal routine, when dressing and undressing myself. I grab the material on my thighs and pull them down to my knees, letting them fall on their own. I kick them to the side, and grab the new set of pants on my shoulder, unfolding them and looking down. I close my eyes and sigh, I hated the sight of my stained body, tainted in scars and ink, the ink I didn't care about, they all held a personal story for me, whether it was good or bad, but the scars, they didn't have an excuse to be there, they just were.

I flutter my eyes open and shake the images starting to form in my head away, seeing Mikes face between my legs. I start to panick as I look down to one of the scars on my inner thigh, I didn't want to see them. I look away and quickly put the pants on, knowing if I look down at my skin, I would surely breakdown, and I didn't want to, not when I was minutes away from leaving.

I look down at my fully clothed body, feeling a small sense of calmness not having to see my past on display. I take in a deep breath and look at the shoes on the bed, deciding I should just put them on now, and the jacket on when I leave. I turn my body around and sit on the edge of the bed, reaching behind me and grabbing the shoes. I set one on the side and bring the other one to the floor. I untie the laces and place my foot in the whole, feeling them slip right in. I wiggle my toes inside, feeling the limited space my toes have to roam, I haven't worn shoes in years, they felt so . . . foreign. I grab the other one and untie it, placing it on the floor and slipping my foot in, again, wiggling my toes around, it felt so weird. I look down to them and see the long laces, sprawled all on the floor. After 6 years of walking around barefoot I never had to worry about tieing shoes, because I never wore them anymore.

I sit there and keep my eyes on them for a while trying to remember getting ready for the day, back when I was a teen, lacing up my converse and tieing them, tucking the extra laces inside the shoe.

I sigh and reach down, grabbing one set of laces and tucking them into the sides of the shoe, making sure they're tucked in tight. I move to the other laces, doing the exact same thing, when they're done, I sit up and look down at them, feeling so stupid for not remembering something that used to be so easy for me. As I look down at my shoes, I hear Doctor Renolds familiar shoes,the small clicking sound with each step, he was back, that ment I was leaving. I look down to my shoes and smile, not caring anymore that I forgot how to tie a pair of laces, just focusing on Sara, and her soft warm hands.

"Tegan, are you ready to go?"

I lift up my head and turn it to the side, seeing Doctor Renolds in my doorway again. He looks at me and smiles, making me smile a little too. I nod my head and he gives me one stern nod before slowly entering my room. He walks to the edge of my bed and lifts both of his hands up from his sides, and places them in his front pockets, slowly turning his body around and sitting on the edge of the bed, facing me. He sighs heavily and looks at me.

"Tegan, before we leave . . . I should maybe talk to you about some stuff, okay?"

I nod my head, knowing the usual talk he gives to me, every single time we meet in his office. I slowly lower my head down and wait for his routine speech, the thought of being with Sara taking over.

"You haven't been out of this building in 6 years, going on 7 Tegan, and Im really worried about whats going to happen over this small vacation, even though I trust Sara, as a Doctor , Im still worried."

He inhales a bunch of air, only to release is that same way, heavy.

"Over this time Tegan, she might want to take you out, maybe show you some things around the city that's changed, or even the car ride over there _now_, your going to see a lot of things that you might not be able to handle, and I need you, when that happens, to let her know. Her job is to keep you safe, so don't worry about making her feel uncomfortable or hurting her, your safety does come first to her, she knows that."

I keep my eyes on the white sheets under my body, something finally hitting me.

"But, I do want you to have fun, so just be safe Tegan, and don't cause any harm to yourself or Sara, she's a good nurse, her old boss even said so, so I don't want to lose her."

He chuckles lightly as his words _finally _hit me hard. I was on my way to Sara's, knowing she wasn't going to let me face the world alone, holding her to her promise, but what about my journey there? Sara was supposed to pick me up, take me out in the world for the first time in 6 years, she was the one who was supposed to show me reality again, she was supposed to be there to hold my hand once my feet touched the outside of this building, but she wasn't.

My nerves became shot as I finally realized it, I wasn't ready to leave. I couldn't, not without her being right next to me, telling me she wasn't leaving, telling me she was right here to stay, that I wouldn't face this world alone.

My lips start to tremble and my palms slowly become wet, the sweat gathering in the centers. _She wasn't going to be here. _The hands around my lungs start to slowly wrap each finger around my tubes again, letting me feel each one get tighter than the other.

"We're leaving in 5 minutes, so put your jacket on, we just have to wait for Ralph, is there anything you want to ask me about, any thing I should know before you leave?"

My mind starts to form unreadable sentences, forming non existing words in my mind, how was I going to do this. As I tried to steady my breathing, trying my best to not let Doctor Renolds see the panick in me, only one thing came to mind as a resolution, but not every resolution has a good effect. I push the thought away from my mind, but it comes back, banging the side of my brain even harder, telling me this was the _only _way I could do this, that was the only way I could survive that ride.

"Im scared Doctor Renolds . . ."

I whisper, feeling one small brick fall from my wall, I had to tell him, if I asked him flat out to do this for me, he would say no.

"I know Tegan . . . if you want . . . I can stay, thats not a problem."

I didn't want to stay, I wanted to go, I just didn't want to face my first time in the outside world, alone, not without Sara, not without her comfort, that was the only thing that I was looking foward to, facing all of this . . . with _her_.

I feel my nerves rattle as I form the sentence, or question, in my mouth, letting it linger on the tip of my tongue, deciding whether or not I was ready for the pain.

"I wanna go . . . I do . . . I just . . . can you _**sedate **_me?"

As the words leave my mouth, I realize that it was in fact, the only way to do this. If he were to sedate me, I would wake up with Sara, not knowing how I got there, just knowing that I was safe with her.

"You want me to sedate you?"

I take a deep breath and nod, feeling the pain in my arm already stinging from the needle. As his heavy breaths hit the open air, I couldn't help but feel so lost, so vulnerable. I hated needles, that's not something new, every nurse here knows, but here I was, asking him, ready to get down on my knees and beg him if I had to, not to let me face this world, alone and conscious.

"Maybe I should stay, I can call Sara and tell her that it's best fo-"

"No, I want to go Doctor Renolds . . . just please . . . understand why I don't wanna face the world yet . . . that I want to hide from the small amount of reality I'll be facing alone . . ."

I feel like coward, having to ask this of him, but it was for me, I wanted to go, I just needed him to understand. I hear him take in another deep breath and slowly, let it out. I keep my eyes one the sheets, trying to process everything in my mind, finding this situation very calm.

"Okay . . ."

I lift my head up and see him and looking at me, no smile on his face, no frown, just a worn out blank expression of a tired old man, trying his best not to worry. He places his hands on his knees and grunts, slowly lifting himself up from my bed. He stands up straight, turning towards the door and walking to it. He peeks his head out in the hall and stays there.

"Holly, will you get me a sedater please, and call Ralph, tell him to ask Ted to come up an help me in Tegans rooms, also . . . grab her blanket from her storage."

I close my eyes and try to take steady inhales, but each one seems to be more shakey then tha last. I bring both of my hands into my lap and lay one palm facing up, trying to find some source of comfort, trying to trick my mind, making me think that Saras was ready to hold my hand.

I bring my other hand over to my palm, lazily hovering over it, trying to picture Sara behind my eyelids, her pretty smile, her warm hands, her soft grip, the beat of her heart. I slowly lower my palm and feel nothing, maybe I was smarter than I thought, maybe my mind only plays certain tricks on me.

"Alright, Tegan I'm gonna need to see your arm."

I open my eyes and lift up my head, seeing Docrtor Renolds at the foot of my bed. I trail my eyes down and stop at his hand, resting against his thigh, the unpackaged, loaded sedater in his grip. I feel a small whimper in my throat, but push it back down, trying not to be sacred of it, It was my only way out, it was my only way to Sara.

"Heres her blanket, and the boys said they'll be on their way up right now, just let them get their jackets."

I hear Hollys voice, I turn my head to the side, seeing her leaning against my door frame, for the first time since shocks, staring right at me. The look in her eyes was different, like a small amount of sympathy for me, something I saw alot when I first got here, but I haven't seen that look in years, not until Sara came, now it's all I want from her.

I look at Holly, studying her face as she pierces my eyes with hers, I remember first meeting her too, she was somewhere around my age, maybe a couple years older, but she was the nice one to me. She used to make sure I ate well, and was always clean, but thats when I got here, and that lasted for about a month, before it came time for her to sedate me for the first time, I couldn't stand to look at her as she shook her head when I asked her not to, when they pinned me down and slammed my head against the floor, giving me a huge scar on my forhead, she didn't stop. Thats why I'm scared with Sara, I wasn't used to that kind of affection, even though Holly was around for that first month, she never held my hand, she never held me, she never placed her fingers through my hair and ran them against my scalp, she never sang to me, she never did that, and what amazes me, is that a complete stranger did, Sara did. Holly has known me for years, she sedates me, she watches me for my showers, she sometimes esccorts me places, but Sara, she knows me better than any of these nurses here, because she took the time to just ask one question, and she took the time to wrap her arms around me when I cried.

"Which arm do you want, left or right?"

I look back to Doctor Renolds, seeing his hand slowly rise, stopping at his shoulder, letting me see perfectly, the long, loaded syringe. I take a deep breath, already knowing what arm doesn't bruise as bad and look down, the white gauze stopping right under the spot. Doctor Renolds sits down on the edge and scoots a little back, lightly patting the bed, signaling for me to lay down. I slowly move my limbs, stretching my legs out, keeping them together and they touch the foot of my bed, laying my back down on the worn out matress, feeling my body ache a little. I rest my head on the pillow and close my eyes, extending my left arm out to him, gasping as his hands come in contact with my skin.

As the moment lingers, I couldn't help the small tears forming behind my eyelids. I was asking him to hand me my biggest fear, not on a silver platter though, but on my state of consciousness, I was asking him to put me to sleep.

"Okay, hold still."

As his fingers danceds across the thermal, they slowly pulled up the shirt, revealing my tracks and gauze. Just like before, I felt the cold needle lay down lightly on my skin, sending the most of shivers and tingles up my back, why was I doing this? I couldnt believe it now, I couldn't believe I asked _him _to do it either.

"Ahh."

The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting, making me whimper out in pain as the cold rushes through my veins, letting me feel it move. My eyes roll back under my lids, feeling the needle slowly slide, out, making the first tear break. What have I done?

"Okay, cover her up and turn off her lights, I'm gonna have Ted take her downstairs for me."

His voice starts to fade as my eyes slowly and lazily flutter open. The ceiling, the most clear thing, was a blurr, my eyes slowly fluttering shut. As the liquid runs through my veins, I think of this familiar feeling, the time I first learned how to detect a vein, the time I first wrapped a rubber strip around my arm and pulled it tight, the first time I slapped my arms, trying to see the veins bulge underneath my skin, it was all back, and in that moment, I couldn't control my lips anymore.

"It still feels the same . . ."

I whisper, my eyes slowly falling, my breathing becomming steady.

Sara POV:

I take a sip of my coffee, feeling the steaming hot liquid run down my throat. I reach out and set it on the coffee table, pulling my hand back and slowly laying down. As my body gets use to the cold leather, I stare up at the ceiling, wondering what the Vacation was going to be like. When I got home from work yesterday, I put away all the groceries I bought from the supermarket, then I cleaned the kitchen. When that was done, I went around the whole house, and packed away all the 'Harmful' objects, then I took them down to my personal storage in the garage. After that, all that was left to do were the basics, cleaning, washing, and organzing. This morning was pretty basic too, I thought I had to rush to get everything ready by 2, to pick up Tegan by 3, then come back, but Doctor Renolds called, and said he would do me the favor of dropping her off, making it easier for the both of us.

I turn my head to the side and look at the big clock on my wall, letting the pointers tell me how long I have, until I have to go downstairs and meet them. I have exactly 10minutes, Doctor Renolds told me to be outside of my apartment building at 3:45. I take a deep breath, feeling my nerves hit me, making my spine tingle. I'm so nervous, but so excited. Not only was I not spending Christmas alone, but I was spending it with someone who, in the most _strangest _way, means alot to me already. I cleaned her cuts, I've held her close to me, let her feel my heart beat, kissed her cheek, soothed her, I've done alot, and in each action I've done, I have put my heart into it, I've put my heart into _her_. I understand now,_ because of her_, when they say it's the quiet ones that always want to scream, she's quiet, but behind her eyes, there is something so much more. If you look in them, really look at them and study the small specks of hazel that appear, you can see the pain, just stuck behind it all, and it makes me want to chase it. I wanna grab all the pain from them and hold it in my palms, slowy opening my hands and watching the pain bloom like a flower on a spring morning, I just wanted to know what she held behind her eyes.

I feel a small vibration in my front pocket, instantly smiling as I reach for it. I turn my head to the side and look at the time, maybe they're here early? I look back to my phone, seeing the screen light up, the familiar number showing. I sigh and press the call button, bringing the phone to my ear.

"Hello?"

"Sara?"

I smile at the sound of my old college friends voice.

"Hey LB !"

"Haha Hey Sar, how have you been?"

I look around my apartment and smile, thinking about my new job, Tegan, everything.

"I've been good . . . I got that job I texted you about, started last week."

I hear her gasp and I chuckle, Lindsey was always a happy person, sometimes too happy, but I kind of liked it. She was a person who was able to cheer you up, with just a simple smile, thats why she was my friend.

"Thats great Sar! You worked hard for it, you deserve it!"

"Thanks LB, and you, how are you doing?"

"Im fine, just been busy with the boys, and work. They made me head nurse too!"

I smile as her happiness radiates through the phone, making me feel the joy for her.

"Thats good LB, Is it what you expected?"

I hear a nervous chuckle and I laugh, knowing she had a pretty funny answer.

"Let me put it this way, I don't handle well under so much pressure, but I am getting used to it."

We both laugh and then I remember, I have something to do. I turn my head and look at the clock, 3:42.

"Hey LB, do you mind if I call you back, I have someone comming over for Christmas, and I need to meet them downstairs and get them settled in."

"Oh yea, sure no problem, just call me back when you get the chance."

"I will, love you LB."

"Love you too Sar, Bye."

I hear the other line click and I hang up. I place my phone back inside my pocket and sit up, looking around my apartment, everything was ready, all I needed, was Tegan. I stand up and start to move my legs, walking around my couch and to my bedroom. I open my bedroom door and walk in, heading straight to my closet. I look through the hangers, grabbing my black winter coat. I put it on and button it up, quickly making my way out of my room and to my front door.

I push open the lobby door, seeing the sidewalk filled with people, all late Christmas shoppers. I take in a deep breath as the cold air rushes passed me and in through the seems of my coat. I snuggle into my coat more, taking my first step out into the busy streets of Vancouver. I make my way past the shoppers, feeling some bump into me, saying their meaningless apologies and carrying on. I walk to the edge of the street, watching as the cars make their way through the snow, the pit of my stomach turning. In just a few minutes, Tegan was going to be here, with me. As the nerves started to rise, the joy started to creep it's way to my lips, making me smile.

I look out onto the street, trying to spot out the White Van with Blue letters on it, just like Doctor Renolds described to me. Maybe they were running a little late? I reach down into my pants pocket, retrieving my phone. I bring it up and place my thumb on my trackball, scrolling my way through my call log.

I hear a loud honk, making me lift my head up and look onto the street, a huge smile sweeping across my face. I see the White Van, the bright Navy Blue letters sprawled across the side. I put my phone into my coat pocket and watch as they put their blinker on, switching lanes and slowly driving to the empty space in front of me. After two minutes of perfecting their spot, the engine finally cuts, my stomach starting to flutter, she was here. I look over to the passenger seat, seeing Ted's face through the window. He turns his head and smiles at me as he opens the door.

"Hey Sara."

He gets out and closes the door, zipping up his jacket and tucking one hand inside his pocket.

"Hey Ted, come along for the ride?"

He chuckles softly and shrugs, walking over to the sliding door and reaching out to it.

"Something like that ."

I smile and watch his hand as he grips the big bulky plastic handle and tugs on it, the door clicking open. He starts to slide it slowly, my heart racing, knowing Tegan was behind that piece of metal. As the door slides, I peek my head to the side, trying to see inside the van, but can't, because of Ted. I get into my normal stand again and just wait, hearing the door slam into the locks, holding the door in place.

"Okay, come on in Ted."

I hear Doctor Renolds voice, watching as Ted slowly makes his way inside the Van. As he steps in and walks to the seat, I finally get a chance to look inside the van. I slowly make my way to the frame, placing one hand on the car and leaning in, my eyes wanting to melt as the sight in front of me plays. Ted standing on Tegans side, her body bundled up in a thick gray wool blanket, her head wrapped in the thick material, lightly resting on Doctor Renolds shoulder, she _fell _asleep.

I turn to Doctor Renolds, watching him as he mumbles some words to Ted, Ted slowly leaning down and nodding as he places one arm under her legs, and the other around her back. I would have woken up as soon as the engine cut, maybe she was just a real heavy sleeper.

"Wouldn't it be easier just to wake her up Doctor Renolds?"

I ask, seeing Ted explain to him what exactly he was going to do to get her out of the Van. Doctor Renolds turns to me and shakes his head lightly.

"Thats not possible, I wanted to call you on the way over here and tell you, but I left my phone at the office."

"Tell me what?"

I ask him, eyeing him as Ted finally lifts her up in his arms. I move out of the way and stand next to the door, watching Ted as he slowly turns around and walks to the edge of the door. He struggles for a quick second, before slowly stepping out and regaining his posture, standing on the sidewalk, Tegan bundled up in his arms.

I look at Ted and he smiles at me, knowing that I want to see her. He lowers his knees a little bit, and I stand on my tip-toes, peering my head over and looking down, my eyes one again, melting. My stomach tingles as I look at her face, her closed eyelids, her small button nose, her heart shaped lips, she looked so peaceful, she looked relaxed, maybe a little _too _relaxed.

"I'll explain on the way up."

I turn and see Doctor Renolds, closing the sliding door, a big brown paper bag in his arms. He turns to me and smiles, telling me he was ready.

"Okay, just follow me up."

I turn on my heels and slowly make my way through the crowd, and stopping at my building door. I turn my head to the side, seeing them follow, stopping right behind me. I pull the door back and step in, Doctor Renolds holding it behind Ted, letting Ted slowly walk in. After a couple of seconds, he finally steps through, being extra careful not to hit Tegans head on the door. I wonder why it was impossible to wake her up?

"Elevators are this way."

I tell them, watching Doctor Renolds let go of the door and make his way to us. When he gets to us, I continue to walk, heading towards the elevators. When we get to them, I stop and press the button, the doors imediately opening. I smile as I step in, standing to the side and reaching my arm across, holding the doors open for them. As they step in, I bring my hand to the buttons, pressing my floor. I step back and look at Ted, lightly chuckling as he leans his back up against the wall, taking deep breaths.

"She's not that heavy, is she?"

I ask him, hearing the doors close. He laughs and shakes his head, looking at Doctor Renolds.

"It's this blanket, this is fucking heavy!"

I laugh and turn my attention to Doctor Renolds, seeing him looking at her. Then I realized that he was supposed to tell me why it was _impossible _to wake her up.

I'm about to open my mouth, when the elevator doors ding, slowly opening up to reveal that we were on my floor. I step out first, being the one to lead them, and slowly walk down the hall, hearing them walk behind me. When we get to my door, I open it, stepping inside and turning around,watching as they come inside, Doctor Renolds closing the door behind him.

"Do you want me to set her down somwhere, or?"

Ted says, looking at me for an answer.

"You can put her in the bedroom, it's the only open door down the hall."

I tell him, staying in my spot. I wanted to know why Tegan couldn't wake up, why she wasn't able to walk up here on her own.

"Okay, just set her on the bed right?"

I nod and Ted nods, slowly walking away. I hear a heavy sigh and I turn to Doctor Renolds, watching him as he watches Ted take Tegan to my room. It was itching at my spine as to why she couldn't, or wouldn't wake up. As Teds footsteps fade, Doctor Renolds turns his head and looks at me, directly in my eyes.

"Sara, did Tegan ask you if she could come . . . or did you ask her?"

He asks, breaking the silence and taking in a deep breath. Why, did that even matter?

"I asked her. . ."

I tell him, eyeing him as he takes a deep breath, letting it out heavily.

"Is something wrong?"

I ask, starting to become a little worried. As he stands there, I couldn't help but picture Tegans body, wrapped inside the thick wool blanklet, her _too _relaxed face becomming suddenly, the main source of my worry.

"You know that girl hasn't left that Ward in 6 years right?"

He says, looking at me. My heart stops for a quick second as the first piece of information about her hits me, thats how long she's been there for?

"No . . . I didn't know . . ."

I tell him honestly, earning a light nod from him.

"Well your not actually suposed to know, but Im telling you this because . . . because this morning, when I went to talk to her . . . she was very scared Sara."

When he says the word scared, I could only imagine Tegan, sitting up against her wall, her knees hugged to her chest, and her head buried into them, her body lightly shaking. The image slowly broke my heart, as I felt the shame wash in on me. How could I be so selfish? I asked Tegan to come with me, of course because I wanted her to leave the Ward, but mostly because _I _didn't want to go 4 days without her, _I _didn't want to let go of her hand that fit mine perfectly, I was so selfish for that, that I forgot about her. I didn't know that she was there for 6 years, but it makes the shame hit me more, I should've known.

"I feel so bad now . . . "

I mumble, actually feeling bad. She must be terrified of everything, other than her four walls she was in every day.

"You shouldn't feel bad Sara . . . I offered to stay with her, I told her I would call you and tell you but she said no . . . she said she wanted to come here."

A small weak smile slowly makes its way to my face, making me feel less ashamed of my selfish ways, _she _wanted to come too.

"But she was still very scared . . . so scared, that . . . she asked me to sedate her Sara."

The words hit my brain like rocks, each one stinging. The shame was slowly turning to guilt now, I know Tegan hates needles, I know that they're her worst fear, I've seen the look in her eyes when she see's one, it was something even a blind person can _see_.

"She asked you . . . to sedate her?"

I hear heavy footsteps again, slowly emerging behind me. I turn my head and see Ted, his arms empty of Tegans bundled up body, but holding the thick wool blanket in his arms. I turn my head back to Doctor Renolds, seeing him lightly nod his head.

"She said for me to understand her fear . . . and I did, that's why I did what she asked, I sedated her and brang her here . . ."

How was I not supposed to feel ashamed, how was I not supposed to feel guilty, I was scaring her, I was scaring her so much that she asked to be put to sleep. I blink my eyes and feel them start to sting, the water slowly building up in the corners.

"I thought I would just let you know, so be prepared. She should be waking up in about 4 hours, so at around 7:30, she should be waking up."

I nod my head, blinking again, feeling my eyelids start to swell. I was so close to crying, I just couldn't help it, I feel like Im hurting her . . . something I told myself I didn't want to do to her, long ago.

"We should be heading out now, wouldn't want to keep the relatives who insist that I talk to them, waiting. I'm going to leave your supplies here on the table."

Doctor Renold says, turning his body to the side, walking the 4 small steps to my table. He sets down the large brown paper bag and turns to me, smiling.

"Have fun, and please Sara . . . take care of her, call me if you need anything."

He turns around and slowly makes his way to the door, standing in front of it, placing his hand on the knob and turning to face me.

"I'll see you two Tuesday afternoon, Let's go Ted."

I hear Teds heavy boots hit my hardwood floor, I turn my head to the side and see him, smiling at me.

"Merry Christmas Sara, tell Tegan I said Merry Christmas too."

I nod, a small smile playing my lips, the puddles slowly disolving. He walks over to Doctor Renolds and pats his back, signaling that he was ready.

"Goodbye Sara."

Doctor Renolds says, opening the door and slowly making his way out, Ted following behind them. As the door starts to slowly close, I feel the guilt hit me again, wanting to know one last thing. The door shuts and I quickly move my feet, rushing over to it. I open the door and peek my head outside, seeing Doctor Renolds halfway down the hall.

"Doctor Renolds!"

I slightly shout, wanting him to turn back around, feeling my stomach bubble as I think of how to form the question in my mouth. He turns around and stops, looking at me. I step out in the hallway and take the short steps over to him, stopping right in front of him. He looks at me as I stand there quietly. I didn't know how to ask him, the only way was straight and foward.

"Did she say what exactly she was afraid of?"

I ask him, hoping to god it wasn't me, and if it wasn't, then maybe I could protect her from whatever it was. He nods and looks directly into my eyes, letting me see the real emotion in them, letting me see what he saw.

"Facing the world _alone _. . ."

My heart drops down to my stomach, the word _alone _standing out the most. He turns on his heels, after giving me a weak smile and walks back down the hall, into the already opened elevator. The doors close and I close my eyes, the guilt was more now, this was _my _fault.

I open my eyes and turn around, slowly walking back to my apartment. I get inside and close my door, feeling my heartthrob to a slow beat. I didn't want her to think she was alone, I wanted her to know that I was with her in this.

I walk through my living room and into my hall, getting closer to the only opened door. As I stop, 2 feet in front of it, I feel everything rush up on me, the guilt, the shame, the foolishness. It was my fault she was in pain for those seconds the needle entered her skin, it was my fault she was scared of reality, It was my fault that she felt alone . . .

I take the two steps and slowly trail my eyes up from the ground, seeing another heartstopping image, knowing what exactly was behind all this. She was in the middle of my bed, laying on her side, my thick white comforter laying over her body, tucked in under her chin. As my eyes take her in, I look at her face again, it was all clear now, why she looked the way she did . . . why she looked so relaxed, why she looked so . . . dead.

I take small steps inside, slowly making my way to the edge of the bed. As my feet stop, I feel something on the tips of my shoes. I look down and see a small pair of white tie up vans, slightly dirty, and it made every bad feeling inside of me _worse_. I lift my head up and look at her again, god when did I become so involved with her, when did I start to feel this way towards her, like I needed her so much, like if she was in pain . . . so was I?

The center of my palms start to slowly tingle, making me close my eyes, the feeling of her hand in mine, calming me. I open my eyes and take in a deep breath, slowly reaching down and grabbing the blanket, gently pulling it back. I smile as her set of white scrubs cover her body, her small tiny body, her small tiny _fragile _body. Without taking off my shoes, I slowly climb into the bed, turning on my side and facing her lifeless body. I keep my eyes on her face as I reach down and grab the covers, pulling them back over us, feeling the warmth of her body being trapped under the blankets and surrounding me. I move my eyes to her closed eyelids, feeling the shame, the selfish shame. I blink my eyes and the puddle start to form again.

"I'm sorry . . ."

I whisper, slowly bringing my left hand up and resting it on her jaw, feeling her strong bone craddle in my palm.

"Tegan . . ."

I feel a small tear roll down the side of my face, realizing that if it weren't for me . . . she wouldn't be asleep, she wouldn't be lifeless, but most of all . . . she wouldn't be scared. In that moment, I felt the tears start to slowly stream down my face as her eyelids started to flutter, making me remember her bad dreams, her shaking body, her helpless state.

I wanted to take it all away, I wanted to make the bad dreams stop, her panick attacks calm, and her desperate cries for help, heard. As my eyes trail over her skin, her eyes keep fluttering, small whimpers leaving the corners of her mouth, making my heart ache, making me want to feel her close to me, as close as she could get.

Under the blanket, I slowly move my hand around, feeling her warm arm lay under my skin. I place my palm to her wrist and wrap my fingers around it, gently lifting up the lifeless flesh and pulling it slowly. I lower her hand down and let go, feeling her arm rest on my side, and her hand fall on my back.

"I want you to hold me . . ."

I whisper to her, knowing she wouldn't, but feeling like I could tell her, feeling like she still heard me in her wondering mind. A small whimper comes out of her mouth and I react, not wanting her to be in pain, not wanting her dream to slowly kill her, like I've seen it almost do before. I wrap my arms around her neck and pull her into me, her head falling into my neck. I close my eyes and feel her soft, supple lips tremble against my skin, feeling each small whimper sink into my pores. As her breaths hit my neck, I can't help but remember the feel of her skin underneath my lips, feeling the urge to do it again, only this time, I don't push it away, I embrace it.

I slowly pull back, and look down, seeing her face so still. Another hot tear rolls down my cheek and falls onto my white pillow underneath my head. In that moment, I felt like I was watching someone I loved, cry to me for help, asking me to fix them in ways no one else could, asking me to care in ways no one else could, asking me to forgive them in ways, _no one else could._

"What are you doing to me . . ."

I whisper to her, feeling a sob trying to escape from my throat, but I swallow it back down, trying to be strong, she needed _me _to be strong.

I slowly lean into her more, our faces only centimeters apart, my chin to her nose, her forhead to my lips. I close my eyes and genlty lean in the rest of the way, my lips pursing against her forhead. I feel a small shock shoot through my blood, making me pull her body into me more, her steady chest slowly rising and falling against my ribs.

"Tell me what your doing to me . . ."

I mumble into her skin, letting my lips linger on her flesh for a couple more seconds, then slowly and hesitantly, pulling away. I lean my head up and rest my chin lightly on her head, feeling her steady breathing hit my neck again, the whimpers were still there, but not as bad.

As time passes by, her breathing keeping me calm, my eyes start to grow tired. I try my best to keep them open for as long as I can, but fail as they slowly shut, feeling her last hot breath hit my neck, making me smile weakly as my sleep starts to overcome me.


	10. No One Else Could (Part 2)

Authors Note: Sorry for the extra two day delay, you already know my situation so please bare with me. Im so excited to post this chapter, because now they're starting to get so close. Since I've reached over 100 reviews, more than First Love, I have decided to put in a New Years Chapter right after The Christmas Chapters, meaning everything is going to change from then on, more drama, more kisses, more love, then heartbreak, so stay tuned! I want to dedicate this full Chapter to a reviewer of mine, EraBlaise. Every Review she has written has been with me for each chapter, and each one of hers helps me when it comes to writing the next Chapter, & I love that she used my story to explain herself, instead of having to form the words. Im dedicating this Chapter to you EraBlaise, I hope that one day, she can make you Completely forget _them_, because no one deserves to be haunted by their past. And to my other reviewers- THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! So please, if you will REVIEW,REVIEW,REVIEW & ENJOY (:

_**Songs of The Chapter:**_ Bloc Party-So Here We Are, **El Perro Del Mar- Change of Heart** * From The Valley To The Stars, Freezepop-Swimming Pool. & Telepopmusik- Just Breathe.

*Sorry that it's so short, but the next Chapter will be long so don't worry (:

Chapter 9: No One Else Could (Part 2)

Tegan POV:

_I walk out of the front door and turn around, seeing my mom and dad walking to the door, my dads suitcase in his hand, my moms purse hanging on her shoulder. My mom steps out first and my dad follows, closing our apartment door and turning to me. I smile bigger as my dad chuckles lightly, placing his hand on my shoulder._

_"Come on kiddo, lets get you to school, don't wanna be late for the first day of 5th grade right?"_

_I feel my stomach tingle and I nod, feeling like the big kid I am. I look up at my mom and she smiles weakly at me, making my mood slightly drop. Lately she's been acting weird, she doesn't smile as much anymore, her and dad fight alot too._

_"Come on hunny, lets get you to school then"_

_She says, her small smile fading. I nod and my dad pats my shoulder, gently nudging me down the stairs. I get to the bottom and push open the door, feeling my backpack wiggle around on my shoulders. My mom and dad step out onto the sidewalk and I let the door close. As I catch up to them, I notice that theres a big space inbetween them, maybe they left it open for me? I smile and run up to them, feeling my backpack bounce against my back. I get to them and smile wide, reaching up with both of my hands and grabbing each one, looking back and forth between them, my father looking down and smiling at me, my mom focusing on the street. I wish I knew what was wrong with her, maybe her and dad got into a fight again, she's needs some cheering up._

_"Hey mom, when I get home from school today, can we make brownies . . . like we used to?"_

_I ask her, slightly tugging on her arm. She looks down at me and shakes her head, her eyes starting to water. I feel a tug on my hand and I turn to my dad, his eyes piercing into mine._

_"Tegan, your mom's not in the mood sweety."_

_My dad turns his head back to the street and I sigh, feeling like there was something wrong. As we walk down the street in silence, I look around, already knowing these streets by heart, my mom and I used to walk up and down these streets all the time, but we don't anymore . . . we haven't for a while._

_"Okay, I'm leaving."_

_I lift my head up and look at my dad, seeing him looking at my mom, but she wasn't looking at him, she was looking to the side, maybe she didn't hear him?_

_"Mom, dads leaving."_

_I tug on her hand and my dad tugs on mine, making me look at him. He sighs and shakes his head, looking down at me._

_"Tegan, can you give me a hug hunny?"_

_I nod and smile, loving the feeling of my dads hugs, they were the best. He gets down on one knee and places his suitcase next to his leg, opening his arms wide and smiling weakly at me. I let go of my moms hand and jump into my dads arms, wrapping my arms around his neck. I feel his hands wrap around my back and I smile._

_"I love you Tegan . . . and I'm sorry for everything . . . "_

_I hear the small crack in his voice, I knew when my dad was crying, and he was. I try to pull away and see his face, but he hugs me tighter._

_"I want you to have the best first day ever, I want you to come home and tell me everything you've learned today, do you understand me?"_

_I nod and he nods against my head, making me feel slightly better, and more excited for me to come home after school today. He pulls away and I pull away, watching him hide his face and stand up, looking up at my mom. He takes a step closer to her and she takes a step back, shaking her head._

_"Loraine, not in front of her . . . please."_

_He whispers, I look at my mom and she sighs. My dad nods and looks down at me._

_"I love you, be good."_

_"I will dad, I'll see you afterschool!"_

_I say, a big smile at the thought of comming home and running into his arms, telling him everything I learned, just like he told me to do. He smiles weakly and turns around, walking in the opposite direction. I look up at my mom and see her eyes slowly filling with water._

_"Mom?"_

_"Come on, I have stuff to do at the house."_

_She says, walking away. I run and catch up to her, her legs moving swiftly on the concrete. I walk next ot her and look foward, seeing my school at the corner. I smile wide and look up at my mom, expecting her to smile and be excited, but she was to busy looking around the streets. We get to the front gates of my school and I turn to my mom, looking at her._

_"Mom, are you and dad going to pick me up, or do I walk?"_

_She shakes her head and looks down at me, a small tear leaving her eye._

_"Mom, why are you crying?"_

_I ask her, she shakes her head and kneels down, making me a little bit taller than her. She looks up at me and I see her rosey red nose, the water running down her cheeks, starting at her eyes and dropping from her chin._

_"I want you to walk home today hunny, your a __**big girl **__now right?"_

_She smiles and I smile, finally seeing my mothers bright smile that I haven't seen in a while._

_"Of course I am mom, I'll be home right after school okay? I'll tell you and dad everything I learned today! Then can we make brownies, and eat them while we watch Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory?"_

_I knew she couldn't resist when I named her two favorite things, Brownies and Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. She lets out a small sob and wraps her arms around me, pulling me into her arms and squeezing me tight. I wrap my arms around her back and smile, knowing she was __**probably **__thinking about it._

_"I love you so much Tegan . . . and I'm sorry."_

_She whispers into my ear. Why were my parents sorry, they didn't do anything to me, at least nothing I knew of. _

_"Your dads __**going **__to be home when you get out of school, I'm going to be busy . . . but I love you hunny okay? I want you to have a nice first day."_

_I nod my head and she pats my back, slowly pulling away and standing up. The school bell rings and I smile, looking at my mom._

_"Go on."_

_I nod and turn around slowly walking up to the doors._

_"My big girl."_

_My big girl . . ._

I slowly open my eyes, the last clear image of my mother fading away from my mind. I take in a deep breath, feeling the tears starting to form in my eyes, I could never forget that day, not even if I tried.

I keep staring at the darkness in front of me, the memory of me waiting for my parents to come home, playing in front of me. Two days I waited, Two nights I sat in the darkness, just waiting for them to walk through the door, two days I waited for them, but they never came.

I close my eyes and feel my hands twitch, I start to ball them up, when I feel my hand come in contact with skin, hot, _alive _skin. My heart starts to pound, my eyes slowly opening. I place my palm fully on _the _skin, lightly extending my index finger and tracing small circles onto it, trying to figure out where I felt this before, were I felt this warmth before.

_My big girl_

My moms voice plays inside my head, that was the last thing she ever said to me . . . the last thing she left me with. I feel the puddle in my eyes start to sting, I blink them and the two first tears break, making me take in a deep breath of air, _she _was back.

"Mom . . ."

I whimper, feeling everything in my body break, my bones cracking, my muscles clenching, my nerves trembling. I close my eyes and lean my head foward, my forhead hitting more warm skin, making me slightly gasp, she was warm, she was comforting, she was _safe_.

As my head rests against her skin, I start to feel small thumps hit my forhead. It was so familiar, like I've heard that beat before, It was . . . _beautiful_. As the word hit my mind, I realized something, this wasn't her . . . this wasn't my mom.

When my mom and dad left, they took everything away from me, they took my happiness, they took my excitement, they took my reasons, they took my life . . . they took _everything_. And when they did that, I told myself that they would never be the same to me, they would never feel safe , they would never feel warm.

I bring the rest of my fingertips to _the _skin, feeling my anger inside my skin start to boil, this wasn't my mom, she was never comming back, this was all my dream, this was all _a _dream.

I slowly dig my nails into _the _skin, feeling my hand tremble, my nerves taking over and my tears starting to stream. Why was _she _doing this to me . . . why did _she _leave me.

"I hate you . . ."

I whisper, closing my eyes and digging deeper, wanting _them _to feel the pain, wanting _her _to feel _my _pain. I hear a small whimper escape _the _mouth above me, making me choke on a sob, that wasn't _her_.

"Teg-"

I dig in harder, not wanting to hear my name from _her _lips. I press my forhead to her skin more, trying to feel that faint thump I felt before, wanting to stop, wanting that familiar thump to stop _me_, to calm me, but I couldn't find it anymore . . . it was gone.

Suddenly, I feel a hand grip my wrist, the familiar finger tips wrapping around my skin, the image of Sara's face flooding my mind. I felt my body flutter, making me vulnerable for a quick second.

"Why are you doing this to me . . ."

I whisper, my sobs no longer silent anymore, I was letting each one out, letting _her _hear what _she _was doing to me, _she _needed to hear it. My mom was inside my head, she was putting me through all this, she was watching me suffer without _any _shame.

"Give me your hand Tegan . . ."

I hear the familiar voice, the sound of it ringing through my ears. Sara , it was Sara. The grip on my wrist started to loosen, making my finger tips go numb, that same sweet venom lingering through my blood.

My palm starts to tingle, it was my minds way of telling me that I needed her hand, that I needed Sara's hand. I take in a deep breath and slowly start to lift my hand up, feeling the grip of my wrist disappear. I feel my hand start to tremble as the feeling of her familiar warm palm hovers over mine, I couldn't see if it was, but I felt it, I felt the warmth she brought, it was something I never forgot the feeling of, just like the memory of my parents, I couldn't forget it,_ even if I tired_. I start to slowly move my hand, feeling the warmth get closer and closer.

_My big girl_

My mind snaps, this wasn't Sara . . . this wasn't anyone, this was a dream, a dream that my _mom _had control of. My body starts to shake and my hand stops.

"You not Sara . . . your not her!"

I shout, shoving my forhead foward and pushing the body away from me. I keep my eyes closed and bring both of my hands up to my chest, feeling the panick start to rush in, why was she doing this to me, why was she lingering around, why now?

"Tegan!"

I shake my head, knowing just how good my mom was, she knew how to really tempt me. I bring my hands up and cover my ears, I couldn't hear that voice, it sounds to much like Sara, that if hear it more, I might actually believe it. I listen to the sound of panick knock onto my skin, my pores opening up and letting it in, mixing with my blood, mixing with my mind, mixing with me. My lungs start to slowly close, the feeling of the air becomming limited. My body passes the shaking, and moves up to trembling, Im scared . . . what if she actually wins?

Suddenly, I feel a body climb over mine, a light pressure on my stomach, this dream felt _too _real. I squeeze my eyes, making sure to keep them closed, I didn't want to see _her_, I didn't want _her _to win.

"Just leave me alone . . ."

I whimper, hearing my own voice crack, the sound of my heartbeat sky rocketing accompanying it. I feel a warm breeze brush past my wet cheeks, making a shiver run down my spine. Suddenly, I feel a warm palm on each of my wrists, slowly gripping my skin, the gentle fingertips resting against my skin. How could my mom make her feel so real, I want to feel the comfort of Sara, but none of this is true, none of this is real.

The grip slightly tightens and _they _tug on my wrists, pulling them away from my ears and letting me hear everything. The grip guides my arms above my head, lightly pinning my wrists down onto a fluffy surface. I whimper out a sob and feel my body start to give up . . . she won . . . _she won_.

I feel a hot breath ghost passed my cheek, then stop near my ear, letting me hear a soft steady breathing. I feel my eyes slowly ease up, each breath making my body relax.

"It's me Tegan . . . it's Sara."

The person whispers, they sound just like her . . . I want to believe it, but I can't. I lightly shake my head and hold back a sob.

"No your not . . ."

The breathing continues in my ear, as the the grips on my wrists loosen. I take in a deep breath, wondering if I should let them do this to me, or should I fight back. I stop thinking, when I feel a finger in the center of each palm, lightly tracing the outlines in my skin, making me remember Sara even more. The fingers start to move up, lightly moving their way along my middle finger. They stop at the tip and my body starts to tingle, she felt so real. Suddenly, I feel all of the fingers line up in between my spaces, slowly sliding down my spaces, stopping at the end and curling down, making me gasp.

"I promise it's me Tegan . . . Please ."

I slowly open my eyes and look up at the ceiling, seeing it glow a light shade of blue. I feel the warmth of her breath leave my ear, seeing her hair slowly starting to move. I close my eyes, and feel everything rush in on me, she sounds like Sara . . . and she feels like Sara . . . but was it Sara. No one else made me feel this way, except for her, no one else could make me feel so scared and safe at the same time.

"Look at me Tegan . . . I need you to look at me."

I felt my body start to tremble and my lungs shake inside my body, theres was only one way to know if this was a dream. I slowly open my eyes, imediately looking straight into hers, the blue glow casting upon her face, just like the ceiling, letting me see the small crystals in the corner of her eyes.

"Sara . . ."

I whimper out, feeling like her face could change at any moment, feeling like I could loose, _at any moment_. As her eyes lock with mine, the thumbs that lighty rest against the back of my hand both start to move, slowly rubbing my skin. She nods her head gently and it was all clear to me now, just with her thumbs and the nod, that this wasn't a dream, this was Sara, I was with Sara. My fingers instantly locked and a shock rushed through my system, making my back slightly arch and my chest hit hers, feeling the same faint thump as before, it was back . . .

"Hold me."

She whispers, slowly leaning down and closing her eyes, lightly placing her face into my neck. I feel her hot breath on my neck as she slowly lifts up our hands from the fluffy surface. She trails them through the air and smoothly places them on her back, letting me feel the familiar skin my fingers once dug into, only minutes ago.

"Please hold me . . ."

She whispers into my skin, as each word hits my flesh, I felt a different feeling inside the pit on my stomach. She wanted me to hold her, she wanted me to comfort her . . . she needed me to _soothe _her. In that moment, my mind didn't hesitate, neither did my body. I untangled my hands from hers and slowly moved them across her back, feeling the material of her shirt slide underneath my palms. I wrap my arms around her and pull her in to me, feeling her body press against mine, making my body tingle.

"Im sorry . . ."

She whispers, her voice hushed from her lips resting against my skin. This was all so new to me, someone needing me to hold them, someone needing me to comfort them, someone telling me that they were sorry, only this time, they weren't doing anything wrong. But it was Sara, It was the girl who had helped me from day one, who made sure I was always okay, who kissed my cuts for me, who let me hear her heartbeat, who let me lay against her chest, who cared. If she needed me . . . I wouldn't hesitate to be there, I wanted now more than anything, _to protect her_.

"Why are you sorry?"

I whisper. She slowly lifts her head up, my eyes watching her every move as the now, silent tears stream down my face. She hovers over my face and I see the tears in her eyes too, the small stains on her cheek making my heart slowly twist in my chest, why was she crying?

"You've been there for 6 years Tegan . . . I - ."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head, the blue glow on her face allowing me to see the fresh tears run down her face.

"I shouldn't have pressured you to come Tegan . . . Im sorry."

She whispers, slowly opening up her eyes and looking down at me. As the words sink in, I start to remember everything, dressing myself, Holly, the shoes, Doctor Renolds, asking him to sedate me. In that moment, I finally realized why she was crying, why she was 'Sorry' when in actuality, she shouldn't be.

I slowly lift my hands off her back, feeling the emptiness hit me already, but it was something I needed to see, something she needed to see. I bring my arms in between us, looking at the white thermal covering my skin, underneath that thin material, was everything. _I _was under that material, _I _was the ripped up flesh, _I _was the track marks, _I _was that fresh bruise from the needle, under that material.

I feel my tears start to speed up a little bit as I bring my right hand up to my left, grabbing the cuff of my thermal. I take in a deep breath and watch as my hand grips the material and slowly pulls it back, the white gauze showing as the sleeve gets higher. I push it up to the bending part of my elbow and look down, the blue glow also reflecting on my skin, giving me the heartstopping view. The white gauze wrapped around my arm, the fresh purple bruise above it, then above those, were my past, my tracks. I studied them for a second, feeling everything come back to me, feeling Jays hands on my arm, feeling the mens hands roam all over my body, feeling the loneliness I felt as I walked the streets, _this was me_.

I close my eyes and feel my face sting as the tears start to come faster, the feeling of the needle slowly piercing my skin taking over my nerves. I feel her warm palm on my wrist, the nerves slowly calming, _she _was so calming. I open my eyes, seeing the blurry image of her face, looking down at my arm. I blink and the image gets clear, she was looking at everything, she was trailing her eyes from the white gauze to the bruise, from the bruise to the tracks, I felt like I was on display. I felt like she was paying to see me get tortured and abused, I felt like she was reading my unfinished novel in front of everyone, I felt like she was seeing right through me.

I trail my eyes to hers and notice that the tears still haven't stopped, they were silently streaming still. She lifts her eyes up from my arm and looks at me directly, I felt my breathing become hitched as she looked back down. I followed her gaze and looked down to my arm, seeing her other hand slowly lift up from her lap and hover over my gauze.

"I want to know you Tegan . . . **all of you**."

She whispers. I felt my body start to shake as she said those words. I promised myself years ago, that I wouldn't tell anyone about myself anymore, not only did nobody care, but there was no point in it. My story was something that people wouldn't understand, it was something that people would hear about, and brush it off, because it wasn't important to them, it wasn't something that effected them, so they didn't have to care. But Sara, I know I can trust her, I know that she is _something _different, that she won't hurt me, that she cares, and that scares me. All my life I've learned to block people out, but here she was, asking me to be on display, asking me if she could know me, like I know myself.

"Sara Im no-"

"When _you're _ready to tell me."

Sara POV:

I look into her eyes and study them, there was the pain again, only this time, it wasn't behind her eyes, it was falling from them. As each of her tears silently rolled down her cheek, I felt my heart go up in flames. I trail my eyes back down and sigh, bringing my other hand to the bunched up sleeve and grabbing the material, slowly and gently pulling it down, covering up her past, covering up her memories, covering up _her_. As much as I want to know her, as much as I want to watch all that pain bloom in my palms, I also want her to trust me, I want her to look at me differently from the rest of the nurses, I want her to know that she wasn't alone, that I was with her through all of this.

"I didn't want to face the world . . ."

She whispers. I look down to her face and see her eyes on mine, the tears starting to slowly stop. She takes a deep breath and I feel more guilt crash down on me.

"I'm sorry Tegan . . ."

I whisper, feeling like shit, she was scared and it was all my fault.

"Why, you did nothing wrong."

I shake my head and bring my hand up, lightly resting it on the thin material, right over the bruise, that I know is from the sedater. I close my eyes and sigh, thinking about her face just hours ago, her lifeless face.

"You asked to get sedated Tegan . . . I did everything wrong."

I feel her warm palm lay against the back of my hand, lightly gripping it. I open my eyes and see her lightly shaking her head, looking down at our hands. She lifts them both up and gently places my hand in her left hand, my palm tingling at touching her. She brings her other hand up and grabs the cuff of her thermal again, pulling it back and pushing it all the way to her elbow again. I watch her hand as it slowly trails over her gauze, gripping the end at her wrist and pulling the end out, the material becomming starts to slowly unravel the gauze, giving me the view of her arm, the way it was now. The cuts were scabbing, some small ones already turned into scars. She finishes and drops the gauze onto her stomach, I look at her arm, seeing everything now, and it was making my heart squirm. She reaches for my hand again and grips it, lifting it up and trailing it through the air, stopping over her bruise. She looks up at me and lightly pushes down, my hand comming in contact with the swelled up skin. She winces and takes in a deep breath.

"I did this . . . because I didn't want to face the world alone."

The whispers were gone, and her voice was back, letting me hear the emotion and feeling behind it. As I stare into her eyes, the guilt washed in more, she still felt alone. The tears in my eyes started to slowly form again, and my heart started to race. I look away and feel my selfish shame crash down on me, making me start to lift my hand up, but she pushes it back down onto her skin.

"I didn't want to face the world without you Sara . . . I didn't want to step out into the world without you there to hold my hand."

I felt my emotions hit me as she said it all, making my hand shake against her bruise. I slowly turn my head back to her and look right into her eyes, the tears were almost gone, but the stains on her cheek stayed. I lock my gaze with her and she looks down to our hands, I never once take my eyes off her though.

"I don't know why Sara but . . . I need you."

She says. In that moment, everything went out the window, every doubt, every thought, they were all gone. To have someone need you, thats a different feeling then needing someone. I needed Tegan in a way she wouldn't understand, I needed her because she reminded me of my brother, I needed her because her hand fit perfectly with mine, I needed her because she made me feel so different inside, it was something I couldn't explain,_ even if I tried_.But when someone needs you, Its a completely different feeling. She needs me, she needs me to face the world with her, she needs me to hold her hand when she does, she needs me to hold her when she has bad dreams,_ she needs me to help her._

Tegan POV:

She slowly climbs off of my body, placing her body back down next to mine. She turns on her side and I turn my head to the side, looking at her. As she lays down, her eyes gazing into mine, I feel a hand on my hip, lightly gripping it. I look down and see my body, covered in a white thick blanket.

"Come here."

She whispers. I lift my head up and look at her again, her arm slighty resting across my stomach. She moves closer to me, her body inches away from mine, my heart starts to pump faster, the feeling of her body so close taking over. She grips my hip a little more and starts to slowly pull, turning me on my side, so Im facing her. She keeps her eyes on me as she slowly moves her body closer to mine, our bodies now centimeters apart.

"You won't face this world alone . . ."

She says, bringing her hand up from my hip and lightly resting it on my jaw, craddling my bone in her palm. I feel her soft fingertips lightly graze my skin, leaving burning hot trails in their paths.

"Promise?"

I whisper. She slowly closes her eyes, her long black lashes creating small shadows on her eyelids, the light blue glow making her look fully asleep. A small weak smile starts to play her lips, her head lightly nodding against the fluffy pillow.

"I promise."

I lay there and keep my eyes on her. The minutes tick by, and her breathing grows steady. Sara's seen my sleep before, but I've never seen her sleep before, but now it's something I wouldn't mind watching everynight. The way her chest rises and falls at a steady rhythm, the way her breathing sounds, she was the complete opposite of me. Her dreams were peaceful, mine were tainted, she sighs in relief, I whimper in pain. As I study her face, the small tiny scar under her chin, her heart shaped lips, her strong yet delicate jawline, I can't help but wonder what I look like when I sleep, how scary I must look to her, when she looks so relaxed.

She takes in a deep breath and starts to slowly shift, her hand gripping my jaw a little tighter. She stays asleep as she leans in and lightly rests her forhead to mine, like she knew it was there, like she knew _I _was there. She sighs and her grip loosens on my jaw, making me shutter. I take my bottom lip between my teeth and lightly chew on it while watching her sleep, she was so different, but she was my match. The feeling she brings to me is new, the way she calms me down with just one touch, it's something that only she has been able to do to me.

"If only I could tell you what you're doing to me . . ."

I slowly lift my right hand up from the matress, hesitating for a moment, before picking it up fully and trailing it through the air, and lightly laying it down on her hip, feel her skin touch mine, the fire burning under my palm. I take one last look at her, burning the image of her face into my memory and slowly closing my eyes. I take in a deep breath and sigh for the first time, I was here with her, I was safe.


	11. Anything (Part 1)

**Authors Note**: Everyone I have a very **Important Message** to tell you. I have decided to cut the Christmas Chapters in Half. The first Chapters- The Mornings. The Second (Closing Chapters) -The Nights. Not only does this add for a longer story, but I like leaving you guys with wanting more. Also, it makes the story a little more Sad. As you guys read in the last Chapter, Sara climbed on top of Tegan to calm her, wait till you read the rest of the Chapters, she does a lot more than that. Some involving Nudity, but you guys can wait for that right? (;

Anyways, Heres Part One, I hope you like it, especially with the small heart attack at the end, I think it's only going to kill you a little bit, maybe just a tiny bit. Lets me know what you guys think, will Sara say Yes or No? REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW & ENJOY ;D

**Songs For The Chapter: **Shock To Your System- Tegan & Sara, With Arms Wide Open- Cover Band) Boyce Avenue.

REVIEW & ENJOY!

Chapter 11: The Girl With The Tattoo's (Part 1)

Sara POV:

I feel a hot, heavy breath hit my neck, the mist of it sinking into my skin. I take a deep breath and slowly open my eyes, seeing nothing but blurry images. I blink and everything becomes clear to me, the view outside of my window making me smile weakly. I take in a deep breath and close my eyes, feeling another hot breath hit my neck. The memories of last night pass through my mind, Tegans shaking body, my fingers locking with hers, my hand on her bruise, her arms, her scarred up arms. I felt my eyes start to sting as I remember her words from last night.

_I don't know why Sara but . . . I need you_

As another breath hits my neck, I felt the need to look at her, the need to see if she was okay, the way I left her last night. I slowly pull my head back, feeling her hair drag under my chin. I look down and my heart drops. Most people would think im crazy, they would tell me I'm just looking at someone who's sleeping really good, but for me it was different. For once, she wasn't shaking, for once she wasn't whimpering, she was _sleeping_.

I start to move my hands, but stop when I notice that they're locked together, behind her neck. I feel my heart skip a beat and I trail my eyes to her face, studying it for the first time this morning. Her closed eyelids, for once not twitching, her mouth slightly ajar, a little drool stain on the corner of her lips, she was so innocent, it was heartbreaking.

_I look at my brother, watching as my dad looks at him, speaking only words my brother was able to they sit across the playground from me and my mom, I wondered why they seperated us today, we usually sit down all together as a family, at the same table, with our usual ice creams in hand._

_"Sara hunny?"_

_I tears my gaze away from my brother and dad, turning my attention to my mom. She's sitting across from me, her hands on the concrete table, the wrapper of her ice cream bar slowly moving with the wind across the table. I look down to my hands on the table, my ice cream melting down the sides of my waffle cone and dripping down to my fingers. _

_"Sara, I need to talk to you . . . it's about your brother."_

_I bring my ice cream cone up to my lips, licking away the melting cream and swallowing it. My mom takes a deep breath and I look up at her, seeing her looking in the direction of my brother and dad. As she stares at them, small puddles of water start to form in the corner of her eyes. I turn my head around, seeing my brother, his head dropped down, staring at his ice cream cone, that fell to the floor._

_"Sara your brothers sick."_

_I turn my head around and look at my mom, her head dropped, the shiny tear stains running down her cheek. I gulp and turn back to my brother, looking at him listen to my dad talk, the ice cream cone still on the ground._

_"Do you remember Sara when . . . we went to downtown a couple of weeks ago?"_

_I turn my head back around and look at my mom, seeing a small weak smile on her face, making me think she was better. As the memories of us all together in the middle of downtown pass through my mind, I remember my brother, the face he made when my dad pulled our car up to the Animal shelter. The face he made when we walked in to the shelter, the grip he had on my hand when he looked at the small puppy and said "Sasa thats the one." _

_"Yea, I remember mom."_

_She nods and closes her eyes, bringing her hands up to her face and covering her eyes, trying to hide the small tears escaping the rims of her eyes, but she was never good at hiding anything._

_"And you remember last week right?"_

_I close my eyes, knowing exactly what she was talking about. As the flashbacks hit, all I could see was the blood, the dead puppy, the knife, and my brother, curled up in a ball, his hands hitting his head as he spoke to himself,saying 'They told me to.' When I wrapped my arms around him, he passed out, like he had just died, thats when I screamed for my parents._

_"Do you?"_

_I look at my mom and nod, pushing away all the memories and flashbacks, not wanting to see them now, not ever. She takes in a deep breath and sighs again, making me look down at my melting ice cream._

_"Sara, your brother was diagnosed with Schizophrenia this morning."_

_She whispers, making me look up at her, the look of pure pain in her eyes. As I studied her face, I noticed each tear hesitate at the rims of her eyes. She was always trying to be so strong, she always had to hide._

_"It's going to be okay mom, you don't have to cry . . . we can __**fix **__him."_

_I tell her, feeling the warm ice cream drip down onto my fingers. She lifts her head up and looks at me in the eyes, shaking her head lightly._

_"It's not something that you can fix hunny . . . It's something else."_

_As she buried her head into her arms on the table, silently sobbing to herself, I turned my head over to my dad and brother. My heart stopped as my brother buried his head into my dads chest, my dad instantly wrapping his arms around my brother. He must have told him . . . _

_"What is that?"_

_I ask my mom, keeping my eyes on my brother and dad, watching them both handle the situation._

_"It means that your Brother's __**special **__Sara . . . it means he needs more love from us, he needs our support, we can't get mad at him, and we have to have patience with him . . . alot of patience."_

_I hear her sob, making my heart break. I knew my brother was different, but I thought that he was just being a teen, I never thought he was sick. As my brother cried, I saw a small sparkle on my dads cheek, the sun making that tiny tear noticed. One thing my dad did, was never cry, he believed in the stereotypical man, one who never cries, who was the protector of the house, who puts the star on top of the tree, the one who was always strong, but there he was, crying._

_In that moment, it was all clear to me . . . My day was crying, somthing he never did, It must be worse than I thought. But my brother was still my brother, I could never love him any less, __**never**__. I look down to the ice cream cone of the floor, right in front of my brothers feet, watching as his feet stayed planted on the ground, inches away from it. _

_I stand up and keep my eyes on my brother and dad. I felt my eyes start to water as my feet started to move in their direction, making their way across the playground, pass the school of hyper kids, pass the sand pits, and onto the grass. As I got closer to my brother and my dad, sitting under a small tree, creating a little amount of shade, I saw my dads eyes shut,now more tears streaming down his face._

_"I don't want to be different . . ."_

_I heard my brother whimper out, making a small tear form in my eye, because he wasn't different._

_"You're not different B . . ."_

_I say, the small tear breaking from my eye and slowly rolling down my cheek. My brother turned his head from my Dads chest and looked at me. My Dad opens his eyes and quickly unwrapps his arms and brings his hands to his face, wiping away the tears. Bryan sits up and looks at me, the small tears in his eyes flowing freely._

_**"Then what am I Sar?"**_

_As I looked into my brothers eyes, I saw the fear, the fear of being different, the fear of being himself. In that moment, I took the few steps, and got down on my knees. I lifted up my hand and handed him my almost melted ice cream, seeing his eyes trail to it. I held back my sobs as he looked at me and sighed._

_"Your special B . . ."_

_His eyes blinked and the fresh tears streamed down my face as I smiled weakly at him, hoping he would believe me, because it was the truth. His lips started to curl and his eyes sparkled as he reached out and grabbed my ice cream cone from my hand, bringing it up to his lips and taking a big bite out of it. I felt my worries leave me as he looked in my eyes and smiled at me._

_"I love you Sasa."_

I look at her eyes, seeing the long lashes stay perfectly still. She was Bryan in so many ways, it scared me so much, but it was so calming at the same time, knowing that I could handle her, just like him.

I untangle my hands from each other and lift one up, trailing it through the air and gently, placing my palm onto her jaw, feeling the familiar structure again.

"Open your eyes for me . . ."

I whisper, knowing she wouldn't. Suddenly, I felt a warm palm glide across my hip and make its way to my back, her flesh leaving a burning trail in it's wake. As her hand rested on my lower back, right in the middle, she started to slowly shift, moving closer to me. As each second passed, her body got closer, and my lips curled more. When she stopped, her face was only two centimeters away from mine, her hot breath now ghosting passed my lips.

I snap out of my gaze when I hear her stomach growl, loud. I look down to her stomach, centimeters away from being pressed against mine, and smile, wanting to be that close to her. I hesitate for a moment, wondering if it's strange that I want our stomachs to be pressed together, or our bodies. I shake the thought away and look down, slowly moving my body in a little more, gasping as our stomachs met, my skin on her shirt.

As I lay there, our bodies connected, I felt a small chill run up my spine, making me slightly arch my back, my chest suddenly pressing up against hers, another gasp leaving my lips. I inhaled, and she exhaled, our bodies perfectly in sync with eachother, but what made my heart skip a beat, was the small thumps her chest sent to mine. As each thump hit, I felt the chill slowly leave my spine and enter my skin, letting me feel the wave everwhere.

I take in a deep breath, trying to calm the tingles shooting through my body. I close my eyes as I let the air out, feeling my stomach calm. Her stomach growls again, only this time, I felt each vibration hit my stomach, making the chill stop and my body relax. I open my eyes, looking right at her sleeping face and sigh, another small growl interupting my thoughts. I gently rub my palm against her jaw and smile.

"Okay . . . I get the point, I'll be back."

I whisper, feeling my lips curl more as she stays asleep. I pull my body away from hers, and sigh, gently taking my palm off her face and bringing it to the matress, propping myself up. I feel her hand on my back, slowly starting to grip at my flesh, like she knew I was leaving. I smile and turn my head around, ready to look at her, but something else catches my eye. Her arm, wrapped around my waist, the pale stained flesh on display. I look down, the skin of her arm, touching the skin of my stomach letting me feel the small scabs. I turn my head back and look at her,remembering her face the day I found her body on the bed, the day I told her I wouldn't let anyone hurt her, _the day my life changed_.

I look back down to her hand and sigh, bringing my hand up and lightly resting it on the back of her hand. My palm tingles at the slight touch, it was something that had become sort of a routine for my body, our hands would touch, my palm tingled instantly. I smile and grip it, picking her hand up as gently as possible and trailing it through the air, smoothly placing it down in the space between us. As my body sat there, none of her skin touching mine, I felt the small amount of emptiness hit me again, I always wondered how she was able to do that, I guess I'll _never _know.

I turn around and bring my legs to the edge of the bed, feeling them dangle above the floor. I climb off the edge and stand up, for the first time in hours. I close my eyes, feeling my body automatically stretch, my bones cracking under my skin, my muscles flexing for a quick couple of seconds. I drop my hands to the side and begin my journey to the kitchen.

I open my fridge and look inside, searching through the shelfs, all filled with food. I reach in and grab the eggs and bread, deciding on French Toast and Eggs. I set the contents down on my small kitchen counter and close the fridge door. I take the small step to the right and stand in front of the stove, grabbing the clean pan from the back burner and placing it on the burner in front of me. I turn the flame on, reaching inside the open shelf and grabbing the oil. As I start to cook the food for Tegan, I can't help but remember last night . . . the way my head fit perfectly into the crook of her neck, the way I asked her to hold me, _and she did_.

I flip the bread over and turn my head to the side, grabbing another piece of bread and lightly dipping it into the bowl of mixed eggs. When she held me last night, my whole body literally just shut down, it was like her hands found an off switch to my pulse, to my lungs, to my brain, she just calmed me. And when I told her I wanted to know all of her . . . I ment it. When I first saw Tegan, something about the way she looked at me, told me that something was different about this girl, that in those eyes of hers,_she held me__._

I set the 2 slices on her plate. I re-oil the pan and grab the carton of eggs, grabbing one by one and cracking them into the pan. Then this morning, I felt her heartbeat against my chest, something only she has done before. I've let her hear my strong heartbeat, she's felt it against her skin, but now, I had felt hers. It wasn't like mine, I know it's shaped like mine, has the same function as mine, but I didn't beat like mine. My heartbeat was strong, it was alive, hers . . . hers was weak, like she was ready to give out at any second, and that scared me. It amazed me though, in strange way, just how hers felt against mine, how our hearts would thump and the beats would touch, like a small high five each time. I've never had that before . . . it's was different.

Tegan POV:

_I sit up in my bed, letting my back hit the hard beige wall. I take in a deep breath, hearing Jay and his friends voice, they were in the living room. I let out the air filling my lungs and sigh, dropping my head down, my eyes landing on my thighs. I felt my eyes water as I looked at them, I had never seen them like this before. The bruises, the small cuts, the teeth marks, the Belt buckle marks . . . they were everywhere. I feel the first tear break at the rim of my eye, rolling down my cheek slowly and stopping inside the small cut near my jaw. As the salty tear ate it's way inside the open flesh, I felt the stinging hit my nerves, making me just breakdown. _

_The past two days have been Hell, I can't walk, I can't move, I can't even breathe without the feeling of my chest collapsing. The only good thing abotu all this though, is that no guys have come by. __**I haven't woken up to a man laying naked in my bed, lightly caressing my arm for me to wake up**__. But then again, I haven't slept. I can't, every time I close my eyes, I can see his face, I can see the Metal Belt Buckle in his hands, I can see it shine under my kitchen light, I could see it all. _

_I hear a small tap on my door, making me tear my gaze away from my flesh and look up at the thick piece of wood._

_"Tee, you awake?"_

_I hear Jays voice, the guilt easily laced in it. Since the day he found me in the condition he was responsible for, he hasn't said that much to me. He only asks me if I want food, or if I need help going to the bathroom or showering, all of which I've denied. Everytime I think of food, I feel sick to my stomach, and everytime I shower, I feel ten times dirtier._

_"What?"_

_I whisper. I hear the door knob being turned, and the door opens. He peeps his head into my room, his eyes never once locking with mine. _

_"Uhm . . . I was gonna ask you if you still wanted to get that tatt?"_

_I drop my head, looking down at my palms that lay on the side of my thighs. I trail my eyes up to my right arm, picturing the quote in my skin, my heart shattering as the words didn't seem to make me feel okay anymore. I try to remember the song in my head, hearing the mixed up Lyrics inside my mind, now the song wasn't even making sense to me anymore, it was pointless. The song Alive was about me surviving, it was about me standing on my own two feet, but in reality, I had just fallen down._

_"No."_

_I hear him sigh, then the sound of the door closing, clicking shut. I flinch at the sound of the Metal, but ease when I hear his footsteps leave. I close my eyes and listen as the start of the Heavy Hip-Hop bounces off the walls. _

_"Turn it up man!"_

_I hear Jays friend Volume increases and so does the bass, making the walls lightly shake. One thing I knew, was that at this moment, I needed to hear these songs, I needed them to wipe away my fear that has been forced upon me two days ago, I needed them to make me feel Alive again._

_I lay down on my bed, wincing whenever I put accidental pressure on a cut or bruise. I stare up at my ceiling, letting the words fill my mind as Immortal Technique plays from the speakers._

_2 Hours Later_

_I take in a deep breath, letting it out slowly as I wait for the next song to come on. I thought that the music would help me, I thought that the beats and words would ease my pain, but they all seemed to make it worse. I was waiting for a set of Lyrics to change my perspective, I was waiting for my life changing moment when I heard the Lyrics and my heart stopped. _

_I hear the low mumbles of Jay and his friend, then, I hear a familiar beat. Just like I was waiting for, my heart stopped and my mind became blank. The song was about Love, but the title was what caught my eye as I listened to the lyrics. They had nothing to do with me, they didn't describe a past experience for me, they didn't effect me at all, it was all the __**title of the song**__. I took the words and found my life in them, I found the feeling of comfort in them as I silently said them to myself, I had found my ink. _

_I mumble the words to myself as the Chorus slowly drops, my mind telling me to take the title, and turn it into me, turn it into what I was made of, the only thing I seemed to have, but never believe in.__It was telling me to take the title, and use it for what it really ment._

_I prop myself up on my elbows, slowly sitting up, trying my best to avoid cuts and bruises. I climb off the bed and stand up as straight as I could. I sigh and slowly move my legs, walking over to my dresser. I open my top drawer and reach inside, feeling around for the pen and paper I have inside. I finally feel them and grab them, taking them out and closing my drawer. I look at the paper in my hand, the pen resting in the other, inside this paper, was the __**one **__word that I thought described my life, the __**one **__word I thought I could look at and be thankful for, but inside this paper now, was nothing to me._

_I slowly open it and tear of a small piece, a small enough piece to write 4 words, 14 letters. I drop the rest of the paper down to the floor and place it up against the dresser, bringing the pen to the paper and writing down the new words that described me the best, the four words I could look at everyday, and actually feel them melt into my skin._

_I put the pen on my dresser and turn around, making my way over to the door, slightly wincing everytime my legs would rub together. I grip down on the knob and close my eyes, __**I had finally found my ink.**_

_I open the door slowly, the sound of the song slowly fading away to an end, ringing through my ears. I look at the couch, my eyes landing on Jay and a muscular Hispanic man, dressed in a white Wife Beater, a set of Blue dickes on, his head bald, and a pair of black and white, Nike Cortezes. He wasn't the type of guy Jay normally hung out with, he looked like a cholo, the ones you see on TV, covered in tattoos, all he was missing, was the set of sun glasses._

_They turn their heads to me and Jay suddenly smiles, probably thinking that I could go back to work now since I could finally walk. Jay gets up and walks over to the stereo, lowering the Volume and turning to me._

_"You need anything?"_

_He asks. I ignore his question, not really in the mood for him, and look at the guy. This guy was staying with us for 2 days already, he got here the night Mike beat me, and this was the first time I've seen him. I walk over to him and he looks up at me, his eyes wondering all over my skin. As he looked at the bruises and cuts covering my body, I felt my courage rise inside my blood, I needed this tattoo, I needed it for me._

_"I changed my mind about the tattoo . . . I want it."_

_He looks up at me and reaches out to the end table, grabbing his beer and bringing it to his lips. He turns and looks at Jay, still standing in front of the stereo. He turns his attention back to me and takes the beer bottle away from his mouth, setting it back down on the end table._

_"Where do you want it?"_

_He asks. I stretch out my arm, showing him the bare flesh inside my upper arm. He nods and looks back up to me, his eyes locking with mine._

_"Do you know what you want?"_

_I nod and lift my hand, holding out the torn piece of paper between my fingers, waiting for him to take it, and when he does, I feel my body jolt. He puts it under the light, resting on the end tabel and reads it. His face wasn't exactly blank when I handed him that paper, he had a little amount of emotion, but now, as he reads my words, I saw nothing in his face anymore. He lifts his head slowly, looking up at me, his eyes now filled with a small amount guilt. He searches my skin one last time, his eyes covering my whole body, before he looks back up at me again and lightly nods his head._

_"Okay . . ."_

I feel a familiar set of fingertips run through my hair, lightly messaging my scalp. I take in a deep breath, the memory slowy fading away as the fingertips continue to move. I flutter my eyes open slowly, seeing nothing but pale skin in front of me. My heart starts to race as I realize, this might not be who I think it is . . . this might not even be real.

I start to slowly move back, feeling a small inch of panick nibble away at my bones, lightly sucking on the marrow. I slowly lift my head up, my heart stopping as my eyes trailed up her strong jaw, passed her smiling lips, and up to her eyes, her delicate hazel eyes. I locked my gaze in them, noticing the small light inside them, making them slightly sparkle.

"Sara . . ."

Her lips start to curl more, her teeth starting to show. She blinks and my body melts, feeling a strange tingle in the pit of my stomach,making it flutter. She brings her fingers up to the start to my hairline, genlty running them through my hair again, making me start to slowly smile.

"Good Morning."

I look at her, feeling a little embarrassed, my cheeks growing warm. She must notice though, because she starts to giggle softly. I look back down and start to mentally scold myself, of course it was her . . . who else would hold me like this, or run their fingers through my hair.

"I made you breakfast . . ."

I lift my eyes off the sheets between our bodies and look at her, my eyes locking with hers. She smiles and in that moment, I just wanted to be close to her, I just wanted to feel her heat radiate onto my cold body, I wanted her to make me feel okay again.

"Sara?"

I trail my eyes down to her chest, watching as the steady rhythm of her breathing stays the same, unlike mine. Mine was starting to race, just the idea of me molded into her body making my heart sky rocket.

"Yea Tegan?"

I close my eyes, wondering as to why she was the only one who brought this out of me. She brought out the coward in me, she made me want to beg for her touch, even if it was her hand resting on mine.

"Can . . . ."

I bite my tongue and shake the thought away, feeling like she would laugh if I asked her this. She was someone who kissed my cuts with the most graceful lips when I asked her too, but why was I afraid of her answer this time?

"You don't have to ask Tegan . . . just do it."

My heart stops as her voice bangs on my ear drums. Before I could even overthink her response, I lean my head foward and crash my head into her chest, gasping as the comfort hits me like peppermint.

I start to slowly rub my cheek into her chest, the material of her shirt lightly gliding across my skin. My body freezes when my cheek slides across her heart, feeling the small thumps hit my cheek. I stop moving and rest my cheek on it, feeling each small thump, god it was beautiful . . .

I feel my body relax and my nerves melt away, letting me head gently rise and fall with her breathing. I feel her hand on the back of my head slowly slide down to the back of my neck. She takes her fingers and starts to slowly twist my small strands of baby hairs, my eyes instantly rolling into the back of my head.I take in a deep breath, my nose taking in the smell of her Honey bodywash, making me slightly ease. As I revel in the smell of her body, memories of last night take over. Her chest laying down on mine, her head buried into the crook of my neck, her hot breath sinking into my skin. Something about Sara scares me, but I don't know exactly what it is . . . maybe its the need to be around her, or the need to have her skin touch mine? But sometimes I think what scares me about her, is the way I need her to protect me. I'm not strong anymore, when I first got to the Ward, I was a coward, I let the nurses tell me what to do, I was scared of them. They had needles, they had pills, they had Doctors, they had power, something I knew I didn't have, something I knew that I could never fully have, but it was something I could fight. For a while, I listened as the nurses and Doctors would tell me that I was sick, and for a while, I _believed _them. It was like they were a broken record, telling me over and over again just how fucked up I was, but the day I realized that I wasn't crazy, that's the day I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to listen to them, they had put so much time and effort to convince me I was a sick, that I just blocked them out. And when I would block them out, ignore their comments, ignore their demands, they would hurt me. Thats when it all started, that's when I would give them a hard time and scream at them, because I never knew why I was being punished, I just knew that they could do it, and they did.

I'm not strong anymore, not the way I was then. I've sat in a room for 6 years, just staring at a wall, wondering if Cathy or Judy were just going to walk in at any moment and give me and 'Accidental Overdose' of medicine, or if they were just going to come in and put a needle full of air into my body. I've grown so tired of watching my back, that the day I sliced the shattered light bulb into my skin, was the day I officially gave up. I gave up trying to scream, I gave up trying to make them understand, I gave up fighting back, I gave it all up when I asked Sara to not let them hurt me, I gave up _fully_, when she said she wouldn't let them touch me. _And that scares me so much._

My eyes open as I feel my stomach start to turn, the loud growl vibrating through my body. Her fingers stop moving and I sigh, knowing she heard it, probably felt it shake the bed. She sighs and starts to pull away, the warmth of her chest slowly fading as her body moved away.

"Let's settle your stomach yea?"

She asks. I lift my head up and look at her, a small weak smile playing her lips. She removes her hand from the back of my neck, making me want to whimper out, making me want to beg her to keep it there, but when I feel her fingertips on my scalp again, lightly running them back, I felt my lips start to curl softly.

"Okay."

She nods and sits up, taking her fingers out of my hair and turning her body around. I look down to the space where her back was just laying moments ago, studying the wrinkles she left behind, the neat indent of her body dipped into the sheets.

I prop myself up on my elbows, swiftly starting to crawl back, but stop when my back and head come in contact with the wall. I sit up and straighten out my back, feeling the cold paint touch the small amount of skin on my back. I turn my head to the side, seeing Sara's body starting to turn around, messing up the indent of her body in the sheets. When she turns her body to me fully, she smiles wide, making me get lost for a quick second.

"I didn't know what to make . . . so I just made French Toast and Eggs."

I snap out of my gaze and look at her face, her smile still in place, but her eyes were looking down. I follow her gaze and see her hands, holding out a big green plate, the French Toast and Eggs sprawled out neatly. My stomach starts to growl as I inhale, the sweet smell of Syrup invading my nose.

My hands react, reaching out to the first home cooked meal I've had in years. I grab the plate from her hands and she lets go, letting me bring it down to my lap, the rattling of the Silver Fork and Knife buzzing through my ears. I stare at them, trying to remember how they work again. At the Ward, it's usually finger food, or dipping food, and if we use utensils, its a plastic spork.

I feel my palms grow wet as I just look at them, my bottom lip being sucked into my mouth.I didn't want to look stupid, not in front of Sara, Vulnerable yes, but stupid no. I sigh and just shake it all away, bringing my hands up to the French toast and tearing off a piece of the sticky bread. I keep my eyes down as I bring the food to my mouth, the sweet syrup clinging to my lips. I put the bread in my mouth, my tastebuds exploding at how soft and sweet it was, just like the Cupcake. I let out a small moan as I begin to chew on the food, my eyes closing softly.

"Good?"

I hear Sara chuckle, making me open my eyes with embarrassment. I lift my head up slowly and find Sara, staring directly at my face, a small weak smile on her lips. My cheeks start to burn as she keeps her eyes on me, not once letting them leave my skin. I nod my head lightly and she smiles bigger.

"You have a little bit of Syrup . . . "

She says, the small giggle making my heart thump hard. I smile and start to bring my hand up to my face, when I feel her grip on my wrist. I look at her and she shakes her head.

"That's a bad idea."

I get confused, wondering what was so bad about it? She told me I had syrup on my face, so I was going to clean it off.

"Why?"

I ask her, she smiles and brings my hand up to my face. I focus on my hands, noticing the shiny sticky goo on my fingertips, my cheeks growing red again.

"I'll do it."

She says. I turn my gaze to her, her grip on my wrist loosening up, making my hand fall to the bed. She smiles as she brings her hand up to my face, her warm palm cupping my jaw lightly as her swift thumb lands on the corner of my mouth. I hold back the gasp that so desperately wants to be heard, and close my eyes, feeling her thumb move across my skin.

"Maybe next time I should bring you a napkin."

She says, with a stiff giggle. I feel my body grow light as her palm lingers there.

"Its okay . . . I like when you do it."

I whisper, my mind freezing on me. Her thumb stops moving against my skin and my nerves rise, rattling up into the pit of my stomach, Did I really just say that?

I slowly open my eyes, prepared for the confused look I know _should _be planted on her face by now. I lfit my head, feeling my heart start to sink, when my eyes land on hers, her wide smile planted on her face. In that moment, I felt all the worries of me looking stupid in front of her leave, I felt the embarrassment of my words drift off, all from that smile. It was like she was telling me I shouldn't feel embarrassed, she wanted to know all of me . . . and I was slowly _undressing _in front of her.

"Remind me to throw away all the napkins in my house then."

My heart stopped as she said those words, the comfort of knowing that she would be there everytime to wipe away the mess I made on myself, slowly sinking in. She was willing to do alot for me, the small promises she made to me without actually saying the Words _'I Promise'._

I couldn't help myself when my lips curled up, feeling my cheeks hurt as I smiled big. Her smiles turned into a small look of Sympathy as she kept her eyes on mine, her thumb starting to slowly move against my skin again. The embarrassement was gone, and I didn't hesitate when I leaned into her palm more, making her whole hand touch my skin.

"What are we going to do today?"

She asks. I look at her and think of everything that was possible, but all my mind came back to, was laying in this bed with her all day, for the rest of _our _Vacation. I didn't want to say that though, that was pretty creepy to think about, especially since I knew nothing about her.

"I don't know."

I reply honestly. She nods her head and looks down, breaking our gaze for the first time in minutes. I look down and see her other hand, resting her her lap, her palm facing up. Memories of her palm lightly crashing with mine run through my mind. As if on que, my palm starts to tingle, wanting nothing more but to feel her identical indents align with mine.

I look back up to her face, noticing her small lips starting to curl big again, her head lifting up, eyes locking directly in to mine again.

"Do you wanna watch movies all day? I mean we can't leave the house . . . The news said theres was a Blizzard Alert this morning."

As she looked at me, waiting for me to answer, I felt my body tingle. I didn't care what we did, as long as I was with her, and she was next to me, I was prepared to take on the world if she asked me too.

"Okay."

She nods and looks down,the smile still playing her lips. Her palm starts to slide down my jaw, and her thumb lifts up from my face, taking her whole hand with it. I feel the cold breeze pass my cheek, her warm sweaty palm leaving it moist.

"Okay well Hurry up and eat your breakfast."

She says, lifting her head back up and smiling wide at me. I felt my throat stiffle a chuckle as I nodded and looked down, bringing my hands up to my plate again and ripping off another piece of French toast.

I wait patiently, sitting with my back against the wall still. While I ate, Sara didn't say another word to me, and I didn't say a word to her. But she watched me, she watched as I took every bite, humming sometimes when I got a piece of French Toast with alot of Syrup, and she would giggle when that happened, but never once took her eyes off me, until now.

I look up from the blankets and trail my eyes to the light beige walls, all four of them evenly painted. Maybe I should actually see where I am, I've slept in this bed a night already, and I didn't even know what the room looked like, what Sara was comfortable in.

I move my head to the side slowly, taking in the beige walls with white furnitute, small Light blue decors resting on the counter tops. I smile as my eyes land on a White Picture Frame, resting on top of her, what lookes like, a TV? The one at the Ward looked nothing like it, hers was Black, and flat, where was the bubble back?

I shake the thought away and look at the picture again, seeing a boy, who looks like he's about 17, and . . . Sara? She must have been a kid, probably around 15? I focus on the position they're in, she was on his back, her arms wrapped around his neck and hanging on his chest, her legs wrapped around his waist. The smile on her face was so familiar to me, a wide one, just like the one she showed me minutes ago. The same smile was on his face too, the small amount of resemblance making me wonder, they were related?

I hear Saras footsteps, lightly padding away at the hardwood floor. I turn my head to the side, tearing my gaze away from the picture and focusing on the door. I watch it, waiting for her to appear as her footsteps got louder and louder.

I smile when her body appears in the doorway, her wrinkled white t-shirt from sleeping, her black pants tight against her skin. I look up to her face, finding the comfort as her eyes peer into mine. She smiles at me and my heart flutters for a quick second, watching her as her feet slowly moved towards the bed, _moving towards me_. She stops at the edge of the bed and her bangs suddenly fall out from behind her ear, just like before. I felt my finger start to twitch as I wanted to push them back for her, but they stopped when she looked down and brought her fingers up herself, pushing the hair back.

"So, I bought you some stuff to shower, even Pajamas, unless you want me to wash your scrubs for you . . . Whatever your comfortable in."

She ends her sentence with weak smile, telling me that she was trying to please me. I look down to my body, half of it covered under the blanket, but my upper body wasn't. I look at my arms and shirt, seeing the bland white Material hugging my body, I hated the color, I hated it so much, that it was also something that drove me crazy.

"Pajamas."

I look up to her and she nods, her smile fading.

"So . . . I was thinking _we _could shower . . . then watch movies all day?"

My body felt dirty, but it was something I had gotten used to over the years. When I lived with Jay, he exposed me to a whole new meaning of Dirty, one that wasn't involving sweat or dirt, it invloved my mind. When guys touch you, and roam their hands all over your body, their sweat sticking to you, their loud grunts ringing through your ears, it's a different level of Dirty. But at the Ward, I experienced the actually meaning of Dirty, but mostly grease. The shampoo they all made us use made my hair greasy, and the bodywash they made us use, had no scent, so I never felt clean, it was _impossible_.

"Yea, that sounds nice."

I tell her. She nods and turns her body around, starting to walk to the door, my hands fiddling in the sheets, wanting to grab her body and pull her back onto the bed, making her stay_ with me._

"Where are you going?"

I whimper out, trying my best to sound okay, but I wasn't. I had woken up to her, now thats all I wanted, I wanted her there when I went to sleep, when I woke up, during the day, I didn't want her to leave me. . .

She stops in the middle of the doorway and turns her body around, leaning against the door lightly. I eye her as she looks at me, suddenly, she lifts up her left arm, holding it out in front of her, her palm open, facing the ceiling.

"To start to Shower, come on."

She swings her head gently, motioning for me to come to her, telling me she was waiting for me to get to her. I gulp as I bring my hands to the matress, my eyes never once leaving hers as I slowly start to crawl to the edge of her bed. When I get to the edge, I tear my eyes off of her, and drop them to the floor, the cold hardwood floor. I was safe on the bed, what about the _floor_?

Suddenly, I feel her small hand on the top of my head, my head slowly lifting as my eyes trail up her legs, passed her stomach and up to her eyes. She eyes me as I eye her, both of us probably wondering whats the problem. She takes her hand off my head and brings it inches away from my face.

"Come on . . . I've got you."

She whispers. I look down at her palm, the tingling sensation becoming present again. My hand reacts and lifts up off the bed, trailing through the air and hovering over hers. Just like before, she's the one to raise her hand and crash it with mine, both of our fingers locking down into the spaces at the same time. I hold back the small gasp and she smiles, gently starting to pull my body up from the bed.

I stand on my feet, her body inches away from mine. She sighs happily and turns around, our hands now strung across the small distance between us. Her feet start to move against the hardwood floor, my eyes glued to our hands as my feet follow her. I never take my eyes off of our hands as we walk, not caring about where I was, just knowing that the lock she had on me, was going to protect me_ if anything_.

She suddenly stops and I stop behind her, seeing a bright white light shine over me. I tear my gaze away from our _connection _and look around, finding myself in a light baby blue bathroom, white tile floor and a built in Shower, with a _clear _Curtain. White towels hung from small tiny rods, little white and blue decors hung on the walls.

I feel her fingers start to unravel between mine, making me look back down to our hands, the connection that I so desperately craved, fading away. She unlatches our hands fully, my heart lightly starting to ache, I hated when that happens.

She walks up to the white towel rack above her toilet, grabbing two towels from the rack and turning around, walking to the shower. She hangs them up on two small nails next to the shower, for when we get out. She opens the curtain a little and dips half of her body in.

"So we're gonna take _turns _. . . do you wanna go first?"

I blink my eyes, the sound of the shower running through the pipes , flooding through my mind. I blink for a second, remembering the day the man took me in the shower again. I look up at Sara, the thought crossing my mind as the memory started to set into my brain, it wasn't going to leave . . . not if I did _that_.

"Sara . . ."

She turns her body to me and smiles, starting to take small steps towards me, my heart starting to race as my mind keeps telling me to not do this, that I was going to remember if I did. She stops in front of me and smiles, her eyes tearing away from my gaze and searching my face. Her smile starts to fade once she see's the small panick starting to build up inside my skin.

"Tegan?"

I look down and feel that embarrassment that I thought was gone, creep up on me.

"Is something wrong?"

She asks, my heart pounds faster and faster, my nerves begging to explode inside my body. I sigh and close my eyes, feeling the old mans hand, touch my shoulder lightly, I needed to ask her.

"I don't want to shower alone . . .Can you shower with me?"


	12. Anything (Part 2)

Authors Note: Guys, don't be mad, please? I'm not going to say what has happened to me after my last update, just know that everything is fine now, and I plan on updating more often. With that said, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, because I do. I had to re-write it 12 times just to get it right, and now I feel it is the best. Also, I have decided to change the Name of This Chapter, for specifIc reasons. And I wanna thank you guys for the reviews, almost to Two-Hundred. You guys are amazing, Keep It Up. (EraBlaise- You two are the best!) I know I've kept you waiting long Enough, so I present you with (In My Opinion) the most Saddest Chapter Yet. REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW & ENJOY (:

P.s - Do any of you listen to the songs while reading?haha

_**Songs For The Chapter**_: Swimming Pool-Freezepop, Heart Door-Paula Cole, I Will Go Quietly-Shivaree, Whether You Fall-Tracy Bonham

Chapter 11: Anything (Part2)

Tegan POV:

I open my eyes and slowly lift up my head, ready for the answer I knew was comming. I wasn't doing this for a sick reason, I was asking her this because I knew that If I stepped into that shower, I would remember everything, every single thing that guy did to me, and I didn't want that.

She blinks her eyes and takes in a deep breath, the worry expression on her face slowly dying out. Her face was blank now, like she didn't know what to say or do, and it was slowly eating away at my insides, I was making her uncomfortable. I knew when I was doing that, I had gotten used to it with all the other patients, I tried to be friends with them, but they would talk alot of shit, so I knew when I wasn't welcomed or when people felt awkward around me, it was nothing new.

I drop my head and my eyes land on her socked feet on the tile, maroon with vanilla stripes and polka dots. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, **especially **her, she was the only person who I needed around, I didn't want to make her leave.

"I'm sorry . . . I shouldn't have asked."

I whisper. I shouldn't have, but I needed to. Everytime I shower, I always keep my eyes open, even when I'm washing all the shampoo off, but that day when I saw Sara, watching me undress, I thought it was okay to close my eyes for once, because I felt like I was safe to. But when I did . . . he came back, but when I woke up, there she was, her face hovering over mine.

"Do you mind if I ask why . . . why you need me to shower with you?"

I hear her voice, my mind suddenly going blank. Have you ever wanted someone to stay, for specific reasons, but when they ask you for an explantion, you just die inside, because you wish they wouldn't question you, and just do it? Thats what I was feeling, I just wanted her to understand that I needed her, without the questions, without the explanations, without it all.

"I can't tell you Sara . . "

I hear her sigh and my heart melts. I wanted to tell her everything, sometimes I wanted to just sit there and stare at her, hoping she would just know, but then, I didn't. I had said it before, no one cared, no one listened, even though she told me she wanted to know me, _all of me_, Im still afraid of what her face will look like when I tell her.

"Why . . . if you tell me, I can help you Tegan."

She says, making me start to get nervous. I told her I can't, _please just take that Sara._

"You _won't _understand . . ."

I whisper, feeling the tears in my eyes start to form, the images of that mans fingers tangled up in my hair flooding my mind.

"You don't know that Tegan."

I felt the nerves in my skin rise and my blood start to boil. It was impossible for her to understand, no one did. But one thing I know, is that I can't go in that shower, I'm not ready to face that memory, I'm not ready to relive it all.

I take in a deep breath, feeling the small puddles in my eyes start to build up again. I lift my head up slowly, my eyes imediately locking with hers, we were a mirror. The small puddles in both of our eyes were the same amount, waiting for one of us to blink first and let the first fall. I blink and the first tear falls from me. She blinks her eyes and the first tear from her eyes falls. I felt the guilt hit me like a ton of bricks to my chest. I didn't want that . . . I didn't want to hurt her, I didn't want her to leave me because I did, I just wanted her to realize that I couldn't tell her.

"It's impossible to . . ."

I whisper, seeing another tear slowly fall from the rim of her eye. The guilt made me not want to look at her, I didn't want to see her cry, because of me. I drop my head back down to the floor, and slowly turn my body around, feeling a light breeze from the hallway hit my skin.I feel my stomach flutter and I start to move my feet slowly across the cold tile. I keep taking the babysteps until I'm fully out the bathroom, and in the middle of the hallway, but stop when I hear her soft voice.

"Tegan . . ."

My heart slowly starts to fall, the sound in her voice was so familiar. It was the same sound I heard the day she came into my room and made me stop squeezing my arm, by asking me to hold her hand. I was hurting her more than I had thought . . .

I take in a shakey breath and another tear rolls down my cheek, I couldn't do any of this. I start to move my feet again, feeling my heart completely fall down to the pit of my stomach as I finally got to the doorway of her bedroom, the light beige walls, the white wooden furniture, and the light blue curtains covering the window, making me feel a little at ease. I step into her bedroom and head straight to the bed,standing at the edge and looking down at the sheets. The indents of our bodies were still there, mine on the left, hers on the right. I climb into the bed and slowly crawl to the indent my body left, and lower my body onto the sheets, they instantly hug my body and it makes everything worse. _What was I doing to her?_

Sara POV:

I watch her body disappear inside my bedroom, the sound of her small feet tapping against my old wooden floors. I didn't mean to push her . . . I just wanted to know why she needed me to shower with her. Why she needed me to do something, thats usually done in private, with _her_? I understand that she feels safe with me, and I understand that its scarey being here, but what I don't understand is how _her _mind works. How she could feel so safe around me, how can she let me hold her, and still not trust me . . . I just don't understand. When she asked me to do this with her, I saw the look in her eyes, the look of pain that i've seen before so many times in her. And in that moment, I didn't care what I had to do, I just wanted to make that look go away, I just wanted to help her. But then, something stopped me, one thing held me back, one thing made me re-think my hearts desire to help her, My Mind. My Mind told me that this was wrong, that I was her nurse and it was inappropraite. And in a way, it was right. I am her nurse, she is a patient, a _'Mental' _patient. I couldn't do that,what where to happen if Doctor Renolds asked Tegan how she showered, and she said with me? I would get fired, I would loose my nursing license, I wouldn't be able to get a job in the medical field anymore, there was so many things that could happen . . . even not seeing Tegan anymore. But the look in her eyes just moments ago, was also enough to make me push away those thoughts,they were just watering in front of me. Her telling me that I _wouldn't _understand, that I _couldn't _understand. And in a way, that hurt me, it hurt me so bad because I feared that maybe she might be right, **what if she were to open up to me and I wouldn't understand**, what if . . .

I take in a deep breath, forcing my lungs to fill with air. I blink away the new tears that want to form and turn around, looking at the Foggy Clear Curtain, the steam seeping from the top and filling the room. I had to go to her . . . I couldn't let her be scared and alone, especially alone . . . it's not just her biggest fear, it's everyones. I make my way to my shower and pull back the curtain gently, reaching inside and feeling around for the knob. I find it and turn the water off, closing back the curtain and turning around. I look at the doorway of my bathroom, seeing the dim hall, only lit by the bright snow covering my belcony. I walk to the doorway and lift my hand up, switching off the light and stepping off the tile, to the wooden floor again. I take small babysteps as I make my way to my room, wondering what on earth I was going to say, what was there to say?

I stop a foot away from my door, feeling my heart start to race inside my chest, my ribs keeping it from falling out. I was always a person who thought about things before, I made sure I knew the consequences, I made sure I knew the outcome, but here I was, so confused for the first time, about what to do. For once, I think I should have listened to my heart, for once, I don't want to know what the outcome will be, I just want help her.

I feel my eyes start to sting as I take the last step to my doorway. I lift my head and my eyes imediately go to the bed, my heart stopping at the sight in front of me. Tegan, she was laying on her back, both of her arms hovering above her face, her eyes glued to them as the small tear slipped from the corner of her eye,_ she was looking at her scars_. I blink away the water starting to build at the rims and start to make my way to my bed. When I get to the edge, I felt everything in my body shake as I saw how red her eyes were, like she had been crying for months, but in reality, it was only 5 minutes. She doesn't take her eyes off of her arms as I slowly climb onto my bed, the matress moving as I lay down and turn on my side, facing her, watching her as she watches herself. It's like looking at someone and watching them die, moments before they take their last breath. Only this person was different, she was broken in so many ways, that she didn't look the way others did. She didn't look like she was remembering her life, she didn't have the sparkle in her eye because she was thinking about the people who made her life fun, that was no where in her eyes. She looked like she was ready to just leave, to just end it all with one deep gash, and that scared me, There was no way to stop the small tear that broke free from the puddle.

"32."

She says, barely above a whisper. I look at her eyes, seeing another tear roll down an already made path.

"32 times . . . I tried to leave."

She whispers again.I felt my heart drop as I realized what she was saying now. I tear my gaze away from her eyes and look at her arms above her face, the forming scars resting perfectly on her skin. In the corner of my eye, I see her head start to turn towards me, I tear my gaze away from her arms and look at her face.

_Oh my god . . ._

Her eyes were ten times more red, eyelashes clumped together from her tears, and the stains on her cheek looked like they were indented in her skin. I bring my eyes back to hers, finding her looking straight into mine, another tear falling.

"32 times . . . I failed."

She says, letting out a muffled sob.

_Tegan . . ._

"I failed. . . each time"

She closes her eyes and drops her hands to her stomach, my heart shattering into a million pieces. If only she knew that her failing, was probably one of the most best things she's ever done. I blink and the puddles in my eyes break completely, streaming down my face. I lift my hand up from the sheets between us and trail it through the air, hovering over her hand. I lower my hand down and rest my palm against the back of her hand, feeling her bones lightly shake under her blanket of skin. I curl my fingers down in the spaces between her fingers and rest my tips on her palm. She slowly opens her eyes and I lock our gaze instantly, wanting her to see that I was happy she failed . . . because I needed her around.

I grip the back of her hand gently and lift them off her stomach, trailing them through the air and bringing them inches away from my chest. I keep my eyes on her as I lower our hands down, her palm resting above the place where my heart is, _my beating heart_. She tears our gaze and looks down to our hands, I felt her bones start to ease inside her skin. How I did that, I still didn't know.

"Im happy you failed . . ."

I say through my tears. Maybe if I told her what I_ thought about her_, what I _felt for her_, what I felt_ because of her_, she would know that failing really **was **the best thing she's ever done, because she had someone who cares . . . someone who didn't want her to leave, someone who was now, willing to do anything, without questioning it . . . someone who was _me_.

"Why . . ."

She whispers. I stare into her eyes, wondering when did she start to question her worth, her value to someone. She lifts her eyes up from our hands and looks at me, her hazel eyes piercing straight into mine, waiting for me to answer.

"Because . . . I need you Tegan."

I whisper, feeling my eyes water more as she just looked at me. I needed her, in so many ways. I didn't grow up like her, with whatever past she had, but something I knew the familiar feeling of, was being alone. When Bryan and I were kids, my life was perfect. I had a brother who loved me more than anything and protected me from the bullies at school, I had my mother who was a stay at home mom, cooked, cleaned and tucked us into bed every night, and I had a father, who came home from work and went straight to his chair, scooping my brother and I up onto each knee and bouncing us up and down, placing kisses on our cheeks. That lasted for a while, until we found out about Bryans condition. My Dad would come home and go straight to his chair and turn on the TV, My Mom checked up on us while we tucked ourselves into bed and locked our doors, and the talks at the dinner table stopped. Our family completely changed, my mom, who I once could talk to about anything, was to stressed to listen.

"Can I hear it?"

She whispers, the sound of hope laced in it. I take my eyes off hers and search her face, seeing the dried up tear stains on her cheeks, no more was I ever going to question anything she asked. I was her nurse and my job . . . was to do whatever I could, _to help her_.

"Please don't ever ask me again . . . "

She blinks her eyes and I see more water flood into them, making me continue.

"My answer will always be **yes **. . ."

She looks at me and I couldn't help but weakly smile as her eyes blinked away the water. I keep my eyes on her as she turns her body facing me. She glides her body across the sheets, getting closer to me by the second, until she's centimeters away. I watch her more and she scoots down, aligning her head to my chest. I look at her face, seeing her watch my hand linked over hers, resting above my heart. She starts to gently wiggle out of my grasp. I help her out and take my hand off hers, the emptiness not hitting me like usual. I bring my hand up to her forhead and extend my fingers in her hair, running them back against her scalp. Suddenly, I feel her hand lightly grip my hip bone, making me look down. She was still looking at the place where our hands were moments ago. She pushes up the material covering my hip, and I feel her warm palm touch my skin, sending small bolts of electricity up my spine. I feel her thumb start to slowly circle against my skin, making my stomach start to flutter at her touch. Her hand suddenly leaves my skin, the patch where her hand once was burning, until I feel her grip the hem of my shirt. My fingers freeze in her hair, stopping right above her neck when I feel her start to slowly pull up my shirt, the small breeze hitting my exposed stomach. But suddenly, her hand stops.

"Sara . . ."

I hear her voice and it rings through my ears, it was clear to me now what she was asking. She wanted to hear my heartbeat, without the material covering it. I stop running my fingers through her hair, my mind starting to voice the facts. I feel her thumb start to trace small figures into the skin right under my ribcage, it was about her, _anything_. I push away the facts, and slowly lift my hand up from her head. I bring my hand down to her face, hovering it close to her jaw, then gently pressing my palm against it, feeling it instantly clench in my palm. I rest my fingertips against her cheek, lightly gripping her jaw and lifting her head up. I stare into her eyes as she looks between the two of mine, thinking she might have crossed the line.

"Anything you want."

"_Anything_?"

She whispers. I felt my heart warm inside my chest as I looked at her, feeling like she was a begger asking for money. I turn my body over and lay on my back, looking up at the white ceiling. I loosen my grip on her jaw and gently lift my hand off. I trail it through the air and bring it to the hem of my shirt, already bunched up under my rib cage. I bring my other hand up from the matress to the hem and grip my shirt. I arch my back and slowly pull up the material, feeling it slide against my back. I pull it over my head and toss it off the bed. I take in a deep breath and slowly lower my head down, looking at my chest, only covered in a white bra. I arch my back again and bring my hands under my body grabbing hold of the straps and unhooking them. I feel it pop off my chest, making me slightly jump.

_She needs this_

I bring my hands back around and place them on my shoulders, gripping the straps and sliding them off my arms. I toss it off the bed too, looking down at my chest, my bare chest. The nerves in my body were sworming around my skin, making my breathing start to grow heavy.

"You don't have too."

I hear her voice, her soft sweet voice. It was enough to make the nerves in my surface sink back down. I slowly turn my whole body around, her head leveled with my chest still, but she was looking up at me. The look in her eyes made my lips slowly curl into another weak smile.

"I know . . . but I want too."

I whisper. I bring my hand up from the sheets and trail it to her neck, hovering centimeters away from it. I gently press my palm down on her skin, feeling my palm burn with tingles. She tears our gaze and trails her eyes down my neck, to my chest. I watch her face as her eyes scan my skin. I thought I would feel exposed, I _thought _that I would feel awkward with her looking at me, wearing nothing but my flesh. She slowly leans her head forward and turns her face to the side, her cheek colliding with my skin, making my eyes skin was warm against mine, like two flames colliding with one to create the massive outcome. I feel a shock when her hot breath ghosts passed my nipple, my mouth slowly opening. Suddenly, everything in my mind fades as I feel her palm press down on my ribs, under my breast. I slowly move my hand to the back of her neck and lightly grip it, feeling her small hairs tickle my palm, _what was she doing to me_?

Minutes pass by as I lay there, feeling her steady hot breath hit my breast every couple of seconds. I have never had this before, this kind of connection with someone. Im an understanding person, I love to make people happy, but I had my limits. I had limits with everyone, but not with _her_. For some reason, they all seem to fade when I look at her, like they had never even existed.

I hear a small sigh, another chill running up my spine as her breath hits my skin. The corner of my lips start to slowly curl as her even breath sinks into my pores, _was she?_

"Tegan?"

I whisper. I was answered with another breath. She was asleep. I felt my body ease into the sheets as I sighed, the connection was something I didn't understand yet, but that was okay, because I'm pretty sure _she _didn't either.

"I'll be here when you wake up . . . I promise."

Tegan POV:

_I walk to the doorway where Ms. Miller is standing, collecting the name cards we made takes Billy's name card, then turns and looks down at me. I smile and she giggles back, holding out her hand for my card. I hand it to her and she takes it, putting it on top of the others. _

_"How was your first day Tegan?"_

_I smile wide, remembering today. I played handball with my friend Anthony, then we played Kickball. I made a new friend, her names Laura, and we decorated our name tags together, school was fun._

_"I had Fun, I made a new friend too!"_

_She smiles and nods her head, placing her hand on my back and gently pushing me out of the door._

_"That's good, Be here tomorrow bright and early."_

_I nod and she smiles at me, one last time, before I turn around and walk down the hall. As I walk, I look at the colorful paintings on the walls, the large Math Problems, Paintings of People, Paintings of Science experiments. I get to the end and push open the large double doors, the cold winter air hitting my face. I smile as I look at the crowd of kids, holding their parents hands, I didn't have to do that anymore, my mom said I was a __**Big Girl **__now. I walk down the stairs and push my way through the kids, feeling my stomach turn as I think about my dad. I couldn't wait to get home and tell him EVERYTHING I learned today. Even though it was the first day, I learned alot already. _

_I step out of my school and onto the sidewalk, seeing nothing but people in big puffy jackets and beanies on their heads. I walk with the crowd, looking at all the stores I've been inside before. I look straight ahead as I stop at my first crosswalk, mom said to always wait for the white little man walking on the meter, thats when I go. I stand in front of the crowd and look at the busy street. The cars passing by, steam leaving that little metal tube at the bottom. Seconds later, the man appears on the meter and I smile, stepping onto the street and crossing it. _

_I keep looking at all the stores, wondering what was in them now. My mom and I used to come to them every weekend, but its been a long time since then, mom just hasn't been the same. But, Im planning to change that, I told my mom that when she gets home today, I wanted us to bake Brownies and Watch Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory, she said thats her favorite movie in the world._

_I look up and see my apartment building, my stomach tingles as I remember what my mom said._

_'Your dads __**going **__to be home when you get out of school.'_

_I smile wide and run through the crowd, stepping in front of our building's door. I grip it tight and pull it back with all my strength. It swings open and I smile bigger. I run inside and climb up the one flight of stairs, feeling my heavy backpack hit my jacket with each movement.I get to the top and look at our door, in the corner of the hall. I run as fast as I can, and finally stop in front of it. I'm gonna tell him about Laura, Im gonna tell him about Handball today, Ms. Miller, What I had for lunch, Everything! I place my hand on our doorknob and twist it, pushing it open fast. It hits the wall behind it and I run in, looking around for my dad._

_I scim the living room and kitchen, finding it empty with the lights off, he was __**probably **__asleep. I sigh, closing the door and walking to the living room.I get to the couch and set down my backpack on the floor, I wonder if dad will mind that I wake him up? I shrug and run over to my parents room, seeing the door closed. _

_"Dad?"_

_I lightly tap on the door and wait. When I don't hear anything, I twist the door knob and push the door open. I peek my head inside and look around the room, the bed was still messed up, there were clothes thrown around the room, but one thing I noticed, was that my dad wasn't in there? I close the door and walk back over to the couch,I sit down and grab the small blanket on the arm rest. I unfold it and put it over my body, snuggling into it. I was excited to come home and tell my dad everything, but he's __**probably **__still at work. I sit there and watch the door, waiting for it open and for my parents to walk in, smiles on their faces, ready to hear about my day. _

I feel a familiar fingertip lightly trace the outline of my lips, the small tickling sensation making the memory start to slowly fade away.

"When are you going to wake up . . ."

I hear the sound of her soft gentle voice, ringing through my ears. I start to take in a deep breath, feeling her fingertip stop moving against my skin, and rest in the middle of my bottom lip. The wave of comfort started to slowly crash down on me as her finger started to move again.

"You're so beautiful . . . "

I hear her whisper softly. I felt my heart start to shake inside my chest, and my lips tremble at her touch. My nerves start to slowly rise as my eyes start to open, seeing nothing but a familiar blurry blue glow in front of me. Her finger stops again in the same spot and I blink my eyes, my nerves exploding at the sight in front of me. Sara, she was centimeters away from me, the blue glow casting upon her skin again. I felt my heart stop shaking once I trailed my eyes to hers, finding her looking directly into mine already. She starts to move her finger again, a small weak smile forming on her lips.

"You're awake. . ."

She whispers. In that moment, as I stared into her eyes, I started to see our old white apartment door, the door I sat in font of and watched for 2 days . . . I saw it inside her. I felt my eyes start to sting as the memory started to come back, _why did they leave me . . ._

"Tegan . . ."

I look at her and watch as her small weak smile starts to slowly fade away more and more each second. I tear my gaze away from her eyes, not wanting to see the pictures I drew of our family, taped to the back of that door, and close my eyes. They start to sting again as the picture of our old white door floods my mind again . . . that was the worst part of waiting. While I waited for my parents to come home, I studied that door, every inch of it, memorized each scratch, each piece of chipped paint, and every scuff mark we created . . . I had studied it all. I felt my body start to tremble as my eyes scimmed the door, watching as the knob started to slowly turn.

"Tegan . . . whats wrong?"

I felt my body breakdown and my eyes start to form puddles behind my closed lids . . . I lived with this memory for so long, I've played it in my head a million of times, trying to figure out, why the door never opened, _even if the knob always turned_. Suddenly, I felt her finger leave my lips, my lips starting to tremble more without it. But they stop, once I feel her warm palm press against my jaw, her fingers lightly resting against my skin. I start to slowly open my eyes, but stop once I feel a big tear break free and roll down my cheek.

"I wish I knew how to help you . . ."

I hear Sara whisper. I slowly open my eyes and look at her, watching her search the skin on my face. She's done so much for me already, she saw me almost leave this world, but brought me back . . . she let me hear her bare heartbeat, she holds my hand, always at the right moments, she's done enough.

She trails her eyes back to mine, our connection locking instantly. It was then, that I saw _them_, it was then that I saw the small tiny crystals forming in the corners of her eyes, it was then, that I saw what _I _was actualy doing to her . . . I was blocking her out. The only person who made it clear to me, that they cared, the only person who told me to never ask them for permission, because her answer will always be yes, that was the person I was blocking out . . . that was the person I was pushing away. _What was I doing?_

I tear my gaze away from her eyes and trail them down her skin, passed her jawline, down her neck, and stopping at the skin that layed over her heart, glowing under the same blue ray. I slowly move my eyes down her skin more, stopping once my eyes land on her breast. I felt my eyes start to sting again as I looked at her skin, her pale bare, _untainted _skin. No gashes, no bite mark scars, no ring scars, nothing . . . just skin. I forgot what _untouched _skin looked like . . . the _beauty _of it, the _feeling _of it.

I take a deep breath and let it out shakily, feeling my nerves rise again. I felt the small amount of Envy hit me as I just stared at her skin, mine once _looked _like that, mine was once _untouched _and _unstained_. . . _mine _were once beautiful, _like hers. _

I trail my eyes to the center of her breast, looking at her light tan nipple, just like the rest of her skin, it was untouched, just like the rest of her skin . . . it was _beautiful_. I feel my heart race as I gently lift my hand up from the space inbetween our bodies, feeling the sheets stick to my palm. I slowly trail it through the air and bring it inches away from her breast. My heart starts to speed up more as I extend my index finger out and gently press it down onto her bare flesh, a bolt shooting through my body and up my spine. I feel her body start to flutter as my finger starts to slowly move around her skin smoothly, not once stopping because of a deep scar. She was willing to do this for me . . . open up a part of her body that was private, just to prove to me, that she ment _Anything_, I owed her so much . . .

"Sara . . ."

I say barely above a whisper. I stop moving my finger and let it rest against her flesh, feeling the small patch burn under my fingertip. _I trust you . . . _

"Yea Tegan?"

She says low. I close my eyes, feeling my heart start to speed up, I didn't want her to leave me, _god I didn't. _

"Are you going to leave me . . ."

I whisper, feeling my eyes start to burn. I wouldn't be mad if she said yes, I would be hurt, but not mad. I had gotten so used to not being able to depend on someone. After My Mom and Dad left, I had to depend on Myself, Until Jay took me in, and I depended on him so much, because I thought he cared . . . but he didn't. I got so used to the feeling of being let down, that _that _kind of pain was numb to me. It also taught me to depend on myself, but sometimes, _I _didn't even do that.

"What?"

I slowly open my eyes, finding her staring straight at me, the shiny coat of tears covering her cheeks still. I felt my heart start to crack into pieces as she just looked at me, like she was hurt.

"Are you going to leave me . . ."

I repeat, the same shakey tone. She was bringing everything out of me,my pain, my memories, my weaknesses, she was slowly breaking me down. I didn't want her to knock down my wall, then leave when it came time to repair it . . . .that's the reason I built this wall, to keep that from happening, to keep me from **feeling **anything . . . but here she was, turning my life upside down,and _I didn't want to stop her_.

"No . . . . . why would you even ask me that?"

A small tear rolls down the side of her cheek and my heart stops. She said no. I had never asked my parents if they would leave me, because they were my parents, I just assumed they wouldn't. I never asked Jay, because he was the one to _invite _me in, I thought that ment he wanted me around . . . but it didn't.

I look into her eyes again, feeling another brick fall from my wall, exposing a small piece of my naked body behind it.

"Because . . . My Parents did . . ."

Sara POV:

In that moment, I felt my heart break, split down the middle and crash down to the pit of my stomach, breaking in to tiny, _unfixable_, pieces. Her parents . . . they left her. As I look into her eyes, watching her struggle under _my _spotlight, It all became clear to me now, everything made so much sense . . . why she was _this _way.

"Tegan . . . ."

I didn't know what to say, this is what I feared so much. She told me I _wouldn't _understand, and she was right. What do you say to someone who is afraid of you leaving, because their own flesh and blood left them? What do you do to make them feel better? . . . What do you do to make them understand, that you are **not **going anywhere. . .

I take in a sharp shakey breath and look at her, watching as each tear left her eyes. I wonder what she looked like that day, the day _they _left her, I wonder what went through her mind, I wonder what she was feeling . . . she probably felt like she was nothing to them, like she wasn't good enough. And it was then, that I realized something . . . something that would change _my _life forever . . . _She was becoming everything to me._

I feel another tear drop down from the rim of my eye to my cheek, my skin tingling as it rolled down. I loosen the grip my fingers have on her jaw and slowly slide my palm down her to her chin, feeling her strong bone craddle in my palm. I lift my thumb up and slowly bring it to her lips, hovering right above it, watching them tremble.

"I'm _never _. . . going to leave you Tegan."

I whisper. She looks at me and I look at her, staring directly into her eyes. I ment it, there was no hiding it anymore, I needed her and she needed me, there was no way I could leave, even if I tried.

I tear my gaze off of her and look down, seeing her finger, lightly resting on my breast. When she pressed it down on my skin, I felt my whole body melt at her touch, I was a mudd brick turning back into in that moment,I only wanted to feel one thing from her, I wanted to feel her cling to me, I wanted to feel her head in my neck, I wanted to feel her breath sink into my skin._I wanted to feel what I did to her._

Tegan POV:

I stare at her eyes, watching them look down. Why did I need her so much . . . I wanted to know. I wanted to know why her touch could calm me instantly, I wanted to know why I felt so safe around her, I wanted to know what she's doing to me . . .

I feel another tear break and run down my cheek. She lifts her gaze up and looks into my eyes again, making my body flutter. Thats something else I wanted to know, why her eyes made me shake, why they made my heart stop, why they made my heart race . . . why they made me _crazy_.

"Can I hold you?"

She whispers low, and just like that, my heart stopped. _Thats all I wanted her to do._

"Please. . . "

I whisper. I look at her, pleading with my eyes, I needed her arms around me, especially after what I had just told her. I needed her to _show _me that she was never leaving, I needed her to see that for once. . . I was depending on someone with my life.

She looks into my eyes and starts to slowly glide her hand up, my jaw once again, craddling in her palm, _her warm soft palm_. I feel my heart start to tremble as she just looks at me, never once breaking the connection.

"Come here."

She says, slowly lifting up her head, exposing her long stern neck. I tear my gaze away from her eyes and look at her skin, remembering the feeling of it, the warmth it brough to me, how many times it has soaked up my tears. _Her neck was my favorite place in the world._

I slowly lean foward, getting closer by the second. I turn my face to the side, and let my cheek collide with her skin, my left cheek resting under her jaw. I felt the comfort wash over me once again, making my body instantly melt, _only she did this to me. _I feel her palm start to slowly move up my jaw more, passing my ear and tangling up in my hair, her soft fingertips lightly grazing my scalp.

Suddenly, I felt a familiar thump on my left cheek, hitting the center of my skin. _Her Pulse_. I slowly close my eyes,letting the small faint beats sink into my memory. It still amazed me just how Alive her heart sounds, how each beat sounds like it comes from a brand new drum . . . it was still so _beautiful_.

"Tegan?"

I hear her whipser softly. She stops moving her fingers through my hair and I feel my body start to tense, maybe she was regretting everything now? Maybe she realized exactly what she just got herself into. . . maybe she was going to leave.

"Yea?"

I whisper hesitantly. _Please don't leave me._

"Thank you . . ."

She whispers. I felt my body ease as the words lingered through my ears. She was thanking me. And in that moment, I reazlied something . . . I realized that It should be me saying those words, not her.

I slowly turn my head to the side more, my lips grazing her skin. I stop once I feel her pulse lightly beat against my lips, just like before. I was Thankful for it,I was thankful because It was keeping _her _alive, because she was keeping _me _alive.

I close my eyes and purse my lips, feeling them sink into her skin, the beats still hitting, only harder. I feel her muscles start to tense and her fingers freeze in their spots. I slowly pull away my lips and and lift my head up a little more, resting my forhead on the side of her jaw. Her skin was so soft against my lips, but what made my heart skip a beat, was how perfectly my lips molded into her skin, like they were made for her flesh.

"Thank you ."

I whisper into her neck. I felt my body start to relax as her fingers started to dance across my scalp again. Suddenly, my body goes numb once I feel her soft lips graze against the top of my head, the same burning sensation I had on mine, in her wake. I open my eyes and stare at the dark space in front of me, knowing her skin was centimeters away. As her lips linger against my scalp, I felt my eyes grow heavy.

"Go to sleep."

I feel her whipser into her scalp. As her lips stayed there, I closed my eyes and let our a sigh. I could sleep like this forever . . .


	13. Not All Wings Can Fly (Part 1)

**Authors Note**: Do you all hate me? I'm pretty sure you do. I know that this is the shortest Chapter of this Story, but It's probably the most important. The next chapter will be Longer, but I have realized that it's the detail that is killing me. So I have decided to simplify it a bit, I hope you don't get angry with me because of that. But it had to be done. Also, I really do want to apologize for the wait, honestly. I know two months is a long time, but things come up and sometimes you have to drop everything to get your shit together. So, again I'm sorry. But I do have Three people I wanna thank, first; ImNotYourHero. She has been helpful with everything and I hope she gets better, I honestly do; because I need her for advice on future Chapters. Second: Sevenateninetoo. She literally lit the fire under my ass, before I had only three paragraphs done; but she inspired me to hurry the fuck up haha. So Thank you. Third: Rae. I just feel so bad that she had to make a Tumblr post about it, so this is for you Rae, all of you three. Thanks a lot guys. Now enough of me, I hope you like it. REVIEW, REVIEW,REVIEW & ENJOY.

**P.s**-The Title of this Chapter is Based on Part Two.

**Songs of the Chapter**: Local Natives - Three Months, Crystal Castles - Tell Me What To Swallow, Lifehouse - Broken.

Chapter 12: Not All Wings Can Fly. ( Part 1)

Tegan POV:

I feel a hot-thick mist hit the flesh of my lips. I take in a deep breath and inhale a familiar scent, the smell of _Honey _lingering in my nostrils. I sluggishly begin to open my eyes, seeing nothing but a tan blurry image. I blink and the sight in front of me becomes clear; making my heart slowly fall into the pit of my stomach. _Sara,_ she's facing me, her eyes still closed from sleeping, and her mouth slightly parted.

I feel my eyes begin to sting with salty water as I trail them over her unconscious skin, remembering the actions of last night. My face buried into the _depths _of her neck, her fingers tangled up in my hair as the tips massaged my scalp . . . and my lips. The way they sunk into her skin without any _hesitation_, the way her pulse hit my flesh harder each time it would beat, and the way her muscles tensed while my lips lingered there for a moment. Would you believe me if I told you that never in my life have I ever wanted to kiss someone _**again**_, more than I do right now? Never have my lips grazed such skin before, skin that was _untainted _and _soft_,_ it was different_. My lips have always touched _rough _and _desperate _men, they always left my flesh tasting like _dirt _and _sweat_. But last night, after my lips touched _silk _for the **first **time, I tasted _her_. No dirt, no sweat . . . just _her_. She tastes the way she smells, like Honey. I don't want to admit it, but I can't run away from this _type _of truth. I want to taste her, _again_. And for that . . . I'm scared.

My first kiss was from a man three times my age. I was only 14. I don't know exactly how long it's been since that day, but I do remember every minute of it. His lips were stained with Tequila, and his hands grabbed at my flesh with force. I remember the words that man mumbled against my lips as he slid into me, I remember his breath panting against my cheek as he came; but most of all . . . I remember the taste he left when he kissed me _goodbye_. Since then, I haven't been able to wipe away the bitter flavor he deserted from his own lips to mine. That's why I'm scared . . . this feeling of _wanting _to kiss **someone **. . . _her_, it's just so _unfamiliar _to me.

I feel a small tear break from the rim and roll down my cheek, leaving a burning path in its wake. I take in another deep breath and slowly trail my eyes down her face, passing her eyes, passing her lips and stopping once they land on her pulse point; the skin my lips molded into last night. I let out a shaky breath and slowly lift my hand up from the space between us, bringing it a centimeter away from her neck. I slowly press my palm down against her flesh and let out a small gasp when her warmth _heats _my cold instantly. I rest my fingers down on her skin and lift my thumb up, placing it right over her pulse. And in that Moment, as her heart thumped away against my finger, I felt the fear of wanting to kiss her _increase_.

"What are you thinking about?"

I hear her soft-sweet voice. My heart stops beating as my fingers stop shaking. _She's been awake, watching me look at her?_

"Tegan?"

She says. The softness in her voice making me slightly ease-up. I take in a small breath and slowly trail my eyes up, passing her sharp-stern jaw, her beautiful-peach colored lips, and stopping once I reach her eyes; finding them already looking straight into mine. My heart starts to slowly beat again as her lips begin to curl into a small-weak smile. _Sara_. As my eyes studied the small little sparkles of hazel, I couldn't help but feel safe again. She's wasn't one of _them_. She wasn't one of those guys.

"I- I'm thinking . . . about you."

I tell her, low. If I was the Tegan I was 3 days ago, I wouldn't have told her that. I would have kept quiet and just hoped she knew. But the Tegan I am right now, is different. _She's _making _me _different. Every minute I spend with Sara, I feel my Fear fade away. I'm not as scared as I was in the beginning. Now, I want to tell her the things she deserves to know, like my Track Marks. I've seen her eyes glued to them before, she looks at them which such curiosity. But in her looks of curiosity, I can't help but feel that maybe . . . she thinks they're beautiful?

"What about me?"

She whispers, her smile starting to widen by the second. My lips start to tremble as her eyes tear away from my gaze to search my face. As her eyes take in my sleepy-cold skin, I watch hers move. _Those sparkles of Hazel . . . they're pulling me in._ They're making my nerves calm for what I'm about to tell her. I can't believe I'm going to tell her, especially since I don't know how she will react, but it's Sara._ My Sara_. I want to be honest with her, now. I _think_ i'm ready for my bricks to crumble.

"I want to Kiss you, Sara."

I whisper, feeling my heart fall to the pit of my stomach. She slowly trails her eyes back to mine and they pierce into me like daggers. The nerves start to rise underneath my skin and I fear that my Honesty has gone to far. It feels good to tell her though. I've never been so honest with someone in my life, and even though this might not turn out good, I don't care. I _want_ to kiss her . . .

"What's stopping you?"

She whispers, softly. I let out a shaky breath and feel another tear roll down my cheek. If only she knew what was really stopping me, what's chained to me from _moving _. . . she would understand. But me being me, I blocked her out. So I won't do that anymore . . . _You deserve nothing but the truth from me, Sara._

"I'm scared."

I whimper, feeling my nerves bundle up around my beating heart. _This is it . . . just don't run away from me, Sara._

"Of me?"

She asks, a small amount of pain in her voice. I take in a small breath and focus on the pupils in her eyes, passing the specks of hazel this time. As the blackness grows, so does my truth. I'm scared, yes; but of her, I don't know. I'm scared of how she's _affecting _me. She making my nerves rise and my hands shake, but never in my life have I ever felt so **bold**. It's like not only is she _breaking_ me down, but she's making me _stronger_ in the process. She's replacing all of my old bricks with her own, ones that have kept her strong and alive through-out her life. She's putting her faith in me, she's _changing _me. So am I afraid of her, am I afraid of Sara? Yes . . . Yes I am.

"Yes. I'm scared of you."

I whisper, closing my eyes slowly. It hurt. For those words to leave my lips, it hurt bad. It hurts because I know she's trying to help me . . . I can see it every time she looks at me or holds my hand. I can feel it too. But it's the truth. I'm so scared of her. But it's not the _scared _everyone else knows by nature, it's _different_. This _scared_, is twisted and tweaked. It's an alluring _scared_; she makes my heart fall . . . but I keep moving closer to her because I'm strangely addicted to how she makes my heart sink. It's that kind of _scared _. . .

"Why?"

She asks in a whisper, the sound of desperation laced in her voice. I slowly turn my head to the side and snuggle my face into her pillow; the soft-fluffy material hugging the curves in my face. This is _killing_ me . . . all of it. I'm the worlds biggest burden . . . and she can't help but worry about me. Maybe it's _me _who's killing her.

"Because, you give me reason too ."

I whisper, slowly opening up my eyes. I turn my head forward, gently, and stare straight into her glossy eyes; feeling mine begin to burn, the puddles forming at the rims.

"You care about me . . . and you don't even know who _I_ am, or what I've _done_. You don't know what's touched my body, you don't know how each scar was created . . . but you still hold me like it doesn't matter. And the way you look at me, Sara . . . no one has ever looked at me that way before.

No One.

You look at me like you want to keep me here, like you _need _me here. . . I know most people wouldn't take that thought and run with it, but I am. Sara, no one has ever needed me before. And I know that this is crazy, **I'm crazy **. . . but I'm scared of you needing me. You have no idea how scared I am of that. You're trusting me, someone who doesn't even know what a _Clear State of Mind_ is, to _lay_ next to you, to _hold_ you. It makes me question who the real crazy person is, **you** or _me_.

But what scares me the most about you, Sara; what makes my heart stop the **most**, is that you're still here. You haven't left me _yet_."

Sara POV:

I feel my cheeks sting with the hot tears as she closes her eyes and turns her head to the side, facing the ceiling; away from me. I take in a shaky breath and feel her palm start to tremble against my neck, like little earthquakes were erupting in her bones. She _fell_ . . . right in front of me,** to me** . . . she _collapsed_.

I take my bottom lip between my teeth and bite on it hard, watching the sight in front of me. Her face turned to the side, her glimmering tears streaming down her skin, and her trembling lips; the ones that she wants to kiss me with. Even though she's crying, _crumbling_ to pieces . . . I can't help but find this view to be strangely beautiful.

Have you ever watched a flower bloom? Have you ever taken the time out of your busy life to sit and actually watch it blossom? I'm pretty sure you haven't, but let me tell you . . . it's the most beautiful thing in the world. And that's what Tegan is. She's a _flower_. A very torn and worn out one, but still a _flower_. And looking at her right now, watching her blossom . . . . I have never seen anything more beautiful.

"Look at me, Tegan."

I whisper, holding back the small little whimpers that desperately want to escape from my lips. She takes in a shaky breath and keeps her eyes closed as she lightly shakes her head; not wanting me to see her so weak and fragile. But that's exactly what I want to see. I need to see her that way, because once she realizes that I have seen her at her weakest . . . she won't hesitate to show me her strongest.

"Please, Tegan. I need to see you this way."

I whimper, feeling more tears break from the rim of my eyes. She takes in a deep breath and slowly opens her eyes, letting out a shaky breath.

"Why? You're bound to leave me in the End . . . you don't _need_ to see me this way."

She whispers. As the words linger through my ears, I feel my heart melt in the pit of my stomach; her words burning me like acid. She really thinks that I'm going to leave her, why? I know what her parents did to her put a hole in her heart, and I understand that. But can't she see that I don't want to leave? Can't she see that even _if _I _wanted_ to leave, I **can't**? I'm **bound** to her already, she's my ball and chain. She's my _Bryan_. I have seen her at her very worst; blood dripping down her arms, barely hanging on with her weak breaths. It was the most heart-breaking sight I have ever laid my eyes on, but it pulled me into her in a way I can't describe. That's why I'm still here . . . I need her, yes; but she needs _me _more. I'm not going anywhere, and If I do . . . she's coming with me.

"Tegan."

I whimper, hoping she hears the plead in my voice. But after a couple of seconds, nothing but our painful-sobs filling up the empty air, I realize that she's not going to let me see her this way. She doesn't want me to. But I'm going to, I've waited too long for this moment . . . I don't want to miss any second of it.

I turn my head forward and stare up at my white popcorn ceiling, finding the small little pictures, slightly soothing. I keep my eyes on the rough surface and slowly sit up from my mattress, her hand that was once resting on my neck, slowly sliding off of my skin. I twist my body to the side and trail my eyes up her blanket-covered stomach, all the way to her blood-shot eyes; puffy and sore. As she stares up at my ceiling, lost in her own _**crazy** _mind, I can't help but trail my eyes down to her lips. Her plump heart-shaped lips. They were like silk against my skin last night, delicate and tender. But now that I'm looking at them, watching them shake with _Fear_ . . . I can feel the indent they've left in my flesh, throb; right against my own pulse, and it's driving me crazy.

I know I _shouldn't _want it, but I can't deny this. It was just last night that her lips touched my flesh for the first time, and it scares me to admit it . . . but I think I'm _addicted_. Not only do I want to feel them plant flowers on the skin of my neck, but I want her to grow a _garden _all over my _whole _body. I want her to kiss every inch of skin that I have to offer. But just like her, I'm scared too. I shouldn't want this . . . _god, I shouldn't_. But I need it . . . _I __**need **__it_.

I slowly bring both of my hands down to the blanket covering my bare stomach, and grip it gently. I keep my eyes on her face as I slowly push the material down, feeling it scratch against the fabric covering my legs. Once the blanket is fully off of my body, bunched up at the foot of the bed, I lift my body up and turn around on my knees; kneeling right next to her. She doesn't take her eyes off of the ceiling as I slowly lift one of my legs up from the mattress and straddle her blanket-covered waist. But she does close her eyes, tight; like she's trying to fight away the urge to look at me.

"What do I have to do . . . for you to understand that I'm not leaving you?"

I whisper, feeling my eyes start to sting again. She slowly shakes her head, and turns it to the side; leaving my question unanswered. My lips start to tremble as the pressure in my nose builds, making the water painfully seep from my eyes. _No_.

I trail my teary eyes down to her blanket-covered chest and watch as the fabric moves up and down with her unsteady lungs; remembering her words. _'You don't know what's touched my body, you don't know how each scar was created . . . but you still hold me like it doesn't matter.'_

And in that moment, as her words burned their letters into my brain . . . I realized what I have to do for her to understand. It's the only way I know she'll listen . . . because she told me that she wanted it _too_. She told me she wanted to kiss me.

And when she told me that, I looked into her eyes and saw something different from _Fear_; I saw _Wanting_. And it was that look that created my response of _'What's stopping you.'_ This is what I meant when I said our Connection scares me. One minute, she's making me stand on the tips of my toes with Fear. But the next minute, she's making my heart palpitate out of my chest with curiosity. A curiosity that's twisted with lust . . ._ it's like I'm falling in love with her._

I grip the blanket between my fingers and take in a shaky breath, feeling my nerves rise to the surface._ This is my promise to you, Tegan . . . please listen._

I slowly begin to pull down the thick comforter, watching as it scrapes down against the material covering her heaving chest. She takes in a deep breath and I stop moving my fingers, resting them in the middle of her stomach.

"Can I prove _it_ to you?"

I whisper, never once taking my eyes off of her shaky stomach. I hear her take in another deep breath and suddenly, I see her body start to rise off from the sheets of my bed. I swallow the saliva starting to flood in my mouth and close my eyes; feeling my hands move with her body. Suddenly, I feel her hot breath hit the crook of my neck; a chill running up my spine as it sinks into my pores.

"How can you prove _that_ to me, Sara?"

She whispers, the huskiness in her voice strangely alluring to me. I feel my lips suddenly grow dry as her body-heat starts to warm me up on this cold-snowy day.

"I want to show you, Tegan. Each time I tell you . . . you don't believe me. Let me show you, _please_."

I whisper, feeling my body start to ease. I feel her stomach start to tremble underneath my palms and I take in a sharp breath; fearing her answer.

"Okay . . . show me."

Tegan POV:

She slowly lifts her head and opens her eyes, staring directly into my pleading ones. I feel my heart start to race as she tears her gaze away and searches my face. As her eyes skim over my pale-white skin, I close mine; reveling in the feeling of being studied. This is what I meant when I said that no one has ever _looked_ at me the way she does. She _studies_ ever single piece of skin I have to show, whether it's stained, _inked_ or scarred.

Suddenly, I feel her palms that are resting on my stomach, over my shirt, slowly glide down. They stop once they hit the hem of my scrub t-shirt. I feel the material start to rise, and gasp once I feel both of her hot-burning palms press-flat against my stomach.

"Sara . . . "

I whisper, feeling my body begin to grow numb. I _should _be afraid . . . I _should _be terrified. The last time someone touched my body _this_ way, I woke up in my room, my _white-lifeless_ room. But why am I not scared anymore? Why do I want her hands to feel every inch of my skin? Why do I want her lips to dip into ever scar I wear? Why do I want to let her take me . . .

"Because . . . you need me too."

I hear Sara whisper. My heart falls into the pit of my stomach and I slowly open up my eyes; finding her already locked in my gaze. _How did she know?_

"I can see it . . . you're scared to let me break you down. You're scared to let me take you."

She says, low. I feel my heart stop and shatter in the depths of my body; my eyes starting to form puddles again.

"But let me, Tegan. Let me take you."

She whispers, slowly leaning forward and resting her forehead against mine. She lets out a small breath and the mist of her air sinks into my pores,making my skin tremble. This is it. This is the moment I have feared. I can still turn away. I can still hide myself from her under her cocoon of blankets. But I'm tired, beyond the point of exhausted. All my life I've begged to people who turn their heads away from me, now . . . I have someone who found me screaming, someone who reached out and _pulled_ me in without me knowing. I don't want to let _that_ go . . . I don't want to let _her_ go. So, I have no other choice. This is my choice.

"Kiss me."


End file.
